Category Archives: random

The poems just didn’t quite fit anywhere else.

Mission to Mars

This was something I wrote for a writing project, as part of an online community I’m a part of. I (of course) chose to write a poem, but the topic was a future setting where mankind was going to Mars. I missed the deadline to submit for the project, so this has been hanging out in my notebook and needs a home.
If you’re a creative type, and you’ve never heard of hitRECord I suggest checking it out. It works as a production company, they make all kinds of art and media and collaborate on it. If you’re at all curious, there is probably something for you there.

 

We have wasted and turned to dust
What once was beautiful green and lush
Now we can travel to the red world above
But what can she really offer us?

Us, who destroy and degrade and consume
Us, who blindly orchestrate our own doom

I stand on charred earth
And look up at the stars
But it feels wrong to join them
To claim planets as ours

Maybe, as they say, it was
An inevitable evolution
Or maybe it’s a hail mary
A kind of desperate delusion

Either way it feels wrong
To leave the earth we destroyed
Disrespected, neglected
Treated like a toy

Even if mankind makes it to Mars
We will inevitably bring
Everything that will eventually
Destroy us from within

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Nostalgic Fantasy

Is this all I am
Is this all I’ve ever been
A nostalgic game of fantasy
To every man who has ever known me

You always ask me what Im wearing
You want me to make it sound cute
You’re thinking knee socks and spandex
Clinging to my legs
Tank top tight against these ample breasts
You want me to paint myself into
A portrait for you
Like I am just a fantasy
Here waiting for you

Well this
Is what you see
When I put down the paintbrush
And pick up a pen
This is the image of a woman
Waiting around to play fantasy for men

This is the dry mouth
That comes after all of those held breaths
This is the sound of gagging
On the resentment of expectations not met
This is the stench
Of a mountain of regret
That oozes out like pheromones
At the hint of a familiar scent

But you want that flirtatious adrenaline rush
That conversation only if you’re bored
That sexy picture when you’re stressed
That slow playful texting
About what kind of sex we like
On your oh-so-seldom lonely night

I never thought
You’d inspire me to feel this way
This, another lesson
That rose colored glasses
Grow back with time away

But you spent so many years
Agreeing to be only what I needed
Regardless of how you may have been feeling
So now I wonder if I don’t owe it to you
To play the part of your Manic Pixie Dream Girl
For a few

But I feel something die a little
With every word I say
Because fantasies flame hot
Then die out a little every day
And anything real
Burns to ashes that way

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No One

I’ve been bruised by more men than I’d like to admit
See even when we know better, we’re still ashamed of it
People don’t understand my anger
At the victim shaming, the blaming
“What did you do/What did you say that made him so mad?”
Or “Well it’s not like he hit you, so it wasn’t that bad.”

Once, he just forced me down on my knees
Held me there while he poured his entire beer over me

Once, to keep me from leaving
He secretly disconnected wires in my engine
No idea what he was doing, thought it would stall out
But not right away, it didn’t

Once, he just threw a remote at my head
Thankfully I reacted, he got my forearm instead

I covered welts and shame under lies and long sleeves
Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks
And not to protect him, but to protect me

See I understand the reason we fold
No one can pick apart a story you never told
No details for people to hammer away at
No having to hear, “I just can’t see him acting like that.”

No one to claim you hurt yourself to be vengeful
No one to start a meme of your pain and call you hateful
No one to tell you, “you probably deserved what you got”
No one to spread rumors that violence gets you hot

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Being Polite

I told him no thanks
I don’t drink vodka anymore
And I don’t like gin
Apparently that didn’t matter to him
He brought over a martini
Kept saying I would just love it
So finally, I smiled thinly
While he watched me swallow it

Because God forbid
He call me the crazy girl
Who thinks everyone wants to rape her
The ungrateful bitch
Who refused the drink that he paid for

Because girls should be careful
But they should never be rude
Weren’t you taught that too
And, you’re a good guy right?
So she shouldn’t be scared of you

As if predators have
flashing lights on their heads
As if we don’t already
have to worry
You’ll mistake politeness
for interested

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Election Day

Yeah, I’ll be in the ballot booth today
Because there is no way I won’t participate
In making sure that this time, hate doesn’t win
In saying that people are so much deeper than their skin

