Thunder

What is it I wonder
That makes me let them penetrate me
Like thunder
Thunder pushes into the core of you
Without you ever asking it to
But its there and gone
And you begin to crave it again
Fascinated with the feeling
of it rushing back out of your skin

When you crave thunder
You’re bored with a blue sky
Aching for rain
Irritated by the sunshine

Cobwebs, Leaves and TV Screens

I sweep warning signs idly away
Like cobwebs from a doorway
Forgetting about the spiders
Who put them there in the first place

I hold onto love too long
Like a tree in an autumn breeze
Stubbornly refusing to cast off deadening leaves
Afraid of what losing those colors might mean

But worst of all
I remember like a TV screen
Everywhere I go
I see ghosts acting out the memories

After You

I miss the feeling of warm hands on my skin
The look of greedy eyes taking it all in
Comfortably vulnerable
Blissfully trusting
Not sure I’ll let myself feel that way again

Oh, there will be hands
And lips, I’m sure
Relief from aches when I’m lonely or bored, but
I want to tingle at the touch of a finger
Connect in a way that makes the euphoria linger
When it’s scary as fuck but you don’t care one bit
When you’re fantasizing all day long about it

I can’t imagine it for long
Without getting that feeling in my chest
A heavy suction like a vacuum tube
To an oxygen-less abyss
My stomach feels sick
My hands start to shake
Never knew panic attacks
Could be brought on by heartache
But suddenly I can’t breathe
I can’t think, I can’t speak
I get overwhelmed and dizzy
My legs go numb underneath me

Heart pounding, blood rushing
Radiating heat, on fire
I lay down against the cold floor
Start tracing each tile
Keep reassuring myself
This this will stop happening after a while

But I dont really know if that’s true
Not sure that I can ever fully trust myself
After you

Pretty Girl

Pretty Girl pretty face
Pretty Girl nice body
Pretty Girl so beautiful
Pretty Girl kind of a hottie
Pretty Girl appreciates the compliments
Pretty Girl hates them a little too
Pretty Girl doesn’t feel any prettier than you

Pretty Girl’s pretty smile is a mask
Pretty Girl engages you with her pretty blue eyes
Pretty Girl uses your reaction to fill up the emptiness she’s carrying inside

Pretty Girl’s always surrounded with people
Pretty Girl must feel so adored
Pretty Girl wants to believe what they tell her, but
Pretty Girl has heard it before

Pretty Girl must have it “so easy”
Pretty Girl dying inside
Pretty Girl falls in love too easily
Pretty Girl always surprised

Pretty Girl tells the man No
Pretty Girl knows he will try again anyway

Pretty Girl walks to her car with her keys between the fingers of her fist
Pretty Girl relieved she’s wearing her work shirt so no one can claim she was asking for it

Pretty Girl always polite
Pretty Girl wishes you knew politeness isn’t permission
Isn’t to be seen as an open ivitiation

Pretty Girl has trouble saying No
Pretty Girl wants you to like her
Pretty Girl can never fully let go
Pretty Girl’s memory is an anchor

Chasing Fantasies

I’m always chasing down the fantasy
Instead of letting it breathe
Smothering it with this insatiable need
As if I can’t wait to prove
It’s never as good in reality

I can never hold out
I can’t seem to say no
Too curious to see
Where the story will go

Can’t not send the text
Can’t not return the kiss
Can’t not do
What I think he expects

It always ends with disappointment
That carves a hollow ache
The plight of a heart that always gives
When there’s nothing to take

Who just wants to feel heard
Who just wants to feel seen
Who wants you to do what you say you’ll do
Who wants you to say what you mean

Nostalgic Fantasy

Is this all I am
Is this all I’ve ever been
A nostalgic game of fantasy
To every man who has ever known me

You always ask me what Im wearing
You want me to make it sound cute
You’re thinking knee socks and spandex
Clinging to my legs
Tank top tight against these ample breasts
You want me to paint myself into
A portrait for you
Like I am just a fantasy
Here waiting for you

