Category Archives: pain and loss

These are poems about pain, heartache and sadness. Usually the kind that comes when you lose someone, have lost love, or just lose your grip.

breaking your heart

I’m watching it all falling to pieces
and I just don’t want to believe it
seeing my sturdy, weathered rock
crumbling apart, turning to dust

maybe that’s all life ever does
twist and hurt and end
maybe I just didn’t want to see it
but maybe that’s all it’s ever been

cause it’s all happening
it’s all falling apart
maybe no one ever
really finishes what they start

seems that life
just loves
to keep breaking your heart

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broken dreams

this collection
of our broken dreams
puffed up and proud
for everyone to see

the remainders
the reminders
of paths not followed
of oats not sowed

while you have shelves
full of frames, full of stories
you’ve told and retold

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no more

what else
do you think
you can do
to my heart
can’t break
what’s already
broken apart

there’s nothing
you can do to me
no more
no pain my heart
hasn’t felt
before

now you’re coming
around here
well you can just
stop right there
it could never be
what it was before
that girl
isn’t even here
anymore

i’ll never
do that again
let someone
do me like
you did

your words
those weapons
can’t wound me
anymore
there’s nothing
you can say to me
i haven’t
heard before

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hey love

hey love
remember me?

i did everything wrong
and just hoped for the best
and man, did my pride
fail all of your tests

hey love
remember when?

back before then when we
were so fearless in our love
when we viewed it as though
the stars had aligned above

when our passions like our tempers
would burn and then simmer
until they bubbled and erupted
swept us up like a river

hey love
remember me?

the girl who you had said
loved you so much more
than any other girl
had ever loved you before

the girl who wrote you a poem
and then watched you cry
and when i asked you what was wrong
you simply replied

“i’m just so happy, that’s all.
that’s why”

fiery or emotional
it was always
the same
tears of joy
or frustration
full of passion
either way

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unsaid

it just happened one day
she finished her coffee
put her mug in the sink
didn’t even stop
for a minute to think
she went to the bedroom
packed just one bag
then walked out the front door
without looking back

left him to deal
with all of her things
and the pain and heartache
that abandonment brings

after she left
she didn’t even cry
this time (oh this time)
her eyes were dry

it wasn’t
the first time
she had driven away
only this time her things
weren’t thrown on the lawn
or flung in her face

after everything
said and done
he really shouldn’t
have been surprised

the only word
she left
unsaid
was goodbye

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high school fantasy

i think maybe at first
you saw me as a prize
and you were trying on
your high school fantasy
for size

and it fit, for a while
like a dream
you would beam
but the threads were quickly
unraveling at the seams
and before long
there were tears as wide
as the knees
of my old jeans

and my heart, like those jeans
ripped little by little
until the night of that fight
when they both
tore down the middle

i knew then it was over
i just couldn’t admit it
like great shoes
you keep around
even if they don’t fit

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i remember

i remember
when i used to feel her
in the breeze
on a warm day
and how it felt
like she knew
everything i wanted
to say

i remember
the way she moved
when she heard a song
she really liked
and the snort like
noises she would make
when we were having
a fight

i remember
the way her face
used to look
when she laughed
how she’d sound
during that
open-mouthed chuckle
she always had

i remember
her humor
the kind of jokes
that she liked
the pure delight
on her face
was always such
a lovely sight

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the other side

i wonder
how you’d feel
if our roles
were reversed
if i had done
that to you
in that way
right at first

if it had
been me
taking you
for that ride
tell me,
how would
forgiveness look
from the other side?

how easy
do you
expect this
to be?
it’s not
about you,
remember?
it’s about me

you play
the victim
like regret
is the main event
but regret
flames bright
then dies out
and is spent

i have
no blame
to eat
to settle
the score
just heartache
fear
disappointment
and more

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not that bad

today
i saw
a cloud
funnelled down
toward the
ground
stretching
thinning
the further
it went down

theres few things
that feel
as bad
as loving something
that you can
never have

reaching
for something
that you can
never touch
you’ll never
want anything
else
quite as much

but i guess
if you think about it
its not really
that bad
to lose
something
you never
really had

