Monthly Archives: March 2010

nightmare fairytale

its like
a nightmare
fairytale
especially if it
turned out
to be male

a version
of what
is in my dreams
but backward
and twisted
ripped at the seams

a product
of a love
once perfect
turned bad
forever
a reminder
of what
i don’t have

a cruel joke
to be played
on my heart,
so weak
do you
believe in god?
because i don’t
this week

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what you have

why do you need
to believe
that i want
what you have
don’t you see
how easily
that makes
you look sad

everyone
gets intimidated
and feels
insecure
i understand
where it is
you’re coming from,
sure

but that doesnt
give you the right
to act like a bitch
tone it down
pull it back
turn the off switch

i’m sick of being
your excuse
to have drama
in your life
so believe me
when i say
i’m not jealous
that youre his wife

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bits and pieces

from the margins of notebooks has a whole new category! it’s called bits and pieces. lately, i’ve been reading through my notebooks, and i noticed how many half written poems there were, not to mention the little phrases and snippets of would-be poems scattered in between the pages. some are poems without endings, some are little phrases that come out of my head, others are poems who’s rhyme scheme just never showed up, or who’s meter just wouldn’t steady. i decided that i want to share these on the site as well. while there are still things in my notebooks that i do not share online, this allows me to keep most of my writing together, and provides an outlet for some of the writing that will never become anything more than it is now, yet shouldn’t be discarded.

bits and pieces has the following three sub categories:

pieces. parts. here you will find the little snippets, partial stanzas, and little rhymes that come out of my head unconnected with a particular piece of work.

rambles. this is some of my poetry that didn’t always lend itself to rhyme or meter. they are pretty much a mess of jagged thoughts.

unfinished. here you will find the would be poems that i just simply was never able to finish.

i’ve been posting things to these categories for the last week, so there is a bunch there for you to check out. i hope you enjoy them.

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afraid to lose

why am i
so afraid to choose
is it just because i
am so afraid to lose

i’m not even sure
what i’m holding on for
i guess i’m just scared
that less is never more

that to have is better
than to be without
that loneliness is never
easier than doubt

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high hopes and high pedastals

we came together so naturally
and fell apart so fast
kind of funny considering
we were so sure this would last
we had high hopes and high pedestals
we placed each other on
and before we knew what happened
those pedestals were gone

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lonely

being lonely
is like a hunger
that wont go away
it only
grows stronger
with each passing day

it aches
to be soothed
by the one that you miss
it makes
you yearn
for just one more kiss

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cant be

this can’t be it
this can’t be goodbye
this can’t be you
laughing at me
while i cry

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guilt trip

i’m not trying
to guilt trip you
to make you feel bad
i’m just trying
to be honest
that this makes me sad

i want you
to sympathize
because you feel that way too
instead of re justifying
the reasons
like you often do

i understand
why it has to be
the way it will be
i accept that
but it doesn’t mean
that it wont
affect me

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waiting for something

i get home
put my bags down
take a look around
and feel overwhelmed

think i’ll lay down
i’m always tired now
i’ll pretend it’ll be ok
just don’t ask me how

i always say that i’m doing alright
but when did this routine become my life

i’m waiting for something
to make me feel alive
something that inspires me to
do something with my life

i need the motivation
and the courage it would bring
i can’t get there on my own
so i’m waiting on something

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self loathing

i’m not sure
you would stay
if i admitted
to these lies
and i just dont think
i could handle
watching you
pack up your eyes
and take shelter
somewhere
far from my side
so instead i live with
this self loathing
i’ve been trying
to hide

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not yet

i always feel
like something
is holding me back
keeping me from being
where it is
i need to get
like an echoing
in my head
not yet, not yet
not yet

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more to say

it’s really too bad
that it’s over this way
when we both have
so much more to say
but none of it
would do any good,
anyway

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strangers

every stranger
has a story
a mystery
worth exploring

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no hero

i know
that acting
the way
that i do
makes you feel
like i need to be
rescued
but that
isn’t the role
that i want
for you

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your ring

i no longer
wear your ring
no longer in need
of the comfort
that band would bring

but i must
still admit
missing you is a habit
much harder to quit

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there are times

there are times
when i hear
songs you loved
growing up
and i can see you
so vividly
legs crossed
head bobbing
singing along

it brings a smile
to my face
every time

i have all these
random memories
of our lives
through the years
the happy ones
are always the ones
that bring on
the tears

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tell me

i just want you to tell me
that i didn’t hurt you too bad
i just want to know
that deep down
you still think i’m kinda fab

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i’m always up
for a good time
if the feeling
is right
i go
with the flow
i don’t
like to fight

but don’t tell me that i
shouldn’t be alone
at this time of night
when i know
it’s my bed
you have in your sight

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keeping score

we’ve been down
this road before
not that i
am keeping score

i’m just not sure
that things can be
the way they were
between you and me

but that doesn’t change
where we are
or where we’ve been
i’m not sure that i
can explain it with this pen

