The Best For You Both

Sometimes I wish you knew
The things I would tell him, regarding you
But I know that isn’t my place to do

I definitely made a joke or two
About your age, at your expense
But I never scorned you when it mattered
Even though I always knew your intent

Maybe it makes you feel good
To think I want what you have
Maybe it helps keep you feeling
Lucky to have gotten it back

But I am not envious
I’m not pining for what’s gone
It isn’t what I lost that hurts
It’s the damage its done

But that’s why I write
It’s how I get it all out
But just because I post a thought
That doesn’t mean it’s all I’m thinking about

I’ve got a brain like a bullet train
I wouldn’t expect you to know
You’re a stranger at the railway station
I wouldn’t recognize as foe
You can think what you want of me
From what he wanted you to know
But the truth is (most of the time)
I wish the best for you both

Days & Nights

Some nights
I shackle my heart to the past
Let it all keep replaying

Some days
I move forward so fast
I can almost see the future
Reshaping

Goodbyes

All I really asked for was honesty
For you to be upfront with me
It was something you said
You understood I would need
We used to talk about it constantly
You told me so many times
How you never lie
How you could never cheat
How you didn’t want to be with her
Regardless of being with me

Guess the joke all along was on me

I knew you could be cold
When you want to be
You can shut off a switch
Convince yourself so easily
Of whatever it is
You need to believe

You said I had trouble seeing past myself
That commment was true
Whether you realize it or not
You have that problem too
You don’t always take the time
To really see other points of view

You asked me once
If I would hate you for this
Back when it had just began
I told you it would really suck for me
I’d be sad, but I’d understand

And I would have.

I know it’s all the same to you
It’s not like we could have stayed friends
But did you really have to handle it that way
Is this really how you needed it to end?

You had all the power here
You just stopped speaking to me
Guess I should have listened
To the bad feeling I’d had recently

If you had just done what you promised
Been open and honest with me
It could have been so different
It didn’t need to hurt so badly

One conversation would have made the difference
Just to me, I know, not you
Now it seems you had… other things to do

So I can only assume you wanted
Me to hurt in the worst possible way
To mourn you like the dead
Who just disappear one day

Without a single word to say

I guess I never meant that much to you
For you to want to be that cruel
If you were scared you should know that didn’t come from me
It comes from inside you
I didn’t even know about her
Cry was all I figured I’d do
If I had shown up I probably
Would have laughed a little too
At myself just as much
As at the two of you

Because I’m your joke now, right
The forgotten tryst
The crazy blight
The one you just ignore outright
Does it give you those bad dreams at night?

I’m sure it will be blissful
For a while, it always is
The sex should be much better
But that’s an easy goal to hit
The comfort, the safety
Mixed with the freshness of starting new
Will feel really amazing for a while too
Who knows maybe she’s the one
And she’ll grow old with you

I don’t wish you any ill will
Because that’s not the heart I have
You never could fully understand
My perspective on all that

But don’t take all my goodbyes
In all these rhyming lines
To mean I haven’t moved on
Just one single feeling
Can inspire a hundred songs

forgiveness

forgiveness is tricky
in it’s own special ways
so much harder to do
than to say

you can think that you’re past it
you can think you’ve moved on

you can even think
going through it made you strong

but nothing
is ever
really
gone

still with me, for now

i’m finally in that place
where i’m looking ahead
instead of agonizing over
what i would have done instead

i’ve been filling my time
with people and places
catching up with many
old familiar faces

reminding myself
of what i like about who i am
and even remembering
to be better in the ways i can

but it’s still you
in the future i see
because that is still
what feels right to me

sometimes i talk to you
as if you were right there
and i’ll start to feel
that familiar, comforting air

i keep you in my thoughts
every single day
so that you are still
with me, in a way

it makes it hard for me to decide
what i want for myself
ideas stacked like the paperbacks
lining the top bookshelf

but i’m moving on like i should
with a life that’s my own
and in some ways, already
i can see that i’ve grown

there’s still a long road ahead
believe me, i know
but at least, for now
you’re still with me
wherever i go