forgiveness

forgiveness is tricky
in it’s own special ways
so much harder to do
than to say

you can think that you’re past it
you can think you’ve moved on

you can even think
going through it made you strong

but nothing
is ever
really
gone

the radio

I can be driving alone
and a song comes on the radio
and just like that
it all rushes back

Hand in hand walking down
a little town street
my eyes on you
your eyes on me

The wind in my hair
and your lips on my face
the beat of your heart
the hole in me it replaced

The taste of sweet sweat
and the sound of your laughter
the promise of a perfect
happily ever after

Even though it’s been so long
when I hear the right song
the past is never really gone

Cause just when I think
I’ve let it go
that song is playing on the radio

You and me in the car
open skies, summer air
singing songs and feeling like
this was something rare

You playing with the hole
in the knee of my jeans
both of us joyful
smiling incessantly

The scent of your skin
your hot breath on my neck
the endless embraces
all those playful little pecks

It’s been so long
but when that song comes on
those moments, yeah
they live on

Christmas Eve

What would it be like
to be with you one more time
for our whole family to spend
one more Christmas Eve night

You sitting there, eyes closed
legs crossed, bopping your head
singing along to mom and dad’s Grateful Dead

I’d love to see you helping B
decorate the Christmas tree
showing him how to blow the tinsel
so it falls evenly
investigating the presents with him
when mom and dad can’t see
singing our favorite carols, gleefully

Eggnog with rum and big bellied laughter
blissfully unaware of our impending never after

Staying up late to play Santa
and stuffing B’s stocking
reminiscing about our own
childhood Christmas mornings

Another one that you won’t see
except as the Angel
that tops our Christmas tree

breaking your heart

I’m watching it all falling to pieces
and I just don’t want to believe it
seeing my sturdy, weathered rock
crumbling apart, turning to dust

maybe that’s all life ever does
twist and hurt and end
maybe I just didn’t want to see it
but maybe that’s all it’s ever been

cause it’s all happening
it’s all falling apart
maybe no one ever
really finishes what they start

seems that life
just loves
to keep breaking your heart

broken dreams

this collection
of our broken dreams
puffed up and proud
for everyone to see

the remainders
the reminders
of paths not followed
of oats not sowed

while you have shelves
full of frames, full of stories
you’ve told and retold

hey Lonnie

hey Lonnie,
do you remember the time
back before you and I
had even turned nine

I wanted one of your stickers
so I bargained with you
you asked for a kiss on the lips
but you didn’t think that I’d do it

I gave you a good peck on the mouth
in an awkward, childish way
took my stickers and walked away
but you followed me
around school the next day
you and our friend TJ
chanting over and over
“Lonnie loves A.D.”

but I was embarrassed
and I didn’t know what to do
not sure if I should let you know
that I liked you

and just the next week
your family up and left
and I never did
see you again

I was sad and regretful
even at that age
I wrote our initials in a heart
on every single page
I would fantasize about you
moving back to town
holding hands, telling our friends
that we were ‘going out’

but at that age
it was hard to keep track
and you never did
even up coming back

when I was alone I would
think about you incessantly
but even that young
I knew things could change suddenly

so you were my daydream
my bitter-sweet memory

A loss that shaped the way
I’ve dealt with heartbreak
to this day

the dreamers

i’m always drawn to the dreamers
to the under achievers
the lost souls
the ones with layers
that i can never get
to unfold

remind me

i didn’t see you much
during your pregnancy
never got to ask you
what kind of man
you hoped he’d be

i’m not sure
which stories
you had wanted
to make sure he knew
not sure
what you most
wanted to teach him
as he grew

and boy,
do his faces
remind me of you

who you wish i was

am i to blame
for the version of me
you had in your mind
a glowing trophy sitting on
some pedestal way up high

who is really responsible
when i start to tumble down
is it my fault if you don’t like
the way i look on the ground

you’re in love
with who you wish i was
and that is such a shame
because
i just want to love you
imperfectly, insatiably
but it will never
be enough, because
you’re in love
with who you wish i was

i’m no angel
i haven’t earned any wings
this isn’t a fairy tale
you’re no noble king

but as the light
of this broken halo
starts to die
so does the light
that shines at me
from your eyes

i just want to love you
wholly, unconditionally

but nothing i do now
will ever be enough
because you’ll never love me
like who you wish i was

price tag

there are so many people
who live paycheck
to paycheck
who can’t afford care
when they get hurt
or get sick