My vote will say no matter what your heritage
If your family is Muslim, black, or Mexican
I don’t see you as any less of an American

I’m able to vote as a woman
But it hasn’t always been that way
Our opinions weren’t valid back in ‘the good ole days’
It scares me to see such misogyny on display
To be told my looks determine the value of what I say

I’ll be voting down the ballot
for those who understand accountability
Who don’t believe that wealth affects credibility
I’ll vote for people who always follow the science
Who want to move us away from our oil reliance

I’ll vote for the people who can act like adults
Who don’t follow party lines like it’s some kind of cult
I’ll be voting for reason, for rationality
Compromise imperitive to an indirect democracy

So I hope to see you at the voting booths today
I’ll give you a smile and go on my way
See I am not worried, I have faith we will see
That hate isn’t all that it’s hyped up to be

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One Wish

Star light, star bright
first star I see tonight
Wish I may, wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight

I’ve got this one wish, it’s like a dream
A world without petty egos and bigotry
A world where love always trumps hate
Where no one feels the need to discriminate

Where it doesn’t matter what shade of skin you’re rocking
Just the content of your words when you get to talking

Where fear doesn’t override our empathy
Where we reach for compassion, for dignity
Where we don’t sneer at basic common courtesy
Because we now consider that to be “too PC”

I’ve got this wish I’d really like to see
A return to civility, to decency
Where we celebrate the optimism found in youth
You can learn just as much from them as they can from you
To when denigrating others didn’t get us off
When we found pride in things that now just elicit scoffs

But we all learn from different people, different places
And evil takes on many forms, shapes and faces
It’s passed down in families through generations
Spreading and popping up in pockets throughout the nation

I’ve got this wish that you could call a dream
Where we encourage thoughtfulness and generosity
Where we foster intellectual curiosity
And our leaders display kindness, not animosity

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forgiveness

forgiveness is tricky
in it’s own special ways
so much harder to do
than to say

you can think that you’re past it
you can think you’ve moved on

you can even think
going through it made you strong

but nothing
is ever
really
gone

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broken dreams

this collection
of our broken dreams
puffed up and proud
for everyone to see

the remainders
the reminders
of paths not followed
of oats not sowed

while you have shelves
full of frames, full of stories
you’ve told and retold

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hey Lonnie

Hey Lonnie,
do you remember the time
back before you and I
had even turned nine

I wanted one of your stickers
so I bargained with you
you asked for a kiss on the lips
which you didn’t think I’d do

I gave you a good peck on the mouth
in an awkward, childish way
Picked up my new sticker and walked away
but you followed me
around school the next day
you and our friend TJ
chanting over and over
“Lonnie loves A.D.”

but I was embarrassed
and I didn’t know what to do
not sure if I should let you know
that I liked you

and just the next week
your family up and left
and I never did see you again

I was sad and regretful
even at that age
I wrote our initials in a heart
on every single page
I would fantasize about you
moving back to town
holding hands, telling our friends
that we were ‘going out’

but at that age
it was hard to keep track
and you never did
end up coming back

when I was alone I would
think about you incessantly
but even that young
I knew things could change suddenly

so you were my daydream
my bitter-sweet memory

A loss that shaped the way
I’ve dealt with heartbreak
to this day

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price tag

there are so many people
who live paycheck
to paycheck
who can’t afford care
when they get hurt
or get sick

they’re good people
during hard times
they have families
they lead good lives

then there are so many people
who have so much more
than they could ever need
who are motivated by things
like power, fame, greed

they spend
thousands of dollars
on novelty items
from foreign designers
because it’s
the status
they admire

one poor man’s surgery
hangs in another man’s closet
lost and forgotten
price tag
still on it

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i believe

i believe
in kindness
and grace
that everyone
looks better
with a smile
on their face

i crave words
debates, ideas
i believe nothing
is more liberating
than the way
tolerance feels

that organized
oppression
is something
we should fear

people aren’t property
fairness isn’t a commodity
you think i’m naive, probably
but that’s what i believe
and i’ll defend it
as long as i
can breathe

i hope for progress
happiness, liberty
that we learn
from the mistakes
we’ve made
throughout our history

you can’t have dignity
without decency
trust without sincerity
yeah i believe

that there’s a problem
when men become powerful
backed by the plentiful
amount of people
who aren’t clever enough
to know better
than to believe only that
which they’ve heard

when politicians
pander to the ignorant
so the truth
becomes intelligibly hazy
when campaigns depend
on the intellectually lazy

i believe in humanity
in equality
that our leaders
shouldn’t be trying
to legislate
their own morality
you can call me a liberal
definitely
and i’ll defend it
as long as i can breathe

as for me, i bring
an open heart
and an open mind
with an open hand
for those
who need a lift
from time to time

a curious spirit
a compassionate word
an encouragement
that you and your voice
should be heard