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cursed

i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

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starting over

    i can’t quite seem to finish this one… it just doesn’t feel done. i’m going to post it anyway, but check back because i might just update this when i can get the rest of it out of me. ~mana

last year i concentrated
on enjoying what i had
so that i would never again
have to feel too sad

spending time with my parents
having fun with friends
spending all day outdoors
allowing myself to mend

because i learned how hard it is
to lose someone you love
how it affects you in ways
you would have never thought of

you were the first person
that i allowed into my heart
and you had free reign of it
right from the very start

so when things started to go wrong
i became more and more afraid
and i allowed it to effect my actions
and the decisions that i made

somewhere along the way
i guess i stopped listening to you
and i wasn’t able to read you
like i used to be able to do

i wish that at the time
i had been able to see
that i was slowly burying
the things you loved about me

my fear made me into someone
who was constantly insecure
who didn’t trust herself
and pushed you away, i’m sure

the pain of loss is overwhelming
when the people you love die
but somehow, it is even harder
when someone you love chooses
to say goodbye

so right now i am concentrating
on enjoying what i have
so i wont be consumed
with feeling so damn sad

i’m trying to be the kind of person
that i would want there for me
i’m remembering to trust and love myself
to fight off the insecurity

i’ve realized that i don’t need
to find the girl i was before
parts of her remain with me
but i am, and will be so much more

but you remain the man
that i carry inside my heart
and i will always consider you
to be my new beginning’s start

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everyone tells me

everyone tells me
i’m going to be fine
that i just have
to give it some time

but time only makes me
feel that much more alone
and i still see your face
every time i look at my phone

its even harder to know
that you’re doing alright
not that i’m surprised
i figured you might

but why is it so much easier
for you to get over me?
what is it that i
am failing to see?

why didn’t you love me
the way i love you?
did i really make it
that impossible to do?

everyone tells me
i’m going to be fine
that i just need
to give it some time

but nothing was better
than time spent with you
being without that is something
i just cant get used to

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do you

it seems like everything
reminds me of you
everywhere i go
everything i do

baby, please tell me
is it the same for you?

do you miss my laugh
or seeing me smile
do you miss how it felt
to hold me in your arms for a while

do you miss me at night
when you lay down in bed
are memories of me
constantly swirling through your head

didn’t i
love you enough
even when things
got really tough

i know i messed up
that i made mistakes
and i just wouldn’t
ease onto the brakes

but do you miss walking around
holding my hand
do you ever think
“Amanda would understand”

do you ever pick up your phone
to send me a text
change your mind and just
move on to whatevers next

does your heart ever feel
like someone is plucking its strings
do you know the pain
that missing you brings

do you feel like you may
never feel any better
do you hope that we
might get back together

cause baby, let me tell you
i do. i do.

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grey

everything was grey
when i woke up today
maybe mother nature
knew i was feeling this way

like i just want to cry
and scream at the sky
i tell everyone i’m ok
but they know its a lie

never knew
i could feel so low
where did the love
you had for me go?

cant shake this fear
that you hate being here
and all that i want
is to have you near

seems like i’m going to fall
that i’m loosing it all
and i have never
felt so damn small

i know youre afraid
with this mess that we’ve made
even after all
of the times that we’ve prayed

to be able to make it better
so we could stay together
we used to be so happy
don’t you remember?