they’re good people
during hard times
they have families
they lead good lives

then there are so many people
who have so much more
than they could ever need
who are motivated by things
like power, fame, greed

they spend
thousands of dollars
on novelty items
from foreign designers
because it’s
the status
they admire

one poor man’s surgery
hangs in another man’s closet
lost and forgotten
price tag
still on it

i believe

i believe
in kindness
and grace
that everyone
looks better
with a smile
on their face

i crave words
debates, ideas
i believe nothing
is more liberating
than the way
tolerance feels

that organized
oppression
is something
we should fear

people aren’t property
fairness isn’t a commodity
you think i’m naive, probably
but that’s what i believe
and i’ll defend it
as long as i
can breathe

i hope for progress
happiness, liberty
that we learn
from the mistakes
we’ve made
throughout our history

you can’t have dignity
without decency
trust without sincerity
yeah i believe

that there’s a problem
when men become powerful
backed by the plentiful
amount of people
who aren’t clever enough
to know better
than to believe only that
which they’ve heard

when politicians
pander to the ignorant
so the truth
becomes intelligibly hazy
when campaigns depend
on the intellectually lazy

i believe in humanity
in equality
that our leaders
shouldn’t be trying
to legislate
their own morality
you can call me a liberal
definitely
and i’ll defend it
as long as i can breathe

as for me, i bring
an open heart
and an open mind
with an open hand
for those
who need a lift
from time to time

a curious spirit
a compassionate word
an encouragement
that you and your voice
should be heard

ever after

i guess
that story
is over
turn the page
end the chapter
not every
story
has a
happily
ever after

better aim

can’t you see
my heart
bleeding
down my sleeve

maybe, next time
i should keep it
strapped to the outside
of my boot

take more careful aim
before i start to shoot

jackie

jackie was adorable
simple and sweet
the nicest girl
you’d ever meet

she grew up with ribbons
and curls in her hair
quiet but kind
always lending an ear

you could tell
she was sweet
but she was shy, too
she even had
a boyfriend or two

that was jackie
simple and sweet
nicest girl
you’d ever meet

i saw her just
the other day
in that happy
coincidence way
she seemed
more relaxed
than she’s ever been
holding hands
with her girlfriend

they have a house
foster rescued animals
just home for one
of those seasonal
family rituals

same old jackie
simple and sweet
nicest girl
you’ll ever meet

my unborn teenage daughter

i’ll make sure
she knows
that she can always
confide in me
that i will be
her sounding board
whatever the situation
may be

i’ll make sure
she’s mindful
of other people’s
spirits
so that when others
are masking
their pains
she will hear it

i’ll teach her
to be thankful
for other people’s
generosity
tell her it’s good
to feed her
curiosities

i’ll teach her
to stand up
against mean-spirited
cruelness
tell her
not to be afraid
to look
a little foolish

i’ll tell her
that words
can hurt
and hearts
can ache
i’ll tell her
to be good
for goodness’ sake

no more

what else
do you think
you can do
to my heart
can’t break
what’s already
broken apart

there’s nothing
you can do to me
no more
no pain my heart
hasn’t felt
before

now you’re coming
around here
well you can just
stop right there
it could never be
what it was before
that girl
isn’t even here
anymore

i’ll never
do that again
let someone
do me like
you did

your words
those weapons
can’t wound me
anymore
there’s nothing
you can say to me
i haven’t
heard before

i’ll be

i may never
be the prettiest
girl in the room
i’d rather
be the one
you hope to see
again soon

i’ll be the girl
whose eyes shine
when she laughs
who always
seems to know
the right questions
to ask

i’ll tell you my story
sing you my song
sit at the piano
grab the guitar
play along
i promise
you’ll be smitten
by the time
that i’m done

i’ll be cute
i’ll be fun
i’ll be sexy
when the time comes
for it
and before you know it baby
you’ll be begging me
for it

been there

he sees me
the way i used
to see you
half blinded
thinking
i’m too good
to be true
loving
desperately
but defensive
and insecure
and boy, have i
been there before
and maybe
for that
i love him
even more

should’ve never

i should have just
kept saying no
should’ve never
let you into my home

you knew i was weak
you knew i was sad
i tried to tell you
it was going to end bad

i guess that’s the point
you just didn’t care
to you, when using people
everything was fair

you might have thought
you were helping me
to move on
but i regret not being
strong enough not to do
what i knew was wrong

