Category Archives: longing

These are poems about wishes, desires, and cravings of different natures.

After You

I miss the feeling of warm hands on my skin
The look of greedy eyes taking it all in
Being so vulnerable
Being so trusting
Might be a while before I let myself feel that way again

Oh, there will be hands
And lips, I’m sure
Relief from aches when I’m lonely or bored
But
I want to tingle at the touch of a finger
Connect in a way that’s about something deeper
When it’s scary as fuck but you don’t care one bit
When you’re fantasizing all day long about it

But I can’t think about it for long
Without getting that feeling in my chest
A heavy suction like a vacuum tube
To an oxygen-less abyss
My stomach feels sick
My hands start to shake
Can panic attacks be brought on by heartache?
Because suddenly I can’t breathe
I can’t think, I can’t speak
I get scared when my legs
Feel numb underneath me

Heart pounding, blood rushing
Radiating heat, on fire
I lay down against the cold floor
Start tracing each tile
Keep reassuring myself
This this will stop happening after a while

But I dont really know if that’s true
Not sure that I can ever fully trust myself
After you

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Chasing Fantasies

I’m always chasing down the fantasy
Instead of letting it breathe
Smothering it with this insatiable need
As if I can’t wait to prove
It’s never as good in reality

I can never hold out
I can’t seem to say no
Too curious to see
Where the story will go

Can’t not send the text
Can’t not return the kiss
Can’t not do
What I think he expects

It always ends with disappointment
That carves a hollow ache
The plight of a heart that always gives
When there’s nothing to take

Who just wants to feel heard
Who just wants to feel seen
Who wants you to do what you say you’ll do
Who wants you to say what you mean

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the radio

I’ll be driving alone
and that song comes on the radio
Just like that, it all rushes back

Hand in hand walking down
a cute small town street
my eyes on you
your eyes on me

The wind in my hair
your lips on my face
the beat of your heart
the hole in me it replaced

The taste of sweet sweat
and the sound of your laughter
the promise of a perfect
happily ever after

Even though it’s been so long
when I hear the right song
the past is never really gone

Cause just when I think
I’ve let it all go
that song is playing on the radio

You and me in the car
open skies, summer air
singing songs and feeling like
this was something rare

You playing with the hole
in the knee of my jeans
both of us joyful
smiling incessantly

The scent of your skin
your hot breath on my neck
the endless embraces
all those playful little pecks

It’s been so long
but when that song comes on
those moments, yeah
they live on

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who you wish i was

am i to blame
for the version of me
you had in your mind
a glowing trophy sitting on
some pedestal way up high

who is really responsible
when i start to tumble down
is it my fault if you don’t like
the way i look on the ground

you’re in love
with who you wish i was
and that is such a shame
because
i just want to love you
imperfectly, insatiably
but it will never
be enough, because
you’re in love
with who you wish i was

i’m no angel
i haven’t earned any wings
this isn’t a fairy tale
you’re no noble king

but as the light
of this broken halo
starts to die
so does the light
that shines at me
from your eyes

i just want to love you
wholly, unconditionally

but nothing i do now
will ever be enough
because you’ll never love me
like who you wish i was

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not that bad

today
i saw
a cloud
funnelled down
toward the
ground
stretching
thinning
the further
it went down

theres few things
that feel
as bad
as loving something
that you can
never have

reaching
for something
that you can
never touch
you’ll never
want anything
else
quite as much

but i guess
if you think about it
its not really
that bad
to lose
something
you never
really had

