should’ve never

i should have just
kept saying no
should’ve never
let you into my home

you knew i was weak
you knew i was sad
i tried to tell you
it was going to end bad

i guess that’s the point
you just didn’t care
to you, when using people
everything was fair

you might have thought
you were helping me
to move on
but i regret not being
strong enough not to do
what i knew was wrong


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i’m yours and you’re mine

if the words are there
they just wont come out
so i just kind of
give you a pout
and your smile calms me
puts me at ease
and you just say,
“tell me baby, please”
so i just put it
as simply as i can
whatever the worry
you always take my hand
tell me that everything
is going to be fine
as long as i’m yours
and as long as you’re mine

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people who don’t know you well
say you seem like such
a loving husband, devoted father
the kind of guy who stops to chat
and flash a nice smile
when most wouldn’t bother

but they don’t know you
like i know you
they haven’t seen
the things i’ve seen
your wife may not admit it
but she knows what i mean

the problem with you
is you believe
your own lies
tell them over and over
then play dumb, deny
feign surprise

so don’t think
that i don’t know
what you took from me
even after all
of our generosity

but that’s ok
cause one day
karma is gonna
crash your party
one day, sweetie
are really
gonna be sorry

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tiny pieces

there was a time when i
could have had anyone
i might have wanted
and sometimes i would
just to prove my confidence
was warranted

some had girlfriends
some were “out of my league”
the athletes
the thinkers
the geeks
the bad seeds

the suits
the stoners
the partiers
the poets
men that have tiny pieces
of my soul but don’t know it

some that i wish
that i could take back
others that my heart
has longed to have back

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Filed under all, love and stuff, lust and passion

inked pages

will the sum of my memories
ever hold more meaning
than this
emotions and thoughts
filling these inked pages
in long skinny lists

will my experiences
my feelings, my words
be lost, forgotten like
the millions of others’
we’ve lost in the world

one day i’ll be forgotten
when my loved ones
are generations of the past
or maybe i’ll exist
as long as these
inked pages last

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when 30 was old

i still remember
when thirty was old
and my twenties
were calling
with adventures unknown

when your friends
were your life
and time
felt endless
when heartache
was consuming
and love
was breathless

when life
felt fresh
and everything
was brand new
and there
were always
so many exciting
things to do

first job
first car
first place
all your own
the first time
you reflect
on how much
you have grown

the first time
you realize
how often your parents
were right
during so many of those
long forgotten
adolescent fights

back when i didn’t realize
i’d be so surprised
when each year came
that deep inside
i would still feel
very much the same

that at thirty
i wouldn’t really
feel like i was old
just a girl
that has so many
more stories
to unfold

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everyone is flawed
in their own
little ways
everyone has
their good and
their bad days

we would argue for hours
over who had got more
who’s fault it was
who had the best score
we would go back and forth
when we couldn’t be heard
and try out every
new swear word
or insult
we’d learned

you were always so
in everything
that you would do
but i don’t need
to perfect your image
in my memory
to miss you

good or bad times
i miss them all
no matter how big
no matter how small

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Filed under all, my sister, undone

hey love

hey love
remember me?

i did everything wrong
and just hoped for the best
and man, did my pride
fail all of your tests

hey love
remember when?

back before then when we
were so fearless in our love
when we viewed it as though
the stars had aligned above

when our passions like our tempers
would burn and then simmer
until they bubbled and erupted
swept us up like a river

hey love
remember me?

the girl who you had said
loved you so much more
than any other girl
had ever loved you before

the girl who wrote you a poem
and then watched you cry
and when i asked you what was wrong
you simply replied

“i’m just so happy, that’s all.
that’s why”

fiery or emotional
it was always
the same
tears of joy
or frustration
full of passion
either way

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we stared at the moon 
so big
full of wonder
and surprise
while the stars
shined thousands
of dancing lights
at our eyes

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history (not wasting time)

i look for comfort
in a lot of the wrong places
i spend all my time
reading people’s faces

looking for meaning
in the lives that exist around me
giving my heart
to all those who surround me

History is just the study
of people over time
our culture a reflection
of the collective human mind

maybe i’m searching for something
that i cant define
but something is telling me
i’m not wasting my time

progress is impossible
if no one ever really tries
too busy being surprised
by how fast time flies

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would i go back

if i could
how would i change it
it’s hard to decide
we were a fast and furious
roller coaster ride
we loved and fought
as if for years
in just that six month time

would i go back to january
that trip that we took
that ended up being
the last straw that it took
when we spent over a day in the airport
sleeping on benches
waiting to leave
silent and sad
or me begging on my knees

would i go back to december
the night of that
really big fight
erase the liquor, tears and bruises
so the weeks that followed
would have been alright

would i go back
to the night
you cheated on me
begged you
from two hours away
not to go
not to leave

would i go back to October
the night you’ll never forgive me for
when i was way too drunk to notice
that you were annoyed and at the bar
downing shots of jager
and heading for your car

would i go back to August
and tell you to take some time
to settle into your new life
before merging it with mine

