mad hatter

i’m all over
the place
scattered
shattered
unsure
of what matters
the slowly
unraveling
lonely
mad hatter

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lies

i know
that when you offer
to look me
in the eyes
whatever follows
will be
lies
lies
lies

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sometimes

sometimes it seems
like you’re in too much
of a hurry
sometimes it feels
like the line between us
is a little blurry

this is a new game
for me, anyway
i know the rules
but i’ve never played

sometimes it’s hard to tell
if you’re just having fun
or if you
are starting trouble
from which i should run

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you’re here

i don’t know
what the future
will hold
i don’t know
where this story
will go

all i know
is you’re here
in my heart
here in my head
there in my dreams
when i lay down
in bed

i don’t know if you
will ever love me again
i don’t know if we’ll
ever really be friends

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traces

everything evolves
nothing
stays the same
feelings may
change
but traces
remain

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breaking

it’s too beautiful
the water
the sun
the warmth that it’s making

for me to be
sitting here
faking

for my
heart
to be breaking

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i remember

i remember
when i used to feel her
in the breeze
on a warm day
and how it felt
like she knew
everything i wanted
to say

i remember
the way she moved
when she heard a song
she really liked
and the snort like
noises she would make
when we were having
a fight

i remember
the way her face
used to look
when she laughed
how she’d sound
during that
open-mouthed chuckle
she always had

i remember
her humor
the kind of jokes
that she liked
the pure delight
on her face
was always such
a lovely sight

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the other side

i wonder
how you’d feel
if our roles
were reversed
if i had done
that to you
in that way
right at first

if it had
been me
taking you
for that ride
tell me,
how would
forgiveness look
from the other side?

how easy
do you
expect this
to be?
it’s not
about you,
remember?
it’s about me

you play
the victim
like regret
is the main event
but regret
flames bright
then dies out
and is spent

i have
no blame
to eat
to settle
the score
just heartache
fear
disappointment
and more

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almost may

it’s a cold
rainy
sad little day
can’t believe
its only
a week
until May

where
is the time going?
what happened
to spring?
what about
all the things
the new year
was supposed to bring?

same old
sad, cold
rainy little
day
sitting on the porch
with that
same old feeling
of fading
away

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something about spring

there is
something about when
the earth wakes up
from its slumber
the warmth seeps
into my heart
and i begin
to remember
my love
of the little things
like how sunshine
makes me feel
how everything
seems
so tangible
so real

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addicted

it’s like
i’m addicted
to making
poor decisions
i know better
and yet
its like i get
tunnel-vision
and immediately
after
my head
fills with shame
stupid
stupid
you have
no one else
to blame

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, introspection, rambles

lessons

life’s a long line
of lessons
you start to learn
when you’re young
and just continues
as you get older
there’s always
more to come

you learn
compassion
through exhaustion
that you are not
the only one
resiliency through
the pains that
you have had
to overcome

decency
through shame
past crimes
you can’t change
hurt caused
where you were
the only one
to blame

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congratulations

its crazy to see
how much we have grown
you now preparing
for life
beyond your own

congratulations!

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heartbeat

i shift my weight
back and forth
from my heels
to my toes
my ears
start to ring
and my heartbeat
slows
i feel it pound
in my gut
i dont know
what to say
and i cant
do anything
while youre looking at me
that way

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winter woods

heavy
snow-covered trees
look like lighted
silk tent tepees

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september

alone with my thoughts amid winds in early september. among greens and trees and fall, pre-splendor.

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ferris wheel

i don’t know
from one minute
to the next
how i’m going to feel
like i’m trapped
on some never-ending
emotion filled
ferris wheel

because first
i feel so sick
i feel so foolish
i feel so bad
then the fact
that i feel like that
makes me start
to get so mad

and sometimes
in those moments
i really think
that i might hate you
for what you did
and all the lies
some of which you still
wont admit to

after the anger
is quiet
a calm tired
sadness
a thoughtful
consideration
of all the drama
all the madness

and then i crave
the comfort
you’re so great
at giving
and we connect
and i begin
to believe
i can be forgiving

and that time
we spend together
i honestly do
feel happy
i know that’s what
you’re trying
your very best
to make me

but eventually
its always there
in my head
like a slap in the face,
or a punch to the gut
you didn’t see coming
and didn’t
have time to brace