Well this
Is what you see
When I put down the paintbrush
And pick up a pen
This is the image of a woman
Waiting around to play fantasy for men

This is the dry mouth
That comes after all of those held breaths
This is the sound of gagging
On the resentment of expectations not met
This is the stench
Of a mountain of regret
That oozes out like pheromones
At the hint of a familiar scent

But you want that flirtatious adrenaline rush
That conversation only if you’re bored
That sexy picture when you’re stressed
That slow playful texting
About what kind of sex we like
On your oh-so-seldom lonely night

I never thought
You’d inspire me to feel this way
This, another lesson
That rose colored glasses
Grow back with time away

But you spent so many years
Agreeing to be only what I needed
Regardless of how you may have been feeling
So now I wonder if I don’t owe it to you
To play the part of your Manic Pixie Dream Girl
For a few

But I feel something die a little
With every word I say
Because fantasies flame hot
Then die out a little every day
And anything real
Burns to ashes that way

Wells

I seek out wells to drown myself in
Dressed up in nice eyes and warm skin
A shadowy place to hide
Like a broken welcome sign
Atop an abandoned mine
That just echoes back the denial
that bounces around in my mind
Until I believe the me I’m pretending to be
Until I can only see what my depression needs me to believe
Until I wake up one day
And don’t recognize me
Trapped inside a cage of my own making
knees shaking, heart aching
With the realization
That I’ve been hiding my life away
Performing the same one act play
Reminding myself it’s what I wanted
To escape; to dissolve;
To fall like crumpled paper from pockets
So no one would see me flailing
So no one would see me failing

Girl I Used To Be

There’s this girl
in my memory
Audacious and free
She isn’t interested in being
who anyone thinks she should be

She’s funny and sweet
Friendly and bright
She enters rooms and it’s like
she attracts all the light

She’s a gemini baby
Hey you know, so am I
An interesting blend
of a duel sided mind

Reflective and thoughtful
Empathetic and smart
Coupled with the outgoing
super talkative part

She would go out at midnight
alone, just to dance
She never needed
to go seeking out romance
She’d park herself on the dance floor
with a drink in her hand
Moving and singing along
with the DJ or the band

She spent so many hours
listening to people, giving advice
Practical but kind
Optimistic, but wise

Sometimes I wonder
What happened to me
What happened to that girl
in my memory
I wonder if she
would even recognize me
That girl I used to be

Open Me Up

Sitting in the front seat
Watching the moon rise
Its climbing up through the tree tops
Straight ahead in my eye line
Slowly, steadily, exposing the star lights
I’m watching as the moon shine
creates shadows against the night sky

The beauty of the moment feels heady
But my heart feels hard and unsteady

Moonlight give me peace
Open me up to release
Moonlight keep me still
Show me how to let go of this guilt

All I can see is time
like the moon, flying by
And all I feel is paralyzed
Shadows have imprisoned me
here in my memory
I’ve shackled myself to the past
and it all keeps replaying
And so I’m saying

Moonlight heal my shame
Show me how to let go of my pain
Moonlight give me peace
Open me up to release

hey Lonnie

Hey Lonnie,
do you remember the time
back before you and I
had even turned nine

I wanted one of your stickers
so I bargained with you
you asked for a kiss on the lips
which you didn’t think I’d do

I gave you a good peck on the mouth
in an awkward, childish way
Picked up my new sticker and walked away
but you followed me
around school the next day
you and our friend TJ
chanting over and over
“Lonnie loves A.D.”

but I was embarrassed
and I didn’t know what to do
not sure if I should let you know
that I liked you

and just the next week
your family up and left
and I never did see you again

I was sad and regretful
even at that age
I wrote our initials in a heart
on every single page
I would fantasize about you
moving back to town
holding hands, telling our friends
that we were ‘going out’

but at that age
it was hard to keep track
and you never did
end up coming back

when I was alone I would
think about you incessantly
but even that young
I knew things could change suddenly

so you were my daydream
my bitter-sweet memory

A loss that shaped the way
I’ve dealt with heartbreak
to this day

the dreamers

i’m always drawn to the dreamers
to the under achievers
the lost souls
the ones with layers
that i can never get
to unfold