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jackie

jackie was adorable
simple and sweet
the nicest girl
you’d ever meet

she grew up with ribbons
and curls in her hair
quiet but kind
always lending an ear

you could tell
she was sweet
but she was shy, too
she even had
a boyfriend or two

that was jackie
simple and sweet
nicest girl
you’d ever meet

i saw her just
the other day
in that happy
coincidence way
she seemed
more relaxed
than she’s ever been
holding hands
with her girlfriend

they have a house
foster rescued animals
just home for one
of those seasonal
family rituals

same old jackie
simple and sweet
nicest girl
you’ll ever meet

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i’ll be

i may never
be the prettiest
girl in the room
i’d rather
be the one
you hope to see
again soon

i’ll be the girl
whose eyes shine
when she laughs
who always
seems to know
the right questions
to ask

i’ll tell you my story
sing you my song
sit at the piano
grab the guitar
play along
i promise
you’ll be smitten
by the time
that i’m done

i’ll be cute
i’ll be fun
i’ll be sexy
when the time comes
for it
and before you know it baby
you’ll be begging me
for it

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karma

people who don’t know you well
say you seem like such
a loving husband, devoted father
the kind of guy who stops to chat
and flash a nice smile
when most wouldn’t bother

but they don’t know you
like i know you
they haven’t seen
the things i’ve seen
your wife may not admit it
but she knows what i mean

the problem with you
is you believe
your own lies
tell them over and over
then play dumb, deny
feign surprise

so don’t think
that i don’t know
what you took from me
even after all
of our generosity

but that’s ok
cause one day
karma is gonna
crash your party
one day, sweetie
you
are really
gonna be sorry

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inked pages

will the sum of my memories
ever hold more meaning
than this
emotions and thoughts
filling these inked pages
in long skinny lists

will my experiences
my feelings, my words
be lost, forgotten like
the millions of others’
we’ve lost in the world

one day i’ll be forgotten
when my loved ones
are generations of the past
or maybe i’ll exist
as long as these
inked pages last

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almost may

it’s a cold
rainy
sad little day
can’t believe
its only
a week
until May

where
is the time going?
what happened
to spring?
what about
all the things
the new year
was supposed to bring?

same old
sad, cold
rainy little
day
sitting on the porch
with that
same old feeling
of fading
away

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, random, undone

something about spring

there is
something about when
the earth wakes up
from its slumber
the warmth seeps
into my heart
and i begin
to remember
my love
of the little things
like how sunshine
makes me feel
how everything
seems
so tangible
so real

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lessons

life’s a long line
of lessons
you start to learn
when you’re young
and just continues
as you get older
there’s always
more to come

you learn
compassion
through exhaustion
that you are not
the only one
resiliency through
the pains that
you have had
to overcome

decency
through shame
past crimes
you can’t change
hurt caused
where you were
the only one
to blame

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congratulations

its crazy to see
how much we have grown
you now preparing
for life
beyond your own

congratulations!

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winter woods

heavy
snow-covered trees
look like lighted
silk tent tepees

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caution and fear

whats
the difference
between
caution
and fear
how
can i tell
which
is stopping
me here

because
i want to be
less fearful
i know
that i should
but i also
want to be
smart
like i promised
my mom i would

i guess
its all
context
and what
is at stake
i suppose
that its fear
if all
i’m risking
is heartache

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still waters

its a lamb
of a spring day
the waters are still
i soak up the sun
and study the rocks
below this grassy hill

and i think
about life
i ponder its mysteries
i fell small
so i conjure
your presence from my memories

i sit there with you
and hear symphonies
in the silence
and i can feel your smile
radiating light
full of kindness

so i close
my eyes
feel the wind on my face
content not to
feel alone
in this beautiful place

