Thunder

What is it I wonder
That makes me let them penetrate me
Like thunder
Thunder pushes into the core of you
Without you ever asking it to
But its there and gone
And you begin to crave it again
Fascinated with the feeling
of it rushing back out of your skin

When you crave thunder
You’re bored with a blue sky
Aching for rain
Irritated by the sunshine

Ruins

I didn’t fall in love with how easy it was
to be around him-although it was
We really didn’t get to do that very much

I fell in love with his voice
The way he would speak
How he would question and over-think everything
How he was so much like me

I fell in love with the laughter
the nightly hours-long conversations
With what I thought was candor
With what seemed to be patience

I fell I love with a promise
That vanished while I slept
With a shrug of its shoulders
And a cock of its neck
It turned into a rumor
That whispered to its friends
Spun my confusion into crazy
My hurt into unhinged

Rumors have a way of making you question
What you thought you knew to be true
Makes you start to wonder
If you made up the good things too
Just how big were the blinders
Just how self absorbed had I been
Was he ever honest
Did I ever mean anything to him

But that’s the thing about rumors
there are no answers to find
They just linger in tiny whispers
in the back of your mind

But I’ve never cared much for rumors
It’s why I serve myself on a plate
Less need for anyone to have to speculate
Yes, I know that not everyone is like me
And maybe i’ll always be slightly naive but

I know when I’ve felt someone’s heart touch mine
I know when I’ve seen love or lust look at me from a man’s eyes
I understand motives when promises get broken
I know what I’ve heard in between the words that are spoken

He can burn all of the bridges I built
I’ll claim those ruins as mine
Have you ever noticed how ruins
become beautiful things over time

You can take a train ride
through the ruins of my past
Just keep your hands inside
So you don’t shatter them like glass
The train track is my history
There’s a station at every trauma
Ghosts move among the wreckage
play-acting out the drama
Some are quick enough to roll through
So many others take some time
I visit them all occasionally
When I get stuck inside my mind

Everyone collects something
Isn’t that what they say
I guess Im collecting the memories
Filing them away
Under the still crumbling remnants
Of what used to be
When I loved him
When he loved me

Would Have

If you had really known me
you’d know I would have willingly
played the martyr
Would have swallowed my own swords
given reason
I wouldn’t have made it harder

In fact, knowing me I would have tried
to ease any guilt you might have felt
I would have reminded you
that I always respected the way you seemed to know yourself
Had I known there was something and someone else that you wanted
I wouldn’t have made it about me, I would have convinced myself to be happy for you
For taking a chance on something that I knew I couldn’t give you

Someone to lay with at the end of a long day
Someone who already knows you well enough
to know all of the right things to say
Someone to just be with, do nothing really at all
Someone to make regular new memories with in the backseat of your car
Someone you can actually touch when you’re so hard that it hurts
Not having to settle for racing home to my pictures and your hand after work
Knowing smiles, hand holding
Sleepy snuggles every morning

If you would have just told me the truth
I would have wanted to make that choice easy on you
Would have always carried a torch for this sweet, honest guy that I knew
I would have liked for that to be my memory of you

Goodbyes

All I really asked for was honesty
For you to be upfront with me
It was something you said
You understood I would need
We used to talk about it constantly
You told me so many times
How you never lie
How you could never cheat
How you didn’t want to be with her
Regardless of being with me

Guess the joke all along was on me

I knew you could be cold
When you want to be
You can shut off a switch
Convince yourself so easily
Of whatever it is
You need to believe

You said I had trouble seeing past myself
That commment was true
Whether you realize it or not
You have that problem too
You don’t always take the time
To really see other points of view

You asked me once
If I would hate you for this
Back when it had just began
I told you it would really suck for me
I’d be sad, but I’d understand

And I would have.

I know it’s all the same to you
It’s not like we could have stayed friends
But did you really have to handle it that way
Is this really how you needed it to end?

You had all the power here
You just stopped speaking to me
Guess I should have listened
To the bad feeling I’d had recently

If you had just done what you promised
Been open and honest with me
It could have been so different
It didn’t need to hurt so badly

One conversation would have made the difference
Just to me, I know, not you
Now it seems you had… other things to do

So I can only assume you wanted
Me to hurt in the worst possible way
To mourn you like the dead
Who just disappear one day

Without a single word to say

I guess I never meant that much to you
For you to want to be that cruel
If you were scared you should know that didn’t come from me
It comes from inside you
I didn’t even know about her
Cry was all I figured I’d do
If I had shown up I probably
Would have laughed a little too
At myself just as much
As at the two of you

Because I’m your joke now, right
The forgotten tryst
The crazy blight
The one you just ignore outright
Does it give you those bad dreams at night?