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cursed

i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

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starting over

    i can’t quite seem to finish this one… it just doesn’t feel done. i’m going to post it anyway, but check back because i might just update this when i can get the rest of it out of me. ~mana

last year i concentrated
on enjoying what i had
so that i would never again
have to feel too sad

spending time with my parents
having fun with friends
spending all day outdoors
allowing myself to mend

because i learned how hard it is
to lose someone you love
how it affects you in ways
you would have never thought of

you were the first person
that i allowed into my heart
and you had free reign of it
right from the very start

so when things started to go wrong
i became more and more afraid
and i allowed it to effect my actions
and the decisions that i made

somewhere along the way
i guess i stopped listening to you
and i wasn’t able to read you
like i used to be able to do

i wish that at the time
i had been able to see
that i was slowly burying
the things you loved about me

my fear made me into someone
who was constantly insecure
who didn’t trust herself
and pushed you away, i’m sure

the pain of loss is overwhelming
when the people you love die
but somehow, it is even harder
when someone you love chooses
to say goodbye

so right now i am concentrating
on enjoying what i have
so i wont be consumed
with feeling so damn sad

i’m trying to be the kind of person
that i would want there for me
i’m remembering to trust and love myself
to fight off the insecurity

i’ve realized that i don’t need
to find the girl i was before
parts of her remain with me
but i am, and will be so much more

but you remain the man
that i carry inside my heart
and i will always consider you
to be my new beginning’s start

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everyone tells me

everyone tells me
i’m going to be fine
that i just have
to give it some time

but time only makes me
feel that much more alone
and i still see your face
every time i look at my phone

its even harder to know
that you’re doing alright
not that i’m surprised
i figured you might

but why is it so much easier
for you to get over me?
what is it that i
am failing to see?

why didn’t you love me
the way i love you?
did i really make it
that impossible to do?

everyone tells me
i’m going to be fine
that i just need
to give it some time

but nothing was better
than time spent with you
being without that is something
i just cant get used to

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do you

it seems like everything
reminds me of you
everywhere i go
everything i do

baby, please tell me
is it the same for you?

do you miss my laugh
or seeing me smile
do you miss how it felt
to hold me in your arms for a while

do you miss me at night
when you lay down in bed
are memories of me
constantly swirling through your head

didn’t i
love you enough
even when things
got really tough

i know i messed up
that i made mistakes
and i just wouldn’t
ease onto the brakes

but do you miss walking around
holding my hand
do you ever think
“Amanda would understand”

do you ever pick up your phone
to send me a text
change your mind and just
move on to whatevers next

does your heart ever feel
like someone is plucking its strings
do you know the pain
that missing you brings

do you feel like you may
never feel any better
do you hope that we
might get back together

cause baby, let me tell you
i do. i do.

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grey

everything was grey
when i woke up today
maybe mother nature
knew i was feeling this way

like i just want to cry
and scream at the sky
i tell everyone i’m ok
but they know its a lie

never knew
i could feel so low
where did the love
you had for me go?

cant shake this fear
that you hate being here
and all that i want
is to have you near

seems like i’m going to fall
that i’m loosing it all
and i have never
felt so damn small

i know youre afraid
with this mess that we’ve made
even after all
of the times that we’ve prayed

to be able to make it better
so we could stay together
we used to be so happy
don’t you remember?

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you loved me

i can remember
it exactly
the last time
that you told me
you loved me
it was a month ago now
but it seems longer
somehow
since that loving look
was in your eye
now when you look at me
i just want to cry
because i can see
that its missing
and i cant stop
reminiscing
back to the day
when you loved me more
than you could say
and i just cant help
but to think
youre not really trying
that you’re letting your heart
stay locked away in hiding
i think its because
youre afraid
its not going to work out
that you wont be able
to overcome your doubt
and you dont want
to go through the hurt
but you have to try
if this is going to work

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I want to.

I want to be
passion on fire,
the magic in the room.
shameless,
fearless,
easily amused.

I want to be
the voice
of reason with my friends.
always the one
with an empathetic ear
to lend

I want to be
the glue
that holds everyone together,
so that they will
think something like,
“we really need her”.

I want to be
headstrong
and give everything a shot.
always steady,
strong and sure
but always willing
if I’m not

I want to
live.
without expectations,
without
worthless regrets.
no matter
how tragic
life, at times
can get.

I want to
take time.
to explore,
travel this great land.
and maybe,
along the way,
find out
who I am.