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tone

whats that
you say?
you don’t want
me to go?
well, then i guess
you’ll just have
to deal with
my tone

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wonderful tonight

will i always
be waiting
for love
to feel like a song
like the way
that i feel
when Wonderful Tonight
comes on

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karma

maybe
its karma
maybe its
reincarnation
maybe
its a lesson
that teaches
appreciation

maybe
in another life
i was cold
and deceitful
maybe i was
rich and greedy
and mean
til i was old

maybe
its the start
of a spiritual path
the making
of an old soul
the beginnings
of an empath

wouldnt it
be nice
to think hardship
happens
for a reason
that there
are lots
of chapters
that pass quickly
like the seasons

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something new

i dont want you
to think i’m standing
with just one foot
inside the door
i just dont want
to say the same
things i’ve said
to other men before

its not that
i dont think
and feel these
same things you do
i just know
that when it’s ready
it’ll come out
as something new

something that
is just for you

and i want you
to have that
something special
thats just you and me
i want
this to become
what we both
feel it could be

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not that bad

today
i saw
a cloud
funnelled down
toward the
ground
stretching
thinning
the further
it went down

theres few things
that feel
as bad
as loving something
that you can
never have

reaching
for something
that you can
never touch
you’ll never
want anything
else
quite as much

but i guess
if you think about it
its not really
that bad
to lose
something
you never
really had

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Filed under all, longing, love and stuff, pain and loss

playing with fire

i’m playing with fire
it’s a game of desire
and every day
i’m letting the stakes
get a little higher

i am conflicted
but i am addicted
and it will end badly
its not hard to predict it

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cant say no

i just cant say no
to the attention
to the affection
desire just takes over
its like an infection
i like to be held
to be coddled
to be kissed
to be told that when
i’m gone all day
that i’m missed

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waterfall

do you
ever feel
like youre
pinned
beneath a
waterfall
and you
cant even
cry out
cause you’ll
swallow
it all

when the
pouring
and the
pounding
is all
you can hear
and you
cant see
anything
no matter
how near

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cant seem

cant seem
to move on
cant seem
to let go
cant seem
to stop
cant seem
to say no

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caution and fear

whats
the difference
between
caution
and fear
how
can i tell
which
is stopping
me here

because
i want to be
less fearful
i know
that i should
but i also
want to be
smart
like i promised
my mom i would

i guess
its all
context
and what
is at stake
i suppose
that its fear
if all
i’m risking
is heartache

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you tell me

you tell me
that i am thinking
too much
worrying about what if
and what could happen
and such

but i know myself better
than you know me
there are consequences
you either cant
or wont see
and right now i cant risk
my emotional stability

because whenever i was
lonely in the past
i allowed myself
to become attached
to anyone
who showed me
romantic attention
because of how badly
i craved the affection

and they
were mistakes
i’d have been better off
not making
because after
a little while
i felt like
i was faking

and i wouldn’t
want to hurt you
by leading you on
you wont
have my heart
right now
its long gone

but my heart
is sometimes tricked
even if my head
wont say so
and i don’t want
to feel hurt
if it’s you
that lets go

so it kind of feels like
a no win situation
no matter the manor
of it’s disintegration

i’d rather keep you around
in a positive way
because i like
when you’re there
at the end of my day

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cursed

i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

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Filed under all, longing, pain and loss

still waters

its a lamb
of a spring day
the waters are still
i soak up the sun
and study the rocks
below this grassy hill

and i think
about life
i ponder its mysteries
i fell small
so i conjure
your presence from my memories

i sit there with you
and hear symphonies
in the silence
and i can feel your smile
radiating light
full of kindness

so i close
my eyes
feel the wind on my face
content not to
feel alone
in this beautiful place

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tangled web

there was passion
inside me
a lifetime ago
when happiness
followed me
wherever i’d go

there was mystery
and intrigue
in my not-so-subtle gaze
a promise
hidden
in my not-so-nice-girl ways

carefree and audacious
used to describe me
engaging and fun
is what i aimed to be

i had stars
in my eyes
my heart
on my sleeve
i was proud
of the tangled web
i had weaved