i believe

i believe
in kindness
and grace
that everyone
looks better
with a smile
on their face

i crave words
debates, ideas
i believe nothing
is more liberating
than the way
tolerance feels

that organized
oppression
is something
we should fear

people aren’t property
fairness isn’t a commodity
you think i’m naive, probably
but that’s what i believe
and i’ll defend it
as long as i
can breathe

i hope for progress
happiness, liberty
that we learn
from the mistakes
we’ve made
throughout our history

you can’t have dignity
without decency
trust without sincerity
yeah i believe

that there’s a problem
when men become powerful
backed by the plentiful
amount of people
who aren’t clever enough
to know better
than to believe only that
which they’ve heard

when politicians
pander to the ignorant
so the truth
becomes intelligibly hazy
when campaigns depend
on the intellectually lazy

i believe in humanity
in equality
that our leaders
shouldn’t be trying
to legislate
their own morality
you can call me a liberal
definitely
and i’ll defend it
as long as i can breathe

as for me, i bring
an open heart
and an open mind
with an open hand
for those
who need a lift
from time to time

a curious spirit
a compassionate word
an encouragement
that you and your voice
should be heard

should’ve never

i should have just
kept saying no
should’ve never
let you into my home

you knew i was weak
you knew i was sad
i tried to tell you
it was going to end bad

i guess that’s the point
you just didn’t care
to you, when using people
everything was fair

you might have thought
you were helping me
to move on
but i regret not being
strong enough not to do
what i knew was wrong

when 30 was old

i still remember
when thirty was old
and my twenties
were calling
with adventures unknown

when your friends
were your life
and time
felt endless
when heartache
was consuming
and love
was breathless

when life
felt fresh
and everything
was brand new
and there
were always
so many exciting
things to do

first job
first car
first place
all your own
the first time
you reflect
on how much
you have grown

the first time
you realize
how often your parents
were right
during so many of those
long forgotten
adolescent fights

back when i didn’t realize
i’d be so surprised
when each year came
that deep inside
i would still feel
very much the same

that at thirty
i wouldn’t really
feel like i was old
just a girl
that has so many
more stories
to unfold

history (not wasting time)

i look for comfort
in a lot of the wrong places
i spend all my time
reading people’s faces

looking for meaning
in the lives that exist around me
giving my heart
to all those who surround me

History is just the study
of people over time
our culture a reflection
of the collective human mind

maybe i’m searching for something
that i cant define
but something is telling me
i’m not wasting my time

progress is impossible
if no one ever really tries
too busy being surprised
by how fast time flies

addicted

it’s like
i’m addicted
to making
poor decisions
i know better
and yet
its like i get
tunnel-vision
and immediately
after
my head
fills with shame
stupid
stupid
you have
no one else
to blame

you tell me

you tell me
that i am thinking
too much
worrying about what if
and what could happen
and such

but i know myself better
than you know me
there are consequences
you either cant
or wont see
and right now i cant risk
my emotional stability

because whenever i was
lonely in the past
i allowed myself
to become attached
to anyone
who showed me
romantic attention
because of how badly
i craved the affection

and they
were mistakes
i’d have been better off
not making
because after
a little while
i felt like
i was faking

and i wouldn’t
want to hurt you
by leading you on
you wont
have my heart
right now
its long gone

but my heart
is sometimes tricked
even if my head
wont say so
and i don’t want
to feel hurt
if it’s you
that lets go

so it kind of feels like
a no win situation
no matter the manor
of it’s disintegration

i’d rather keep you around
in a positive way
because i like
when you’re there
at the end of my day

spring

i love
the sun
the warmth
the glow,
like everything
is fine
cause mother nature
says so

whenever i think
i’m not sure how
i’ll get by,
i just stop
and turn my face
to the sky

i love
to feel
the earth
under my toes.
i love
to feel
a warm breeze
through my clothes

to see
the world
with a bright
yellow glaze,
oh, how
my heart
grows full
on these days