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everyday

i wish you
were here today
it’s the same thing
i think everyday

to see your face
in the morning
to kiss you goodbye
to hug you after work
when i feel like
i might cry

to slow dance
in the bedroom
when it starts to get dark
to see you smile
at my silly
offhanded remarks

to snuggle on the couch
during the evenings
turned cold
to stare at you and picture
you and me
when we’re old

having you there
to whisper my dream to
when i wake up in the night
to have you hold me
and kiss me
and tell me everything is alright

these day to day things
that we have to
miss out on
these sweet
little things
that help us to bond

i’m craving them
and the comfort
they bring me
the absence of which
can, at times
feel crippling

so i wish you
were here today
just like i do
everyday

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waiting for friday

five o’clock in the morning
still only half alive
crying as I watch you
walk down the drive
back to your life
to that place you call home
leaving me here in my space
to face another week on my own

five days until
I get to see you again
when you’ll hug and kiss me
and ask me how I’ve been
I’ll smile and say
I’ve been doing alright
being around you
always makes me feel light

but on those weekday mornings
when I wake up alone
and the distance between us
feels like it’s grown
I cant help but be sad
throughout most of the day
without you here
to hug it away

it’s not that i
don’t think we’ll be fine
I know how we both feel
we talk all the time
but I’m missing your hands
and seeing you smile
and just being able
to feel your presence for a while

I know that you
are feeling this way too
and there isn’t anything
either of us can do
we’ll just have to make do
with long phone calls and texts
until friday night
when we get to see each other next

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still with you

five days in a row
i dont get to see your face
five days a week
separated by so much space
i sit and stare at your photos
the days that i’m alone
thinking about how crazy it is
that your arms have become
the place i feel
most at home

two hour drive
every friday and sunday
two hours away
is where my heart will stay
because when the weekend is over
and its my time to go
i somehow find
the strength to leave
but my chest refuses
and just says, “no”
“no, i wont go”

so while you’re up there
and i’m down here
so much of me
is still with you, dear

i’m there when you laugh
and whenever you smile
so never think that you
haven’t seen me in a while
i’m there in the mirror
and in the curve of your chest
there in that place
you know i like best

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just because

i could kiss you
right now
and i know
you’d let me do it
this shy game
you’ve been playing
doesn’t fool me
one bit
because i know
you like
the way you feel
underneath me
how excited you get
how you moan
so easily

but you love her
i know
i can see it
on your face
don’t worry
i’m kinda used
to being
second place
in the eyes
of the men
that i long for
the most
but instead
of switching gears
i sit in neutral
and just coast

you would think
that i’d start
to change
my expectations
instead of accepting
those once-every-few-weeks
invitations
i tell myself
that i cant help
that my heart wants
what it does
its my lame excuse
for my actions
my substitute
for “just because”

but this time
i do nothing
as these thoughts race
through my head
and my trembling lips
pull back
and say goodbye
instead

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what will never be

i have this
one picture
of you and me
a glimpse of what
will never be
it makes me sad
to know that you
don’t look at me
the same way
i look at you
so this photo
is going to have to do

my eyes are drawn
to you like glue
from somewhere over
across the room
i just wish
there was a way
to hear the things
you cant seem to say
to help me keep
these fantasies at bay

cause i have this
one picture
of you and me
a perfect little glimpse
of what will
never be

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valentines

Valentines Day of 98
was one of my
first real dates
and older guy
with romance in mind
surprised me with flowers
balloons and a monkey
at fifteen i was thinking
i was so lucky

when we were young
when the nights
seemed so long

valentines day of 99
i was yours and you were mine
you had your head in my lap
a tear in your eye
determined to give
this love your best try

you and I
we’d spend hours
driving around
with the windows down

remember that field
on that hill in your old tempo
lost in each other eyes
feeling our hearts grow

remember those days
meeting in the hallways
remember those nights
those silly high school fights

Valentines Day 2004
i was so in love
i was so sure
that that was it
that new man and I
the words he wrote me
made me cry

Valentines of 2009
the first one without
that man in my life
memories of past days
hit me like waves
and i long to know
just where did those loves go?