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you loved me

i can remember
it exactly
the last time
that you told me
you loved me
it was a month ago now
but it seems longer
somehow
since that loving look
was in your eye
now when you look at me
i just want to cry
because i can see
that its missing
and i cant stop
reminiscing
back to the day
when you loved me more
than you could say
and i just cant help
but to think
youre not really trying
that you’re letting your heart
stay locked away in hiding
i think its because
youre afraid
its not going to work out
that you wont be able
to overcome your doubt
and you dont want
to go through the hurt
but you have to try
if this is going to work

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the little things

its funny how
its the little things
you never seem to lose
the shape of her eyebrows
the size of her shoes
its sad how its the big things
i’m starting to forget
the tone of her laugh
or her biggest accomplishment
its scary to think
about how fast the years
have gone by
since i last saw her smile
since i last heard her cry
it pains me to know
that there are days
i dont think of her
that there will come a time
when i’ll have to try
to remember her
i think about her life
about what it could have been
if only she had known
how soon it was going to end

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twenty years from now

twenty years from now
am i going to be thinking
that i spent all these years
doing nothing but sinking
wasting my time
doing whatever was easiest
never letting anyone
take me too serious
will i wish i spent more time
with the sun on my face
will i wish i had looked at success
like it was more of a race
will the people i love now
be the people i love then
will i still be in touch
with my dearest old friends

twenty years from now
will i be thinking
i’m happy i’ve come so far
or will i be drowning my regret
in a glass at the local bar
because life throws you curves
and it can often be cruel
the hard stuff are the things
they dont teach you in school

like death is a given
for you and everyone you know
and youre never prepared
to deal with someone’s time to go
or that sorrow is like the ocean
with tides that roll in
it moves out and gets calm
but it keeps coming back again

how much more sorrow
will i know
between now and then
is acceptance really
just a matter of when?

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who are you fooling

he wanders aimlessly
through the hospital corridors
passing the hardened saddened faces
of the people lingering on every floor

he brings his wife a coffee
tells her to take a break
with a warm touch and a big smile
he’s finding harder and harder to fake

he catches his reflection
in the window across the room
and tells himself
that this will all be over soon

but then he thinks

who are you fooling
your heart aches inside
who are you fooling
the site of your daughters bald head
makes you cry every time

she stares at him silently
from the other end of the couch
wanting desperately to speak
but unable to move her mouth

she fixes him his dinner
asks him if he’s alright
he says hes fine but tells her
that he’s going to be out again tonight

he leaves and she’s alone
staring in the bathroom mirror
telling herself she isn’t worried
telling herself that he’ll think clearer

but then she thinks

who are you fooling
you’re empty inside
who are you fooling
you spend every night crying
and you’re not even sure why

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just thinking

i’m just thinking
where’s my sister
does she even know
that i miss her
wondering if she can see
the tears my eyes make
if she can feel
the way my heart aches

do you think she knows
how sorry i am
that i acted as though
i didn’t give a damn

do you think
that she’s happy
wherever she is
maybe with grandpa
and the first of her
two little kids

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what about

she had dreams in mind
once upon a time

now shes hiding away the days
under long sleeves and makeup
running out of excuses
for looking banged up

telling herself
it isnt that bad
she just has to keep him
from getting that mad

but shouldn’t she
shouldn’t she be thinking

what about me
what about the happy family
you promised me
what about the bruises
you leave on my face
what about the blood stains
all over our place
what about the times
I beg you to stop
when you laugh and say
you’ll do whatever you want

what about the babies
you caused me lose
in one way or the other
from all your abuse
what about the crack
you cant live without
what about the changes
you’re always talking about

what about me
a wife and a mother is all
i ever wanted to be

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sorry

i am so sorry
that i cannot seem
to make myself be
what it is
i know you need

and i am sorry, too
that i cannot
bring myself to be
a better person
and let go of you

you may say
not to worry
as if your heart
is hard as rock
and can not get hurt

but i know better
i’ve seen through
a weakness
in your eyes
you may not know it
but you’re
telling me lies.

lies
of the mind
the ones that
toss out reasoning
and hold on tight
to whatever sounds right
to get you
whatever it may be
at the time
that feels right

my fear is that you
may begin to regret
how invested
you’ve become
through the time
that we’ve spent

more so, i fear
that i may begin
to pull back
or move on
or get bored with you, dear

i love how we laugh
and how our bodies
just fit
but i warned you
at the start
that this would be it

we would joke
and have fun
and let this course
take its run
find someplace to hide
share stories, confide

but i am not looking
to find that one
and baby,
if you were him
i’d already have run.