i’m yours and you’re mine

if the words are there
they just wont come out
so i just kind of
give you a pout
and your smile calms me
puts me at ease
and you just say,
“tell me baby, please”
so i just put it
as simply as i can
whatever the worry
you always take my hand
tell me that everything
is going to be fine
as long as i’m yours
and as long as you’re mine

karma

people who don’t know you well
say you seem like such
a loving husband, devoted father
the kind of guy who stops to chat
and flash a nice smile
when most wouldn’t bother

but they don’t know you
like i know you
they haven’t seen
the things i’ve seen
your wife may not admit it
but she knows what i mean

the problem with you
is you believe
your own lies
tell them over and over
then play dumb, deny
feign surprise

so don’t think
that i don’t know
what you took from me
even after all
of our generosity

but that’s ok
cause one day
karma is gonna
crash your party
one day, sweetie
you
are really
gonna be sorry

tiny pieces

there was
a time when i
could have had
anyone
i might have
wanted
and sometimes
i would
just to prove to myself
my confidence
was warranted

some had
girlfriends
some were
“out of my league”
the athletes
the thinkers
the geeks
the bad seeds

the suits
the stoners
the partiers
the poets
men that have
tiny pieces
of my soul
but don’t know it

some that i wish
that i could
take back
others that
my heart
has longed
to have back

inked pages

will the sum
of my memories
ever hold
more meaning
than this
emotions and
thoughts
filling these
inked pages
in long
skinny lists

will my
experiences
my feelings
my words
be lost
forgotten
like the millions
of others’
we’ve lost
in the world

one day i’ll be
forgotten
when my loved ones
are generations
of the past
or maybe
i’ll exist
as long as these
inked pages
last

when 30 was old

i still remember
when thirty was old
and my twenties
were calling
with adventures unknown

when your friends
were your life
and time
felt endless
when heartache
was consuming
and love
was breathless

when life
felt fresh
and everything
was brand new
and there
were always
so many exciting
things to do

first job
first car
first place
all your own
the first time
you reflect
on how much
you have grown

the first time
you realize
how often your parents
were right
during so many of those
long forgotten
adolescent fights

back when i didn’t realize
i’d be so surprised
when each year came
that deep inside
i would still feel
very much the same

that at thirty
i wouldn’t really
feel like i was old
just a girl
that has so many
more stories
to unfold

memories

everyone is flawed
in their own
little ways
everyone has
their good and
their bad days

we would argue for hours
over who had got more
who’s fault it was
who had the best score
we would go back and forth
when we couldn’t be heard
and try out every
new swear word
or insult
we’d learned

you were always so
over-dramatic
in everything
that you would do
but i don’t need
to perfect your image
in my memory
to miss you

good or bad times
i miss them all
no matter how big
no matter how small

hey love

hey love
remember me?

i did everything wrong
and just hoped for the best
and man, did my pride
fail all of your tests

hey love
remember when?

back before then when we
were so fearless in our love
when we viewed it as though
the stars had aligned above

when our passions like our tempers
would burn and then simmer
until they bubbled and erupted
swept us up like a river

hey love
remember me?

the girl who you had said
loved you so much more
than any other girl
had ever loved you before

the girl who wrote you a poem
and then watched you cry
and when i asked you what was wrong
you simply replied

“i’m just so happy, that’s all.
that’s why”

fiery or emotional
it was always
the same
tears of joy
or frustration
full of passion
either way

stars

we stared at the moon 
so big
full of wonder
and surprise
while the stars
shined thousands
of dancing lights
at our eyes

history (not wasting time)

i look
for comfort
in a lot
of the wrong
places
i spend
all my time
reading
people’s faces

looking
for meaning
in the lives
that exist around me
giving
my heart
to all those
who surround me

because
history
is just the study
of people
over time
our culture
a reflection
of the collective
human mind

maybe i’m
searching
for something
that i cant
define
but something
is telling me
i’m not
wasting
my time

because progress
is impossible
if no one ever
really tries
too busy
being surprised
by how fast
time flies

would i go back

if i could
how would i change it
it’s hard to decide
we were a fast and furious
roller coaster ride
we loved and fought
as if for years
in just that six month time

would i go back to january
that trip that we took
that ended up being
the last straw that it took
when we spent over a day in the airport
sleeping on benches
waiting to leave
silent and sad
or me begging on my knees

would i go back to december
the night of that
really big fight
erase the liquor, tears and bruises
so the weeks that followed
would have been alright