I’m sure it will be blissful
For a while, it always is
The sex should be much better
But that’s an easy goal to hit
The comfort, the safety
Mixed with the freshness of starting new
Will feel really amazing for a while too
Who knows maybe she’s the one
And she’ll grow old with you

I don’t wish you any ill will
Because that’s not the heart I have
You never could fully understand
My perspective on all that

But don’t take all my goodbyes
In all these rhyming lines
To mean I haven’t moved on
Just one single feeling
Can inspire a hundred songs

Lost

I let myself get lost in you
In the distraction
Of something so refreshing, so new
And so very quickly
Without even meaning to
I became emotionally dependent on you

So without you
I feel so utterly alone
Like I could collapse on myself
Like I’m all skin and no bone

Nostalgic Fantasy

Is this all I am
Is this all I’ve ever been
A nostalgic game of fantasy
To every man who has ever known me

You always ask me what Im wearing
You want me to make it sound cute
You’re thinking knee socks and spandex
Clinging to my legs
Tank top tight against these ample breasts
You want me to paint myself into
A portrait for you
Like I am just a fantasy
Here waiting for you

Well this
Is what you see
When I put down the paintbrush
And pick up a pen
This is the image of a woman
Waiting around to play fantasy for men

This is the dry mouth
That comes after all of those held breaths
This is the sound of gagging
On the resentment of expectations not met
This is the stench
Of a mountain of regret
That oozes out like pheromones
At the hint of a familiar scent

But you want that flirtatious adrenaline rush
That conversation only if you’re bored
That sexy picture when you’re stressed
That slow playful texting
About what kind of sex we like
On your oh-so-seldom lonely night

I never thought
You’d inspire me to feel this way
This, another lesson
That rose colored glasses
Grow back with time away

But you spent so many years
Agreeing to be only what I needed
Regardless of how you may have been feeling
So now I wonder if I don’t owe it to you
To play the part of your Manic Pixie Dream Girl
For a few

But I feel something die a little
With every word I say
Because fantasies flame hot
Then die out a little every day
And anything real
Burns to ashes that way

Wells

I seek out wells to drown myself in
Dressed up in nice eyes and warm skin
A shadowy place to hide
Like a broken welcome sign
Atop an abandoned mine
That just echoes back the denial
that bounces around in my mind
Until I believe the me I’m pretending to be
Until I can only see what my depression needs me to believe
Until I wake up one day
And don’t recognize me
Trapped inside a cage of my own making
knees shaking, heart aching
With the realization
That I’ve been hiding my life away
Performing the same one act play
Reminding myself it’s what I wanted
To escape; to dissolve;
To fall like crumpled paper from pockets
So no one would see me flailing
So no one would see me failing

Bruises

Waking up after drinking
and then arguing the night before
When he told you he hated you
He didn’t love you anymore
You were sobbing, following him around
Begging him to listen
Begging him to calm down

So you drag yourself to the shower
Step out to dry off
Catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror
Eyes widen, you gawk

Criss cross cobwebs
of blue and purple fingerprints
Red marks, bruises
Flashes of memories coming in bits

Flung around like a rag doll
onto the floor, against the wall
Being grabbed and pushed
falling backward down the hall
Fighting him off as he tried to physically
throw you out the door
Onto the lawn, in the rain
Where he’d thrown your purse and keys just before

The coldness in his eyes
The hardness of his grip
Cruel words flashing by
like an old blurry comic strip

All at once feeling
so hollow and so small
Like that isn’t even you
staring back from the wall

No One

I’ve been bruised by more men than I’d like to admit
See even when we know better, we’re still ashamed of it
People don’t understand my anger
At the victim shaming, the blaming
“What did you do/What did you say that made him so mad?”
Or “Well it’s not like he hit you, so it wasn’t that bad.”

Once, he just forced me down on my knees
Held me there while he poured his entire beer over me

Once, to keep me from leaving
He secretly disconnected wires in my engine
No idea what he was doing, thought it would stall out
But not right away, it didn’t

Once, he just threw a remote at my head
Thankfully I reacted, he got my forearm instead

I covered welts and shame under lies and long sleeves
Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks
And not to protect him, but to protect me

See I understand the reason we fold
No one can pick apart a story you never told
No details for people to hammer away at
No having to hear, “I just can’t see him acting like that.”

No one to claim you hurt yourself to be vengeful
No one to start a meme of your pain and call you hateful
No one to tell you, “you probably deserved what you got”
No one to spread rumors that violence gets you hot
No one to assume you brought it on yourself
No one to write you off as too much trouble to help

the radio

I’ll be driving alone
and that song comes on the radio
Just like that, it all rushes back

Hand in hand walking down
a cute small town street
my eyes on you
your eyes on me

The wind in my hair
your lips on my face
the beat of your heart
the hole in me it replaced

The taste of sweet sweat
and the sound of your laughter
the promise of a perfect
happily ever after

Even though it’s been so long
when I hear the right song
the past is never really gone

Cause just when I think
I’ve let it all go
that song is playing on the radio

You and me in the car
open skies, summer air
singing songs and feeling like
this was something rare

You playing with the hole
in the knee of my jeans
both of us joyful
smiling incessantly

The scent of your skin
your hot breath on my neck
the endless embraces
all those playful little pecks

