Monthly Archives: March 2009

if you knew

i still remember
when we were little kids
mom would always dress us up
in those many matching outfits
and we would play together
ride our bikes or watch tv
that is until we got a little older
and you started to become
a little jealous of me
i was the one that had the friends
that mom and dad approved of
and you started seeing their approval
as a measure of their love

you were always looking
for someplace where you’d belong
somewhere that you didnt feel
like everything you did was wrong

i’m sorry i didnt try harder
to be a friend to you
to help you navigate the awkwardness
that you were going through

all that time and its only now
that i’m starting to see
that something may have happened to you
something like what happened to me

i cant explain the guilt i feel
for not knowing if its true
for not talking about these kinds of things
like normal sisters do

i only wish i could go back
and try to talk to you
tell you that youre not alone
that we went through it too

i just cant stop thinking
that if you knew
maybe it would have changed
how things ended up for you


Filed under all, family, my sister

what else can i say

face down again
in some strangers bed
trying to collect
the events from last night
in my head
to remember why it is
that i didn’t just
go home instead

but i didnt say no
i never do
so i plan on leaving
before i can start
to feel used
i figure my socks
are lost in the bedsheets
so rather than risk waking him
i drive home in my bare feet

why do i need to feel loved
by every man i respect
like seduction is some kind of science
i’ve been trying to perfect
it’s a double edged blade
ain’t that always the way
but i’m addicted to the affection
what else can i say

1 Comment

Filed under all, lust and passion


maybe if i had
a little direction
i could figure out
which way to head in
maybe i wouldnt be
standing here
head in the sand
screaming in silence
waiting for someone to hear

i just cant seem
to get my gears in motion
feels like i’m walking
along the bottom
of the ocean
little inch by little inch
just getting by
“i’m doing fine”, i say
…but i lie

i’ve known love
and peace of mind
it has made me
affectionate and kind
but i’ve known fear
and dealt with pain
the kind of heartache
that suffocates
like a cold hard rain

it’s like i’m stuck somewhere between
the coming and going
scared of moving forward
of these seeds that need sowing

i’m not sure that i can handle
the truths i want to seek
not sure that when it counts
i’ll have the courage to speak

i dont even know
that i’m sure how i feel
from one day to the next
it’s like spinning the wheel
so its just easier
to hide myself here

Leave a comment

Filed under all, introspection

why not today

i’m just sitting here
why do i stay
thinking about
turning this car around
and just
running away
wont have to
do goodbyes
because really
theres nothing to say
everyone leaves

i just feel like
taking off
see you later, bye
trying not to think
about the tears
my mother would cry
but i know
that she’d understand
wanting to live
before i die

i just cant
stop thinking
that theres more
out there for me
that i need
to go and find
the me that
i’m supposed to be

cause it’s not
gonna happen
in this town
in this place
it’s so easy
to feel trapped
by all of this space
i feel so lost
that my heart
begins to race
and i start to think

why do i stay
how long can i keep
this maddening
restlessness at bay
i have to start
to live for myself
so why not today
why dont i
just turn this car around
and start
making my way

Leave a comment

Filed under all, introspection, random

who are you fooling

he wanders aimlessly
through the hospital corridors
passing the hardened saddened faces
of the people lingering on every floor

he brings his wife a coffee
tells her to take a break
with a warm touch and a big smile
he’s finding harder and harder to fake

he catches his reflection
in the window across the room
and tells himself
that this will all be over soon

but then he thinks

who are you fooling
your heart aches inside
who are you fooling
the site of your daughters bald head
makes you cry every time

she stares at him silently
from the other end of the couch
wanting desperately to speak
but unable to move her mouth

she fixes him his dinner
asks him if he’s alright
he says hes fine but tells her
that he’s going to be out again tonight

he leaves and she’s alone
staring in the bathroom mirror
telling herself she isn’t worried
telling herself that he’ll think clearer

but then she thinks

who are you fooling
you’re empty inside
who are you fooling
you spend every night crying
and you’re not even sure why