would i go back
to the night
you cheated on me
begged you
from two hours away
not to go
not to leave

would i go back to October
the night you’ll never forgive me for
when i was way too drunk to notice
that you were annoyed and at the bar
downing shots of jager
and heading for your car

would i go back to August
and tell you to take some time
to settle into your new life
before merging it with mine

unsaid

it just happened one day
she finished her coffee
put her mug in the sink
didn’t even stop
for a minute to think
she went to the bedroom
packed just one bag
then walked out the front door
without looking back

left him to deal
with all of her things
and the pain and heartache
that abandonment brings

after she left
she didn’t even cry
this time (oh this time)
her eyes were dry

it wasn’t
the first time
she had driven away
only this time her things
weren’t thrown on the lawn
or flung in her face

after everything
said and done
he really shouldn’t
have been surprised

the only word
she left
unsaid
was goodbye

last night

last night
making love to you
i cried
a release
of the emotions
held captive
by my pride

high school fantasy

i think maybe at first
you saw me as a prize
and you were trying on
your high school fantasy
for size

and it fit, for a while
like a dream
you would beam
but the threads were quickly
unraveling at the seams
and before long
there were tears as wide
as the knees
of my old jeans

and my heart, like those jeans
ripped little by little
until the night of that fight
when they both
tore down the middle

i knew then it was over
i just couldn’t admit it
like great shoes
you keep around
even if they don’t fit

mad hatter

i’m all over
the place
scattered
shattered
unsure
of what matters
the slowly
unraveling
lonely
mad hatter

lies

i know
then when you offer
to look me
in the eyes
whatever follows
will be
lies
lies
lies

sometimes

sometimes it seems
like you’re in too much
of a hurry
sometimes it feels
like the line between us
is a little blurry

this is a new game
for me, anyway
i know the rules
but i’ve never played

sometimes it’s hard to tell
if you’re just having fun
or if you
are starting trouble
from which i should run

you’re here

i don’t know
what the future
will hold
i don’t know
where this story
will go

all i know
is you’re here
in my heart
here in my head
there in my dreams
when i lay down
in bed

i don’t know if you
will ever love me again
i don’t know if we’ll
ever really be friends

traces

everything evolves
nothing
stays the same
feelings may
change
but traces
remain

breaking

it’s too beautiful
the water
the sun
the warmth that it’s making

for me to be
sitting here
faking

for my
heart
to be breaking

i remember

i remember
when i used to feel her
in the breeze
on a warm day
and how it felt
like she knew
everything i wanted
to say

i remember
the way she moved
when she heard a song
she really liked
and the snort like
noises she would make
when we were having
a fight

i remember
the way her face
used to look
when she laughed
how she’d sound
during that
open-mouthed chuckle
she always had

i remember
her humor
the kind of jokes
that she liked
the pure delight
on her face
was always such
a lovely sight

the other side

i wonder
how you’d feel
if our roles
were reversed
if i had done
that to you
in that way
right at first

if it had
been me
taking you
for that ride
tell me,
how would
forgiveness look
from the other side?

how easy
do you
expect this
to be?
it’s not
about you,
remember?
it’s about me

you play
the victim
like regret
is the main event
but regret
flames bright
then dies out
and is spent

i have
no blame
to eat
to settle
the score
just heartache
fear
disappointment
and more

almost may

it’s a cold
rainy
sad little day
can’t believe
its only
a week
until May

where
is the time going?
what happened
to spring?
what about
all the things
the new year
was supposed to bring?

same old
sad, cold
rainy little
day
sitting on the porch
with that
same old feeling
of fading
away

something about spring

there is
something about when
the earth wakes up
from its slumber
the warmth seeps
into my heart
and i begin
to remember
my love
of the little things
like how sunshine
makes me feel
how everything
seems
so tangible
so real

addicted

it’s like
i’m addicted
to making
poor decisions
i know better
and yet
its like i get
tunnel-vision
and immediately
after
my head
fills with shame
stupid
stupid
you have
no one else
to blame

lessons

life’s a long line
of lessons
you start to learn
when you’re young
and just continues
as you get older
there’s always
more to come

you learn
compassion
through exhaustion
that you are not
the only one
resiliency through
the pains that
you have had
to overcome

decency
through shame
past crimes
you can’t change
hurt caused
where you were
the only one
to blame

congratulations

its crazy to see
how much we have grown
you now preparing
for life
beyond your own

congratulations!