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it just happened one day
she finished her coffee
put her mug in the sink
didn’t even stop
for a minute to think
she went to the bedroom
packed just one bag
then walked out the front door
without looking back

left him to deal
with all of her things
and the pain and heartache
that abandonment brings

after she left
she didn’t even cry
this time (oh this time)
her eyes were dry

it wasn’t
the first time
she had driven away
only this time her things
weren’t thrown on the lawn
or flung in her face

after everything
said and done
he really shouldn’t
have been surprised

the only word
she left
was goodbye

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last night

last night
making love to you
i cried
a release
of the emotions
held captive
by my pride

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, love and stuff, pieces. parts.

high school fantasy

i think maybe at first
you saw me as a prize
and you were trying on
your high school fantasy
for size

and it fit, for a while
like a dream
you would beam
but the threads were quickly
unraveling at the seams
and before long
there were tears as wide
as the knees
of my old jeans

and my heart, like those jeans
ripped little by little
until the night of that fight
when they both
tore down the middle

i knew then it was over
i just couldn’t admit it
like great shoes
you keep around
even if they don’t fit

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mad hatter

i’m all over
the place
of what matters
the slowly
mad hatter

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Filed under bits and pieces, rambles


i know
that when you offer
to look me
in the eyes
whatever follows
will be

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sometimes it seems
like you’re in too much
of a hurry
sometimes it feels
like the line between us
is a little blurry

this is a new game
for me, anyway
i know the rules
but i’ve never played

sometimes it’s hard to tell
if you’re just having fun
or if you
are starting trouble
from which i should run

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Filed under bits and pieces, undone

you’re here

i don’t know
what the future
will hold
i don’t know
where this story
will go

all i know
is you’re here
in my heart
here in my head
there in my dreams
when i lay down
in bed

i don’t know if you
will ever love me again
i don’t know if we’ll
ever really be friends

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everything evolves
stays the same
feelings may
but traces

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it’s too beautiful
the water
the sun
the warmth that it’s making

for me to be
sitting here

for my
to be breaking

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Filed under bits and pieces, pieces. parts.

i remember

i remember
when i used to feel her
in the breeze
on a warm day
and how it felt
like she knew
everything i wanted
to say

i remember
the way she moved
when she heard a song
she really liked
and the snort like
noises she would make
when we were having
a fight

i remember
the way her face
used to look
when she laughed
how she’d sound
during that
open-mouthed chuckle
she always had

i remember
her humor
the kind of jokes
that she liked
the pure delight
on her face
was always such
a lovely sight

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Filed under all, family, my sister, pain and loss

the other side

i wonder
how you’d feel
if our roles
were reversed
if i had done
that to you
in that way
right at first

if it had
been me
taking you
for that ride
tell me,
how would
forgiveness look
from the other side?

how easy
do you
expect this
to be?
it’s not
about you,
it’s about me

you play
the victim
like regret
is the main event
but regret
flames bright
then dies out
and is spent

i have
no blame
to eat
to settle
the score
just heartache
and more

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, love and stuff, pain and loss, rambles

almost may

it’s a cold
sad little day
can’t believe
its only
a week
until May

is the time going?
what happened
to spring?
what about
all the things
the new year
was supposed to bring?

same old
sad, cold
rainy little
sitting on the porch
with that
same old feeling
of fading

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something about spring

there is
something about when
the earth wakes up
from its slumber
the warmth seeps
into my heart
and i begin
to remember
my love
of the little things
like how sunshine
makes me feel
how everything
so tangible
so real

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it’s like
i’m addicted
to making
poor decisions
i know better
and yet
its like i get
and immediately
my head
fills with shame
you have
no one else
to blame

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, introspection, rambles


life’s a long line
of lessons
you start to learn
when you’re young
and just continues
as you get older
there’s always
more to come

you learn
through exhaustion
that you are not
the only one
resiliency through
the pains that
you have had
to overcome

through shame
past crimes
you can’t change
hurt caused
where you were
the only one
to blame

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its crazy to see
how much we have grown
you now preparing
for life
beyond your own


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i shift my weight
back and forth
from my heels
to my toes
my ears
start to ring
and my heartbeat
i feel it pound
in my gut
i dont know
what to say
and i cant
do anything
while youre looking at me
that way

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, love and stuff, undone

winter woods

snow-covered trees
look like lighted
silk tent tepees

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alone with my thoughts amid winds in early september. among greens and trees and fall, pre-splendor.