still with me, for now

i’m finally in that place
where i’m looking ahead
instead of agonizing over
what i would have done instead

i’ve been filling my time
with people and places
catching up with many
old familiar faces

reminding myself
of what i like about who i am
and even remembering
to be better in the ways i can

but it’s still you
in the future i see
because that is still
what feels right to me

sometimes i talk to you
as if you were right there
and i’ll start to feel
that familiar, comforting air

i keep you in my thoughts
every single day
so that you are still
with me, in a way

it makes it hard for me to decide
what i want for myself
ideas stacked like the paperbacks
lining the top bookshelf

but i’m moving on like i should
with a life that’s my own
and in some ways, already
i can see that i’ve grown

there’s still a long road ahead
believe me, i know
but at least, for now
you’re still with me
wherever i go

starting over

i can’t quite seem to finish this one… it just doesn’t feel done. i’m going to post it anyway, but check back because i might just update this when i can get the rest of it out of me. ~mana

last year i concentrated
on enjoying what i had
so that i would never again
have to feel too sad

spending time with my parents
having fun with friends
spending all day outdoors
allowing myself to mend

because i learned how hard it is
to lose someone you love
how it affects you in ways
you would have never thought of

you were the first person
that i allowed into my heart
and you had free reign of it
right from the very start

so when things started to go wrong
i became more and more afraid
and i allowed it to effect my actions
and the decisions that i made

somewhere along the way
i guess i stopped listening to you
and i wasn’t able to read you
like i used to be able to do

i wish that at the time
i had been able to see
that i was slowly burying
the things you loved about me

my fear made me into someone
who was constantly insecure
who didn’t trust herself
and pushed you away, i’m sure

the pain of loss is overwhelming
when the people you love die
but somehow, it is even harder
when someone you love chooses
to say goodbye

so right now i am concentrating
on enjoying what i have
so i wont be consumed
with feeling so damn sad

i’m trying to be the kind of person
that i would want there for me
i’m remembering to trust and love myself
to fight off the insecurity

i’ve realized that i don’t need
to find the girl i was before
parts of her remain with me
but i am, and will be so much more

but you remain the man
that i carry inside my heart
and i will always consider you
to be my new beginning’s start

I want to.

I want to be
passion on fire,
the magic in the room.
shameless,
fearless,
easily amused.

I want to be
the voice
of reason with my friends.
always the one
with an empathetic ear
to lend

I want to be
the glue
that holds everyone together,
so that they will
think something like,
“we really need her”.

I want to be
headstrong
and give everything a shot.
always steady,
strong and sure
but always willing
if I’m not

I want to
live.
without expectations,
without
worthless regrets.
no matter
how tragic
life, at times
can get.

I want to
take time.
to explore,
travel this great land.
and maybe,
along the way,
find out
who I am.

sleepwalking

not sure what woke me
but its 4 am again
slide out of my jeans
on the way to my bed
crawl in and try
to quiet my head

sleepwalk my way
through the shower
and the getting ready
after
another day
of bleary eyes
of making it seem
as though i really try

friday morning
five oclock
no idea how long
i’ve been staring
at the dashboard clock
stomach is sour
lips reek of whiskey
fall to my knees
digging around
for my keys

sleepwalk through the shower
and the getting ready after
one more day
of bleary eyes
of making it seem
like i really try

but i’m just a liar
wrapping myself up
in layers of denial
pretending my grief
is something i can manage
pretending that i don’t feel
broken and damaged

during the nights
dulling my ache
with strangers
and whiskey
just to bring out
the carefree spirit
that i used to be

i spend my days
sleepwalking through the shower
and the getting ready after
another day
of bleary eyes
of ignoring this feeling
that i could just
break down and cry

meant for more

when i was a little girl
i would lay awake and dream
about all of the things
that i wanted to be

sometimes it occurs to me
that i was meant for more
than this life i’ve been leading
like i need a new door
a closed one, preferably
one that challenges me
so i can prove to myself
that i dont need everything
to be easy