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nightmare fairytale

its like
a nightmare
fairytale
especially if it
turned out
to be male

a version
of what
is in my dreams
but backward
and twisted
ripped at the seams

a product
of a love
once perfect
turned bad
forever
a reminder
of what
i don’t have

a cruel joke
to be played
on my heart,
so weak
do you
believe in god?
because i don’t
this week

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what you have

why do you need
to believe
that i want
what you have
don’t you see
how easily
that makes
you look sad

everyone
gets intimidated
and feels
insecure
i understand
where it is
you’re coming from,
sure

but that doesnt
give you the right
to act like a bitch
tone it down
pull it back
turn the off switch

i’m sick of being
your excuse
to have drama
in your life
so believe me
when i say
i’m not jealous
that youre his wife

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spring

i love
the sun
the warmth
the glow,
like everything
is fine
cause mother nature
says so

whenever i think
i’m not sure how
i’ll get by,
i just stop
and turn my face
to the sky

i love
to feel
the earth
under my toes.
i love
to feel
a warm breeze
through my clothes

to see
the world
with a bright
yellow glaze,
oh, how
my heart
grows full
on these days

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pages and pieces.

that little notebook
beside my bed
holds all the poems
that you never read

the thoughts i needed
to get out of my head
the ones i thought
were better left unsaid

when i felt lost
that book was my stage
old teardrops stain
almost every page

i re-read those words
as i make a new start
to try and collect the pieces
of my broken heart

somehow i’ll manage
to fashion them together
but those pieces, like those pages
will always remember

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sleepwalking

not sure what woke me
but its 4 am again
slide out of my jeans
on the way to my bed
crawl in and try
to quiet my head

sleepwalk my way
through the shower
and the getting ready
after
another day
of bleary eyes
of making it seem
as though i really try

friday morning
five oclock
no idea how long
i’ve been staring
at the dashboard clock
stomach is sour
lips reek of whiskey
fall to my knees
digging around
for my keys

sleepwalk through the shower
and the getting ready after
one more day
of bleary eyes
of making it seem
like i really try

but i’m just a liar
wrapping myself up
in layers of denial
pretending my grief
is something i can manage
pretending that i don’t feel
broken and damaged

during the nights
dulling my ache
with strangers
and whiskey
just to bring out
the carefree spirit
that i used to be

i spend my days
sleepwalking through the shower
and the getting ready after
another day
of bleary eyes
of ignoring this feeling
that i could just
break down and cry

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like a sister

i wish you could just listen
and put down your hand
instead of repeating your point
as if i didn’t understand

i get what you’re saying
i appreciate your concern
but pushiness isn’t helpful
something you need to learn

you’re dismissive of my reasoning
you always think you know better
but i know that you don’t
and all i can think is –forget her

you’re always the first one
to bail out on plans
but then feel abandoned whenever someone
doesn’t lend you a hand

i know you mean well
you have trouble showing it
it’s the way you speak to people
that just doesn’t fit

you always try to be helpful
and you’re fiercely loyal
but you can also come off
as ridiculously spoiled

but i know how you are
just like you do me
we get over and move on
it’s how we’ve learned to be

cause you and i have been through
so much together
all that’s happened since i moved here
it feels like forever
theres hardly a memory i have
that you don’t also remember

and i love you like a sister
you’re a part of me
and i know that’s the way
that it will always be

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forward

what do you have to give up
in order to reach your potential
how do you choose priorities
among the things
you find essential
to your future
or your happiness
they’re not always the same
at the time you have to choose
it can be hard to explain
what it is that you want
and more importantly, why
you’re scared to death
that life is passing you by

no one wants to wake up
ten years down the line
and wonder what the hell happened
to the dreams they once had in mind

but how do you pick yourself up
and begin to move forward
when you no longer know
what it is you’re moving toward

do you have to know
who you are
in order to pick up the pace
or does that come when you
finally finish the race

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it’s time

it’s time
to get on it
time is
a wastin’
gotta get started
on this waves
i plan on making
gotta get
my shit together
gotta get
my head in the game
because i’m
sick and tired
of more of the same

i wanna be
so much more
than i am right now
and i’m done pretending
that i just don’t
know how

because i do
and i can
and i really do
believe that
and i’m excited to find out
what i don’t even know
that i can do yet