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love like ours

loves like ours
are easy come
and easy go
or, at least-
that’s what i’m told

its
the going
i’m not
finding
so easy

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stumped

i’m stumped
stopped
blocked
i’ve got
no ideas
no energy
no wants
i cant
even muster
the desire
to try
i revert
to this old
spiderweb
of lies

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november

snow flakes hit my pencil
its November
chilly mornings turn to frost
crystals cover the parking lot
winter is coming
foggy windshields
winter boots
gloves and scarves
and turkey shoots

memories
of snow pants
and fuzzy white hats
of snow storms
sleigh rides,
ice skating
and snowball fights

winter
was full
of wonder

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coffee shop

lost
in my
thoughts
amongst
the clinking
of coffee cups
dim lights
and red vinyl
hollow eyes
and halfhearted
smiles

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funny way

you have this
really funny way
of making me aware
of every syllable i say
whenever you are in the room
my senses awake
and i become
acutely aware
of every tiny move
my body might make

it seems like every time
you turn your eyes to me
i fear that you will somehow
be able to see me breathe
that you can feel
the warmth of my cheeks
and hear as my heart
quickens it’s beats

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datebook

lately
it seems
i am
only happy
when my
datebook
is bursting
at the seams
i require
constant
distractions
to occupy
my days
i need
nonstop
intrigue
to keep me
in a kind of
calm daze

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highlight

she’s everyone’s
highlight
full of sweetness
loves the sunlight
shes not afraid
to be sarcastic,
but in a silly way
that makes it alright
always sunny
and trying
to be funny

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it’s like suddenly i
have nothing to say
sleepwalking my way
from day to day
its not like anyone
notices, anyway

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i aim

i aim
to be adored
by those
who i would be
surprised
to find
intrigued
by someone
like me

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dark days

dark days
are coming
but it seems
that i just
might
keep continuing
to ignore it
and remain
bright
and light

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insight

to see
is to learn
to speak
is to be
to listen
is to grow
in ways
you may
not even know

so look
when you see
and say
what you think
pay attention to
the people you meet
let them impact
your outlook
to gain the insight
we all seek

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you’re sitting there
making up
stuff to say
i think, mostly
just to keep
your mouth busy
because
as soon
as your mouth
stops moving
and you look my way
it’s clear that
we both know
what it wants
to be doing

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angie’s been

angie’s been
sleeping around
filling her time
pretending she’s fine

shes a flurry
of plans
full of stories and smiles
anything to be
distracted
for a while

i’m waiting for it all
to come crashing down
i’m watching as it slips
further out of her grip

but she
doesnt want
to be saved

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i know that you’ll just cry
cause you know its worked
every other time
but baby
i’ve got something else
in mind

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someday

someday
i’ll walk
hand in hand
with my sister
i wont even
have to tell her
how much
that i’ve missed her

we’ll play
with her daughter
in a field
of bright flowers
with one
of those views
you only see
from tall towers

we’ll reflect
on the clarity
that passing on
may bring
and we’ll
cherish
the time
and all the
little things

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what if i had

what if i
had walked away
instead of begging
you to stay

what if i
had said goodbye
instead of making you
watch me cry

would my pride
have eased
my pain somehow
would i feel
less pathetic
right now

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spring

i love
the sun
the warmth
the glow,
like everything
is fine
cause mother nature
says so

whenever i think
i’m not sure how
i’ll get by,
i just stop
and turn my face
to the sky

i love
to feel
the earth
under my toes.
i love
to feel
a warm breeze
through my clothes

to see
the world
with a bright
yellow glaze,
oh, how
my heart
grows full
on these days

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cruel

sometimes i think life
is unabashedly cruel
meant to continuously
make you feel like a fool

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whiskey

whiskey dulls the pain
i carry inside me
an aching that accompanies
almost any memory

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i’m fucking it all up again
shrugging it off
playing pretend

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youre too young

you’re too young
to understand right now
the who or the why
or especially the how
you came to be
with the family you have
or why sometimes, when we look at you
our faces seem sad

one day you’ll be old enough
for us to tell you the truth
about the tragedies that happened
during your early youth

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you think love
is either wrong or its right
but nothing is ever
that black and white
people are flawed
we’re complicated creatures
real life isn’t some kind
of fairytale Disney feature

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in this place

here in this place
we’ve all got on a brave face
our lives are hard
but we survive
but doing whatever we can
to feel alive

he tells me
its all a game
one he refuses
to explain
he thinks we’re weak
i know he must
its written all over
that look of disgust

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the rules

i’m not sure
what to say to you now
that you’ve gone and changed
the rules around

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confidence

you have very little
confidence in me
based on the attitude
i’ve let you see

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pages and pieces.

that little notebook
beside my bed
holds all the poems
that you never read

the thoughts i needed
to get out of my head
the ones i thought
were better left unsaid

when i felt lost
that book was my stage
old teardrops stain
almost every page

i re-read those words
as i make a new start
to try and collect the pieces
of my broken heart

somehow i’ll manage
to fashion them together
but those pieces, like those pages
will always remember

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