i want someone to push me
who wants to teach me new things
for no other reason
than the pride helping someone brings
but i’m not naive
about people’s intentions
i was very young
when i first learned those lessons

so i’ll settle for anything
with a moderate price
everyone wants something in return
thats just life

but i am determined
to be more than i am now
and i think its ok
if i dont really know how
i’ll figure it out as i go
i just have to get moving
i’ve got theories that i
have got to start proving

flawed

i am not the pretty girl
with smooth hair
or a perfect tan
nor am i the smart girl
responsible and sure
following her plan

i guess i’m not trying
as hard as you think i could
to get from the things i do
to the things that i should

sometimes i’m short sighted
and don’t think things through
and i end up hurting someone
that i would never, ever want to

sometimes i say things
without letting them
run through my head
or i’m careless with my inflection
and it changes the meaning
of the words i’ve just said

i would never mean to be callous
to someone that i love
or have them believe
it was their feelings
that i hadn’t thought of

because i can usually understand
all sides of an issue
and often know how one would feel
before they even do
so those times when i’m thoughtless
always deeply upset me
that isnt the person
that i try to be

so i hope you can see
how sorry i am
accept and forgive me
if you think you can

because i believe that we’re human
and that we’re all flawed
but my innocent intentions
aren’t some kind of fraud

i’m a big hearted person
whos almost always kind
i’m reasonable and understanding
and you’ll come to find
that i want the best for you
i’d do almost anything
to see you shine
and i couldn’t be more proud
that you would want me
to call you mine

depressed

there was a time when i
was constantly full of shame
a time when i
felt riddled with blame
for anything
and everything
that you could think of
a thoughtless word
a really loud hiccup
its silly to think
that i wasted
so much time
caught up in all
these insecurities
that lived in my mind

the depressed
always remember
everything they’ve done
everything they’ve said
that was hurtful
or sounded stupid
and they just keep repeating
in the back of their heads
it makes them embarrassed
to be who they are
and it makes it
impossible for them
to stray very far
from the comfort
of their solitude
the assurance
that being alone
means that they don’t
have to worry
about trying to atone
for the mistakes
that they’ve made
that way no one ever
has to know

lately

lately
nothing moves me
or motivates me
or inspires me
suddenly
indifferent
is all I can seem
to be

lately
I feel tired
I feel slow
I feel bored
and the people I’m with
cant help
but feel ignored

have you ever
had that dream
where your heart
starts to race
and you try to run
but you stay in one place?

twenty years from now

twenty years from now
am i going to be thinking
that i spent all these years
doing nothing but sinking
wasting my time
doing whatever was easiest
never letting anyone
take me too serious
will i wish i spent more time
with the sun on my face
will i wish i had looked at success
like it was more of a race
will the people i love now
be the people i love then
will i still be in touch
with my dearest old friends

twenty years from now
will i be thinking
i’m happy i’ve come so far
or will i be drowning my regret
in a glass at the local bar
because life throws you curves
and it can often be cruel
the hard stuff are the things
they dont teach you in school

like death is a given
for you and everyone you know
and youre never prepared
to deal with someone’s time to go
or that sorrow is like the ocean
with tides that roll in
it moves out and gets calm
but it keeps coming back again

how much more sorrow
will i know
between now and then
is acceptance really
just a matter of when?

direction

maybe if i had
a little direction
i could figure out
which way to head in
maybe i wouldnt be
standing here
head in the sand
screaming in silence
waiting for someone to hear

i just cant seem
to get my gears in motion
feels like i’m walking
along the bottom
of the ocean
little inch by little inch
just getting by
“i’m doing fine”, i say
…but i lie

i’ve known love
and peace of mind
it has made me
affectionate and kind
but i’ve known fear
and dealt with pain
the kind of heartache
that suffocates
like a cold hard rain

it’s like i’m stuck somewhere between
the coming and going
scared of moving forward
of these seeds that need sowing

i’m not sure that i can handle
the truths i want to seek
not sure that when it counts
i’ll have the courage to speak

i dont even know
that i’m sure how i feel
from one day to the next
it’s like spinning the wheel
so its just easier
to hide myself here