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how do you

how do you say
you’re sorry
to someone in your past
when the years
since you’ve seen them
have gone by so fast
would they even care
years later
to hear that they were right
would you even want them to know
it took you this long
to have finally
seen the light

i would always
play the victim
the one who was wronged
i’m able to see that
now that it’s been so long

i took you for granted
i always wanted more
than whatever you were offering
i was constantly standing
with one foot outside the door

i would always say
i was tired of trying
to be someone i wasnt
but that wasnt the issue
now i think
that i was just lying

that was my cop out
my shield from the blame
i didn’t see it at the time
and that really is
such a shame

how do you reconcile your mind
with what you’ve learned
and what you’ve done wrong
when you’ve casually abandoned
somewhere you know now
that you belonged

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why not today

i’m just sitting here
thinking
why do i stay
thinking about
turning this car around
and just
running away
wont have to
do goodbyes
because really
theres nothing to say
everyone leaves
eventually,
anyway

i just feel like
taking off
see you later, bye
trying not to think
about the tears
my mother would cry
but i know
that she’d understand
wanting to live
before i die

i just cant
stop thinking
that theres more
out there for me
that i need
to go and find
the me that
i’m supposed to be

cause it’s not
gonna happen
in this town
in this place
it’s so easy
to feel trapped
surrounded
by all of this space
sometimes
i feel so lost
that my heart
begins to race
and i start to think

why do i stay
how long can i keep
this maddening
restlessness at bay
i have to start
to live for myself
sometime
so why not today
why dont i
just turn this car around
and start
making my way

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empathy

that girl in the bar
with the black and blue eye
i worry strongly for her
and you ask my why
i can just shake my head
and try not to cry

cant you see
the pain in her heart
she needs help but she
doesn’t know where to start

you blow it off
because we aren’t to blame
neither of us
even know her name
but that in itself
fills me with shame

cause this girl i dont know
may not say a thing
she sits there silently
fiddling with her ring
desperate for the distractions
these strangers may bring

i can hear her cry out
without saying a word
i know that you think
it’s a little absurd
but i feel her pain
without doing a thing
its hard to explain the guilt
that kind of empathy can bring

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regret

most days i believe
that it’s silly to regret
because life is like a time line
that hasn’t been finished yet
all you need to do is see
that each and all the times you’ve spent
with every person you have met
has shaped the person you will be
you exist in your mind
in your memories
in your thoughts
your outlook on the issues
that the human condition may wraught

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no tomorrow

what if there were no
tomorrow for you
where would you go
what would you do

would you do something crazy
like jump out of a plane
blow every dollar you have
dancing downtown in your fav mary janes

would you try to make amends
to the people you’ve wronged
listen over and over again
to all your favorite songs

would you take time to yourself
spend it alone
visiting all the places
where you feel at home

would you try out your pipes
at a karaoke spot
would you hit on that girl
you always thought was so hot

would you think of your friends
how their lives could be better
write down the things you’ve never said
and send them all letters

would you gather your family
and hold them all tight
share memories and stories
and tears through the night

what if there were no
tomorrow for you

what would you do

what would you do

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a brighter day

yellow days
have turned to grey
and it seems like
i am constantly waiting
for a brighter day

a glowing stream of light
to help me believe
that i just might
make it through these
dark days
and be alright.

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chills

chills in the air
in October
snow is falling
i fell still. quiet. trapped.
hands legs heart are restless
aching for feeling and movement
the warmth of warm bodies
and mingled limbs
and sweaty sheets

these cold nights
breed desire
to be close, then closer
hot breath and eager hands
on hard bodies
with greedy intents

silence brings echos
of sweet moans and quick gasps
and heightened need
desire

desire to be wanted
to be needed, to be loved
to be wrapped in longing
and eagerness and urge

i ache to be looked at
to be touched
to be devoured and consumed
by the needs of others
to be used
to be handled, controlled

my heart is hungry

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ogling

the way she perches
is how you can tell
perfect and still
sucked in tucked in
stretched out
and lengthened
unconsciously uncomfortable
self confidence strengthened
by knowing
that smooth edges
and long lines
draw the weary eyes
of the lonely
and longing
and the praise
of their stares
of appreciation
…or ogling

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