Leave a comment

Filed under all, pain and loss

without you

i know i was the one
who said we were done
who threw in the towel
and started to run

well what can i say
baby, you know me
illusions of greener grass
swept me off my feet

i didn’t know
who i was
without you as half of me
i just knew
i needed to see

i was scared
of being stuck behind
a constant back and forth
that left me numb inside

cause you were it
you were all that i had
and i don’t know why
but it made me mad

cause i didn’t know
who i was
if you weren’t half of me
i just knew
i wanted to see

but right now
looking at you
i cant help but remember
how in spite of it all
you could see
how happy we were

and now here i am
trying to understand
who i am without you
i wish i could tell you
that i knew

now here i am
trying to understand
how i can live without you
i only wish
that i knew

cause i didn’t know
who i was
without you as half of me
and now i am
and i’m not sure
i like what i see

Leave a comment

Filed under all, introspection, love and stuff

what will never be

i have this
one picture
of you and me
a glimpse of what
will never be
it makes me sad
to know that you
don’t look at me
the same way
i look at you
so this photo
is going to have to do

my eyes are drawn
to you like glue
from somewhere over
across the room
i just wish
there was a way
to hear the things
you cant seem to say
to help me keep
these fantasies at bay

cause i have this
one picture
of you and me
a perfect little glimpse
of what will
never be

Leave a comment

Filed under all, longing, love and stuff


Valentines Day of 98
was one of my
first real dates
and older guy
with romance in mind
surprised me with flowers
balloons and a monkey
at fifteen i was thinking
i was so lucky

when we were young
when the nights
seemed so long

valentines day of 99
i was yours and you were mine
you had your head in my lap
a tear in your eye
determined to give
this love your best try

you and I
we’d spend hours
driving around
with the windows down

remember that field
on that hill in your old tempo
lost in each other eyes
feeling our hearts grow

remember those days
meeting in the hallways
remember those nights
those silly high school fights

Valentines Day 2004
i was so in love
i was so sure
that that was it
that new man and I
the words he wrote me
made me cry

Valentines of 2009
the first one without
that man in my life
memories of past days
hit me like waves
and i long to know
just where did those loves go?

Leave a comment

Filed under all, longing, love and stuff

just thinking

i’m just thinking
where’s my sister
does she even know
that i miss her
wondering if she can see
the tears my eyes make
if she can feel
the way my heart aches

do you think she knows
how sorry i am
that i acted as though
i didn’t give a damn

do you think
that she’s happy
wherever she is
maybe with grandpa
and the first of her
two little kids

Leave a comment

Filed under all, my sister, pain and loss

sorry for that

i don’t know
who you think
that you are
screaming at me
right in my face
inside my car
but that isn’t going
to get you very far

yell at me
and i’ll yell back
i might even give
your face a smack
but if you even think
about hitting me back
you might as well
gather your things
and pack

cause my daddy’ll
make you sorry for that

alcohol can’t replace
the courage you lack
you do so many shots
you can’t even keep track
and i’m getting pity looks
from behind your back
you already know
how i can’t stand that

so i might make you
sorry for that

you’re hurt
cause you’re jealous
something i can’t just fix
you’re used to girls
who lie and play tricks
but what can i say
i’m not those girls
me and drama don’t mix

don’t act like an ass
in front of our friends
you’ll lose my respect
if this becomes a trend
and after that
won’t be something
you’ll be able to mend

you know me
i can’t help but keep track
trust and respect
are hard to earn back

and you might end up
sorry for that

Leave a comment

Filed under all


that girl in the bar
with the black and blue eye
i worry strongly for her
and you ask my why
i can just shake my head
and try not to cry

cant you see
the pain in her heart
she needs help but she
doesn’t know where to start

you blow it off
because we aren’t to blame
neither of us
even know her name
but that in itself
fills me with shame

cause this girl i dont know
may not say a thing
she sits there silently
fiddling with her ring
desperate for the distractions
these strangers may bring

i can hear her cry out
without saying a word
i know that you think
it’s a little absurd
but i feel her pain
without doing a thing
its hard to explain the guilt
that kind of empathy can bring

Leave a comment

Filed under all, random