why not today

i’m just sitting here
thinking
why do i stay
thinking about
turning this car around
and just
running away
wont have to
do goodbyes
because really
theres nothing to say
everyone leaves
eventually,
anyway

i just feel like
taking off
see you later, bye
trying not to think
about the tears
my mother would cry
but i know
that she’d understand
wanting to live
before i die

i just cant
stop thinking
that theres more
out there for me
that i need
to go and find
the me that
i’m supposed to be

cause it’s not
gonna happen
in this town
in this place
it’s so easy
to feel trapped
surrounded
by all of this space
sometimes
i feel so lost
that my heart
begins to race
and i start to think

why do i stay
how long can i keep
this maddening
restlessness at bay
i have to start
to live for myself
sometime
so why not today
why dont i
just turn this car around
and start
making my way

without you

i know i was the one
who said we were done
who threw in the towel
and started to run

well what can i say
baby, you know me
illusions of greener grass
swept me off my feet

i didn’t know
who i was
without you as half of me
i just knew
i needed to see

i was scared
of being stuck behind
a constant back and forth
that left me numb inside

cause you were it
you were all that i had
and i don’t know why
but it made me mad

cause i didn’t know
who i was
if you weren’t half of me
i just knew
i wanted to see

but right now
looking at you
i cant help but remember
how in spite of it all
you could see
how happy we were

and now here i am
trying to understand
who i am without you
i wish i could tell you
that i knew

now here i am
trying to understand
how i can live without you
i only wish
that i knew

cause i didn’t know
who i was
without you as half of me
and now i am
and i’m not sure
i like what i see

shame

its like i’ve been
seeking affirmations
in any suitable man
who is willing
then i end up
sleeping with them
out of pity
when all i really
needed to hear was
“youre pretty,
youre pretty”

its pathetic
and shameful
and to most i’d deny
that i’m just doing
anything i can
to make myself feel
like i’m still alive

because i’m scared
and i’m sad
but you’d never know it
i’m too proud
and too embarrassed
to be able to show it

so i put on my boots
and my mega watt smile
and escape by becoming
the fantasies
of the men i encounter
for a while

i’m not proud
to admit it
but i’ll tell you
this much
it beats the hell
out of crying
and whining
and such

so judge me
if you like
if thats what
floats your boat
but that says more
about you
than any of these words
about me
that i’ve wrote

these days

these days
the sun sets early
and i find myself
longing
for sunshine
and warm breezes
lazy sundays
that seem to last forever
that feeling of freedom
and endless possibilities
while driving around
windows down
music loud

because these cold days
and freezing nights
make me yearn
for big cushions
and soft blankets
and a warm body
to curl up next to

this chill
makes me crave
warm drinks
and big hits
and the cutesy playfulness
of relationship bliss

a cold night
is no place
for a lonely soul
susceptible
to the warm looks
from the men lining
nearby bar stools
but i’m cold
so i seek
connections
in search
of that spark
that creates
a warmth
in my heart

me at fifteen

i wish i could talk
to myself at fifteen
tell her about the woman
that i want her to be

i wish i could tell her
how fast these years will go by
warn her about the consequences
of dating that much older guy

if i could only talk
to myself at fifteen
start her on the track
to the me i could be

i’d tell her to stop worrying
about what everyone thinks
trial and error is the only way
to work out the kinks

i’d say pay more attention
in your history classes
this knowledge becomes power
so start wearing your glasses

if i could just have some time
with me at fifteen
prepare her for the things
she is going to see

tell her that her parents
are the best things shes got
to listen to what they say
whether she likes it or not

i’d tell her its important
to just forgive her sister
i’d explain just how badly
she is going to miss her

give me just five minutes
with me at fifteen
i’m sure i could get her
to understand what i mean

i am

i am a searcher
a looker for light
in the shadowed corners
of a dark night

i am a giver
a bringer of hope
to anyone in need
at the end of their rope

i am a daughter
and idealist, a friend
a product of my memories
from beginning to end

i am a lover
affectionate and kind
with a comforting way
of easing your mind

i am a dreamer
a wanderer at heart
with visions of a journey
i have yet to start

this is the package

I hope that I have not
offended you
that is never something
that I intend to do
but I have no
apologies for you
for the way that I act
or the things that I do
this is the package
like it or not
I’m giving it everything
that I’ve got

sometimes I’m sad
selfish and sarcastic
sometimes I’m sunny
funny and fantastic
I’m putting it all out there
take it or leave it
think about it even
– if you need to –
for a bit

you aren’t going to find me
pushing the issue
don’t have to worry about me
forcing myself on you