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down below

theres this
sinking feeling
in my gut
swirling around
bringing me
down

its fear
and its pain
that even
after laughs
and love and fun
remains

it stays
down below
the me
that you see
and tears up
my middle
trying
to get free

but i’ve been
holding off
on exploring
its depth
because the
truths
i may find there
scare me
to death

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ange

i’m trying to remember
the shape of her smile
revisit the times
when we were young
for a while

been trying to recall
the tone of her laugh
you would think
it would be easy
27 years – you do the math

she used to make these faces
that were so uniquely her
sometimes i see them on her son
and my heart feels
like it just cast out a lure

sometimes i find myself
sitting in my car
or alone in an empty corner
of the local bar
talking to her
as if she were there
as if to remind her
how much i still care

i’m missing you, ange
and i hope that you know
that the pain of losing you
only seems to continue to grow

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missing my sister

and just
like that
she was gone
just when you think
that life
is so long
no more of
her laughter
no more of
her tears
no more inside jokes
collected
through the years

i’m just missing
my sister
wishing
i’d listened to her
longing to go back
before the attack
to tell her
i love her
that i’d be
lost without her
it kills me
to know
that it may
not have showed

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angry

i am angry
about all of the time
i thought that we had
to develop the kind
of relationship
i had always wanted
to have

i thought that we’d
get older
and learn to lean
on each others shoulders
that in time our differences
would be subdued
and we would chat
like sisters do

but we will never
get that chance
no matter what may be
the circumstance

i’m so sorry i didnt
try harder during
the time that we had
i really had
no idea
that things were that bad

now all i can do
is miss you
keep piling up
the tissues
deal with this
itching
that says something
is missing
let sorrow sedate me
and succumb to its
aching

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one less

i regret the days
i wished for
one less
the days that
i thought
just us three
would be best

i regret the unanswered invitations
and all those missed calls
the times not shared
when you were still right there
only separated by walls.

because now its just
us three
and its taken all this
to make me see
that these three
will forever be
aching to be
one more
once more

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the last time

i wish i had known
the last time
was the last time
for so many things
the last hug
the last laugh
the last card
“love your sister”
the last christmas
the last picture
the last “called cause i miss ya”
i wish i had seen
down the path this was headed
looked beyond to see
the truth that i dreaded
i wish i could heal
the pain of so many
touched so deeply
by you
your spirit
so much bigger
than even
i knew

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everyone says

everyone says
they’re so happy
for me
that the trial
is done
that he didn’t
go free

everyone says
they’re so glad
that its over
that my family
can finally
find some closure
thank you, i say
but i can see
that now is when
the hard stuff
is going to be

because now that there
will be nothing new
missing my sister
is all i can do

a hollow dull aching
inside my chest
is all that i have
memories of times
when we were
at our best

theres never any closure
when a family member
is murdered
the thought of it
strikes me
as just a little absurd

we get to say
no goodbyes
cant take back
any lies
get to share
no more laughter
theres no
happily ever after

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robbed

each new detail they give me
puts an image in my head
and i’m piecing them together
like a mr. potato head

and i’m trying to ignore
the impending completed scene
as it plays out like a movie
or a really bad dream

the more that i know
the more helpless i feel
it leaves invisible wounds
that may never heal

because she was cheated
she was wronged
she was robbed
of her dreams
of her future
of her life
as she sobbed

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all the things

if i could
i would be
all of the things
you may have wanted
but will never have
the chance
to become

it would help me
to feel
like you were
still here
like a little part of you
would get to be
all of the things
you ever dreamed

you will never
get to see
the beautiful boy
your son
has turned out to be
but i will be sure
to remind him
that he
has a connection
to you
and how proud
you would be

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how they say

you know how they say
everything happens for a reason
what a cruel cruel thing to say
like sorrow is just a wave
that rolls in and out
like the seasons
and you know how they say
that time heals every pain
what a heartbreaking
way to say
that you have no
real comfort to bring
no soothing thought
to try to tame
the temper of currents
that race through my brain

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