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i want more

i want you
to see me
to know me
to explore me
to be interested
in my opinions
and my feelings
and my story

because i want
to hear you
touch you
understand you
to share in
your passions
and your dreams
like best friends do

but youre only
half there
with your
far-away stare
and i can tell
that you
dont really care
about this girl
her future
her past
or her present
youre there
for the few seconds
she makes you feel like
youre in heaven

youre there to score
pass out
wake up
and head for the door
do you really
not expect me
to want so much more?

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these days

these days
the sun sets early
and i find myself
longing
for sunshine
and warm breezes
lazy sundays
that seem to last forever
that feeling of freedom
and endless possibilities
while driving around
windows down
music loud

because these cold days
and freezing nights
make me yearn
for big cushions
and soft blankets
and a warm body
to curl up next to

this chill
makes me crave
warm drinks
and big hits
and the cutesy playfulness
of relationship bliss

a cold night
is no place
for a lonely soul
susceptible
to the warm looks
from the men lining
nearby bar stools
but i’m cold
so i seek
connections
in search
of that spark
that creates
a warmth
in my heart

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dont fall apart

i understand that it
is difficult for you
with everything
that we’ve been through
grief on top
of all the things
that the stress
of daily life can bring

but now is not the time
for us to fall apart
to surrender to the void
that exists in each of our hearts

we need to hold on
to the family we’ve still got
i need you to give support
and empathy a shot

look at each other
and try to remember
all of the reasons
that you’ve stayed together
think about
all of these years
remember all of the laughter
and yes, all of the tears

the triumphs and joys
and the pain that you’ve
been through
the times that
have shaped you
the times that
couldn’t break you

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the last time

i wish i had known
the last time
was the last time
for so many things
the last hug
the last laugh
the last card
“love your sister”
the last christmas
the last picture
the last “called cause i miss ya”
i wish i had seen
down the path this was headed
looked beyond to see
the truth that i dreaded
i wish i could heal
the pain of so many
touched so deeply
by you
your spirit
so much bigger
than even
i knew

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dreams of travels

i could stay here
just decide
to sit here
to be here
watch the water in motion
and the sky turning grey
got a job waiting for me
just up the way
but i might just stay here
blow it all off
for a while
pretend that my life
starts today
and sit and think
ahead
for a few hours

drive west til i’m out
of money for gas
camp out in the desert
with a notebook and a flask

maybe hop a train to boston
to walk the cobblestones streets
spend all night in a local pub
sharing stories
with the lonely souls
that i meet

to be free from it all
to escape in my brain
to wander on the travels
i’ve dreamed of in vain

i’d spend eight months
in le louvre
spend my days on sleek stone
amongst art and beauty
and treasures unknown
spend my nights on the hill
at le sacre coeur
marvel at the lights
of the city
stare up at the sky
and hum little ditties

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what you wish for

be careful what you wish for
he said
in his eerie little tone
i just kind of nod
and think
i learned that lesson again
not so long ago

it reminds you
to remember
to pay attention
to what you’ve got
to look closer
at the little things
that go on during
the everyday connections
of the collection of people
that exist in your heart

theres always more going on
behind a smile
than a frown
a silent exchange
between two sets of eyes
reveals more
than any words spoke
between hello and goodbye

people are whats important
those important to you, anyway
its not so hard to read them
its how they move and they think
not so much what they say

it so often goes
unnoticed
its so easy to become
content
with being too busy
to notice another’s
subconscious intent

but the wonders
of the mystery of others
is enough
when you remember
that in the end
its these people
that matter

the feelings they have given you
the experiences you share
the thoughts and ideas that have shaped you
have all sprung from there

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how did i get here

they move mindlessly
around the kitchen
in opposite
like some choreographed routine
busying themselves
with this and that
not speaking or touching
or even looking
at each other
isn’t that sad?

she fixes to eat
while he showers
she stares at the TV
while he gets in bed
but when she hears
that bedroom door close
she turns her head

and she thinks
how did i get here
what have i been doing
year after year
god, how did i get here?

he pretends to listen
as she talks about her day
nods along and looks away
and just wants to say

how did i get here
what have i been doing
year after year
god, how did i get here?

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