I am who I am
and I’ll be as I please
don’t make the mistake
of thinking I’m naive
because I am an observer
gaining insight is my game
that’s why every person in here
already knows my name

I look and I listen
I engage and react
move from bar stool to bar stool
then make my way back

sometimes I sing as though
my world were at stake
like ani said – you’re only as loud
as the noises you make

I’d like you to like me
I’d like everyone to
but its ok with me
if you’re not going to

because I am a pillar
I can stand on my own
I’ve learned to draw strength
from places unknown

and my strength is warm
I’m approachable and kind
but that doesn’t stop me
from speaking my mind

I wont put up with prejudice
intolerance or violence
I like to laugh and converse
I’m not big on silence

I want to connect with the music
be anything but still
I can dance without sound
and if you know me
you know I will

I’m not oblivious to the gossip
I know how it works all too well
but the people I respect
are wise enough to be able to tell
what is bullshit
and whats not
because they all can see
the good intentions I’ve got

they know that I’m honest
that I have a good heart
and if I do say so myself
that’s a good place to start

sorry

i am so sorry
that i cannot seem
to make myself be
what it is
i know you need

and i am sorry, too
that i cannot
bring myself to be
a better person
and let go of you

you may say
not to worry
as if your heart
is hard as rock
and can not get hurt

but i know better
i’ve seen through
a weakness
in your eyes
you may not know it
but you’re
telling me lies.

lies
of the mind
the ones that
toss out reasoning
and hold on tight
to whatever sounds right
to get you
whatever it may be
at the time
that feels right

my fear is that you
may begin to regret
how invested
you’ve become
through the time
that we’ve spent

more so, i fear
that i may begin
to pull back
or move on
or get bored with you, dear

i love how we laugh
and how our bodies
just fit
but i warned you
at the start
that this would be it

we would joke
and have fun
and let this course
take its run
find someplace to hide
share stories, confide

but i am not looking
to find that one
and baby,
if you were him
i’d already have run.

poor girl

shes laughing
cause she thinks
you meant to be funny
and just weren’t
cause she likes you
poor girl

she lights up
when you’re around
and beefs you up
when she thinks
you might be feeling
a little down
cause she likes you
silly girl, sounds like me

you flirt with her
just enough
to give her hope
that something is there
even though she knows better
cause she likes you
poor girl, is that me?

shes leaving you
little notes
to make you smile
just because she wants
to see you happy
for a while
cause she adores you
silly girl, yes thats me

whats best

i’m not sure
what you want me to say
when you start
to look at me
in that way

its not like we havent
been through it all before
you know i’m giving you
what i can
and i know youre going
to be looking for more

neither one of us
really wants all this
to come to an end
but we both know
that its lurking
somewhere up
around one of these bends

i just wish
you could relax
and enjoy the moment
and stop looking for me
to make some kind
of atonement

for the state
that you fear
you’ll be left in
even as you tell me
you understand
and are absolutely
still in

i dont think
that you realize
that i can read you
like a book
i know what each
of your smiles mean
every movement
and sideways look

but you never own up
to the truth
of how youre feeling
even after i hit you with it
so i have no way
to help you
with dealing

i cant help that i’m
not having a problem with it
i’ve told you i’m just looking
to spend some time
and have fun for a bit

you have to realize
that youre pushing the issue
maybe youre subconsciously
asking me
to tell you we’re through

and you know
i dont mean it
just like i know
its true
that cutting you lose
would be whats best
for you.

