cursed

i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

what if i had

what if i
had walked away
instead of begging
you to stay

what if i
had said goodbye
instead of making you
watch me cry

would my pride
have eased
my pain somehow
would i feel
less pathetic
right now

shame

its like i’ve been
seeking affirmations
in any suitable man
who is willing
then i end up
sleeping with them
out of pity
when all i really
needed to hear was
“youre pretty,
youre pretty”

its pathetic
and shameful
and to most i’d deny
that i’m just doing
anything i can
to make myself feel
like i’m still alive

because i’m scared
and i’m sad
but you’d never know it
i’m too proud
and too embarrassed
to be able to show it

so i put on my boots
and my mega watt smile
and escape by becoming
the fantasies
of the men i encounter
for a while

i’m not proud
to admit it
but i’ll tell you
this much
it beats the hell
out of crying
and whining
and such

so judge me
if you like
if thats what
floats your boat
but that says more
about you
than any of these words
about me
that i’ve wrote