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loneliness
is in the air
i can feel it
everywhere
come and lay
your heart by mine
maybe they’ll
grow full with time

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nightmare fairytale

its like
a nightmare
fairytale
especially if it
turned out
to be male

a version
of what
is in my dreams
but backward
and twisted
ripped at the seams

a product
of a love
once perfect
turned bad
forever
a reminder
of what
i don’t have

a cruel joke
to be played
on my heart,
so weak
do you
believe in god?
because i don’t
this week

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what you have

why do you need
to believe
that i want
what you have
don’t you see
how easily
that makes
you look sad

everyone
gets intimidated
and feels
insecure
i understand
where it is
you’re coming from,
sure

but that doesnt
give you the right
to act like a bitch
tone it down
pull it back
turn the off switch

i’m sick of being
your excuse
to have drama
in your life
so believe me
when i say
i’m not jealous
that youre his wife

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bits and pieces

from the margins of notebooks has a whole new category! it’s called bits and pieces. lately, i’ve been reading through my notebooks, and i noticed how many half written poems there were, not to mention the little phrases and snippets of would-be poems scattered in between the pages. some are poems without endings, some are little phrases that come out of my head, others are poems who’s rhyme scheme just never showed up, or who’s meter just wouldn’t steady. i decided that i want to share these on the site as well. while there are still things in my notebooks that i do not share online, this allows me to keep most of my writing together, and provides an outlet for some of the writing that will never become anything more than it is now, yet shouldn’t be discarded.

bits and pieces has the following three sub categories:

pieces. parts. here you will find the little snippets, partial stanzas, and little rhymes that come out of my head unconnected with a particular piece of work.

rambles. this is some of my poetry that didn’t always lend itself to rhyme or meter. they are pretty much a mess of jagged thoughts.

unfinished. here you will find the would be poems that i just simply was never able to finish.

i’ve been posting things to these categories for the last week, so there is a bunch there for you to check out. i hope you enjoy them.

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afraid to lose

why am i
so afraid to choose
is it just because i
am so afraid to lose

i’m not even sure
what i’m holding on for
i guess i’m just scared
that less is never more

that to have is better
than to be without
that loneliness is never
easier than doubt

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high hopes and high pedastals

we came together so naturally
and fell apart so fast
kind of funny considering
we were so sure this would last
we had high hopes and high pedestals
we placed each other on
and before we knew what happened
those pedestals were gone

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lonely

being lonely
is like a hunger
that wont go away
it only
grows stronger
with each passing day

it aches
to be soothed
by the one that you miss
it makes
you yearn
for just one more kiss

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cant be

this can’t be it
this can’t be goodbye
this can’t be you
laughing at me
while i cry

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guilt trip

i’m not trying
to guilt trip you
to make you feel bad
i’m just trying
to be honest
that this makes me sad

i want you
to sympathize
because you feel that way too
instead of re justifying
the reasons
like you often do

i understand
why it has to be
the way it will be
i accept that
but it doesn’t mean
that it wont
affect me

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waiting for something

i get home
put my bags down
take a look around
and feel overwhelmed

think i’ll lay down
i’m always tired now
i’ll pretend it’ll be ok
just don’t ask me how

i always say that i’m doing alright
but when did this routine become my life

i’m waiting for something
to make me feel alive
something that inspires me to
do something with my life

i need the motivation
and the courage it would bring
i can’t get there on my own
so i’m waiting on something

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self loathing

i’m not sure
you would stay
if i admitted
to these lies
and i just dont think
i could handle
watching you
pack up your eyes
and take shelter
somewhere
far from my side
so instead i live with
this self loathing
i’ve been trying
to hide

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not yet

i always feel
like something
is holding me back
keeping me from being
where it is
i need to get
like an echoing
in my head
not yet, not yet
not yet

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Filed under bits and pieces, rambles

more to say

it’s really too bad
that it’s over this way
when we both have
so much more to say
but none of it
would do any good,
anyway

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strangers

every stranger
has a story
a mystery
worth exploring

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