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, pieces. parts.

ferris wheel

i don’t know
from one minute
to the next
how i’m going to feel
like i’m trapped
on some never-ending
emotion filled
ferris wheel

because first
i feel so sick
i feel so foolish
i feel so bad
then the fact
that i feel like that
makes me start
to get so mad

and sometimes
in those moments
i really think
that i might hate you
for what you did
and all the lies
some of which you still
wont admit to

after the anger
is quiet
a calm tired
a thoughtful
of all the drama
all the madness

and then i crave
the comfort
you’re so great
at giving
and we connect
and i begin
to believe
i can be forgiving

and that time
we spend together
i honestly do
feel happy
i know that’s what
you’re trying
your very best
to make me

but eventually
its always there
in my head
like a slap in the face,
or a punch to the gut
you didn’t see coming
and didn’t
have time to brace

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whats that
you say?
you don’t want
me to go?
well, then i guess
you’ll just have
to deal with
my tone

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Filed under bits and pieces, pieces. parts.

wonderful tonight

will i always
be waiting
for love
to feel like a song
like the way
that i feel
when Wonderful Tonight
comes on

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its karma
maybe its
its a lesson
that teaches

in another life
i was cold
and deceitful
maybe i was
rich and greedy
and mean
til i was old

its the start
of a spiritual path
the making
of an old soul
the beginnings
of an empath

wouldnt it
be nice
to think hardship
for a reason
that there
are lots
of chapters
that pass quickly
like the seasons

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something new

i dont want you
to think i’m standing
with just one foot
inside the door
i just dont want
to say the same
things i’ve said
to other men before

its not that
i dont think
and feel these
same things you do
i just know
that when it’s ready
it’ll come out
as something new

something that
is just for you

and i want you
to have that
something special
thats just you and me
i want
this to become
what we both
feel it could be

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not that bad

i saw
a cloud
funnelled down
toward the
the further
it went down

theres few things
that feel
as bad
as loving something
that you can
never have

for something
that you can
never touch
you’ll never
want anything
quite as much

but i guess
if you think about it
its not really
that bad
to lose
you never
really had

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Filed under all, longing, love and stuff, pain and loss

playing with fire

i’m playing with fire
it’s a game of desire
and every day
i’m letting the stakes
get a little higher

i am conflicted
but i am addicted
and it will end badly
its not hard to predict it

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, rambles

cant say no

i just cant say no
to the attention
to the affection
desire just takes over
its like an infection
i like to be held
to be coddled
to be kissed
to be told that when
i’m gone all day
that i’m missed

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do you
ever feel
like youre
beneath a
and you
cant even
cry out
cause you’ll
it all

when the
and the
is all
you can hear
and you
cant see
no matter
how near

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, rambles

cant seem

cant seem
to move on
cant seem
to let go
cant seem
to stop
cant seem
to say no

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Filed under bits and pieces, pieces. parts.

caution and fear

the difference
and fear
can i tell
is stopping
me here

i want to be
less fearful
i know
that i should
but i also
want to be
like i promised
my mom i would

i guess
its all
and what
is at stake
i suppose
that its fear
if all
i’m risking
is heartache

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you tell me

you tell me
that i am thinking
too much
worrying about what if
and what could happen
and such

but i know myself better
than you know me
there are consequences
you either cant
or wont see
and right now i cant risk
my emotional stability

because whenever i was
lonely in the past
i allowed myself
to become attached
to anyone
who showed me
romantic attention
because of how badly
i craved the affection

and they
were mistakes
i’d have been better off
not making
because after
a little while
i felt like
i was faking

and i wouldn’t
want to hurt you
by leading you on
you wont
have my heart
right now
its long gone

but my heart
is sometimes tricked
even if my head
wont say so
and i don’t want
to feel hurt
if it’s you
that lets go

so it kind of feels like
a no win situation
no matter the manor
of it’s disintegration

i’d rather keep you around
in a positive way
because i like
when you’re there
at the end of my day

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i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

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Filed under all, longing, pain and loss

still waters

its a lamb
of a spring day
the waters are still
i soak up the sun
and study the rocks
below this grassy hill

and i think
about life
i ponder its mysteries
i fell small
so i conjure
your presence from my memories

i sit there with you
and hear symphonies
in the silence
and i can feel your smile
radiating light
full of kindness

so i close
my eyes
feel the wind on my face
content not to
feel alone
in this beautiful place

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tangled web

there was passion
inside me
a lifetime ago
when happiness
followed me
wherever i’d go

there was mystery
and intrigue
in my not-so-subtle gaze
a promise
in my not-so-nice-girl ways

carefree and audacious
used to describe me
engaging and fun
is what i aimed to be

i had stars
in my eyes
my heart
on my sleeve
i was proud
of the tangled web
i had weaved

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Filed under all, bits and pieces, undone