dreams of travels

i could stay here
just decide
to sit here
to be here
watch the water in motion
and the sky turning grey
got a job waiting for me
just up the way
but i might just stay here
blow it all off
for a while
pretend that my life
starts today
and sit and think
ahead
for a few hours

drive west til i’m out
of money for gas
camp out in the desert
with a notebook and a flask

maybe hop a train to boston
to walk the cobblestones streets
spend all night in a local pub
sharing stories
with the lonely souls
that i meet

to be free from it all
to escape in my brain
to wander on the travels
i’ve dreamed of in vain

i’d spend eight months
in le louvre
spend my days on sleek stone
amongst art and beauty
and treasures unknown
spend my nights on the hill
at le sacre coeur
marvel at the lights
of the city
stare up at the sky
and hum little ditties

some days

some days i long
to be the mystery
to smile coyly
hints of knowing
yet still searching
full of living of breathing
of being

some days i long
to be the open book
to give every thought i have
away with a look
to know i am seen
i am heard, understood.

some days i long
to be a sunshine ball
the chipper cheerfull
free for all
like in that ani song
to be bright and light
full of good cheer and delight

most days i just long
to be something, to be anything
to be noticed, to be felt
to engage with others
just to deal
with the cards i am dealt

waiting

i am waiting
always waiting
to learn something
to feel something
to want anything
badly enough
to stir me to motion
to engage me enough
to be willing
willing to be scared
to start over
to trust myself
enough
enough to believe
that there is something here
something to do
and someone to be
and something simply
to say.

soon.
before this stirring
turns to sinking
as i constantly fear
it has already done
yet i am waiting

always waiting
for something
something
anything

matters of the many

feels like something
is missing
drowning or dying
or simply hiding
i search myself
and come up empty
so i turn my attentions
to the matters of the many
and i study their movements
their memories, their stories
i search for the something
that pulls at my insides
try this on for size, or that
maybe this one is wise..

at first i feel saved
and amazed
at the days i feel whole
tiny changes to my outlook
on life
they unknowingly gave
i soak up the lessons they teach
and i test them to see
how far their compassion
can reach

i smile and laugh
at the jokes that they tell
always sure to make them feel
like they are coming off well
i listen and engage
and i feel their appreciation
for the ways that companionship
makes you feel wanted
respectful admiration
for my understanding
and friendly affection

what you wish for

be careful what you wish for
he said
in his eerie little tone
i just kind of nod
and think
i learned that lesson again
not so long ago

it reminds you
to remember
to pay attention
to what you’ve got
to look closer
at the little things
that go on during
the everyday connections
of the collection of people
that exist in your heart

theres always more going on
behind a smile
than a frown
a silent exchange
between two sets of eyes
reveals more
than any words spoke
between hello and goodbye

people are whats important
those important to you, anyway
its not so hard to read them
its how they move and they think
not so much what they say

it so often goes
unnoticed
its so easy to become
content
with being too busy
to notice another’s
subconscious intent

but the wonders
of the mystery of others
is enough
when you remember
that in the end
its these people
that matter

the feelings they have given you
the experiences you share
the thoughts and ideas that have shaped you
have all sprung from there

everything to everyone

its not that
i don’t want to be
all of the things
i could be
to all of the people
who mean something
to me

its just that
i dont know how
to be
everything
to everyone
without losing track
of me

i guess that
i’m tired
and wearing
a little thin
theres no bounce
in my step
no more glow
under my skin

i think that
i’ve been
searching
for something
to spark me
from within
all the while
the light
that i already had
has slowly
been getting
more and more
dim

constant contradiction

i am constant contradiction

i have the thoughts
of a wise old soul
compassion and understanding
of truths untold

i have the desires of a child
attention, affection and
a need to run wild

i have the heart of a dreamer
wandering and free
but the brain of a damned man
held still and on fire
drowning in need

bright and light
broody and moody
what would you like me to be?
sweet and polite
or maybe mean and bitchy
is more your cup of tea

i can be whatever you like

i can play any part
and i’ll do it with a smile
if i’m gonna go down
i’m gonna do it in style