It’s been so long
but when that song comes on
those moments, yeah
they live on

the dreamers

i’m always drawn to the dreamers
to the under achievers
the lost souls
the ones with layers
that i can never get
to unfold

who you wish i was

am i to blame
for the version of me
you had in your mind
a glowing trophy sitting on
some pedestal way up high

who is really responsible
when i start to tumble down
is it my fault if you don’t like
the way i look on the ground

you’re in love
with who you wish i was
and that is such a shame
because
i just want to love you
imperfectly, insatiably
but it will never
be enough, because
you’re in love
with who you wish i was

i’m no angel
i haven’t earned any wings
this isn’t a fairy tale
you’re no noble king

but as the light
of this broken halo
starts to die
so does the light
that shines at me
from your eyes

i just want to love you
wholly, unconditionally

but nothing i do now
will ever be enough
because you’ll never love me
like who you wish i was

no more

what else
do you think
you can do
to my heart
can’t break
what’s already
broken apart

there’s nothing
you can do to me
no more
no pain my heart
hasn’t felt
before

now you’re coming
around here
well you can just
stop right there
it could never be
what it was before
that girl
isn’t even here
anymore

i’ll never
do that again
let someone
do me like
you did

your words
those weapons
can’t wound me
anymore
there’s nothing
you can say to me
i haven’t
heard before

been there

he sees me
the way i used
to see you
half blinded
thinking
i’m too good
to be true
loving
desperately
but defensive
and insecure
and boy, have i
been there before
and maybe
for that
i love him
even more

i’m yours and you’re mine

if the words are there
they just wont come out
so i just kind of
give you a pout
and your smile calms me
puts me at ease
and you just say,
“tell me baby, please”
so i just put it
as simply as i can
whatever the worry
you always take my hand
tell me that everything
is going to be fine
as long as i’m yours
and as long as you’re mine

tiny pieces

there was a time when i
could have had anyone
i might have wanted
and sometimes i would
just to prove my confidence
was warranted

some had girlfriends
some were “out of my league”
the athletes
the thinkers
the geeks
the bad seeds

the suits
the stoners
the partiers
the poets
men that have tiny pieces
of my soul but don’t know it

some that i wish
that i could take back
others that my heart
has longed to have back

hey love

hey love
remember me?

i did everything wrong
and just hoped for the best
and man, did my pride
fail all of your tests

hey love
remember when?

back before then when we
were so fearless in our love
when we viewed it as though
the stars had aligned above

when our passions like our tempers
would burn and then simmer
until they bubbled and erupted
swept us up like a river

hey love
remember me?

the girl who you had said
loved you so much more
than any other girl
had ever loved you before

the girl who wrote you a poem
and then watched you cry
and when i asked you what was wrong
you simply replied

“i’m just so happy, that’s all.
that’s why”

fiery or emotional
it was always
the same
tears of joy
or frustration
full of passion
either way

would i go back

if i could
how would i change it
it’s hard to decide
we were a fast and furious
roller coaster ride
we loved and fought
as if for years
in just that six month time

would i go back to january
that trip that we took
that ended up being
the last straw that it took
when we spent over a day in the airport
sleeping on benches
waiting to leave
silent and sad
or me begging on my knees

would i go back to december
the night of that
really big fight
erase the liquor, tears and bruises
so the weeks that followed
would have been alright

would i go back
to the night
you cheated on me
begged you
from two hours away
not to go
not to leave

would i go back to October
the night you’ll never forgive me for
when i was way too drunk to notice
that you were annoyed and at the bar
downing shots of jager
and heading for your car

would i go back to August
and tell you to take some time
to settle into your new life
before merging it with mine

unsaid

it just happened one day
she finished her coffee
put her mug in the sink
didn’t even stop
for a minute to think
she went to the bedroom
packed just one bag
then walked out the front door
without looking back

left him to deal
with all of her things
and the pain and heartache
that abandonment brings

after she left
she didn’t even cry
this time (oh this time)
her eyes were dry

it wasn’t
the first time
she had driven away
only this time her things
weren’t thrown on the lawn
or flung in her face

after everything
said and done
he really shouldn’t
have been surprised

the only word
she left
unsaid
was goodbye

last night

last night
making love to you
i cried
a release
of the emotions
held captive
by my pride

high school fantasy

i think maybe at first
you saw me as a prize
and you were trying on
your high school fantasy
for size

and it fit, for a while
like a dream
you would beam
but the threads were quickly
unraveling at the seams
and before long
there were tears as wide
as the knees
of my old jeans

and my heart, like those jeans
ripped little by little
until the night of that fight
when they both
tore down the middle

i knew then it was over
i just couldn’t admit it
like great shoes
you keep around
even if they don’t fit

the other side

i wonder
how you’d feel
if our roles
were reversed
if i had done
that to you
in that way
right at first

if it had
been me
taking you
for that ride
tell me,
how would
forgiveness look
from the other side?

how easy
do you
expect this
to be?
it’s not
about you,
remember?
it’s about me

you play
the victim
like regret
is the main event
but regret
flames bright
then dies out
and is spent

i have
no blame
to eat
to settle
the score
just heartache
fear
disappointment
and more

heartbeat

i shift my weight
back and forth
from my heels
to my toes
my ears
start to ring
and my heartbeat
slows
i feel it pound
in my gut
i dont know
what to say
and i cant
do anything
while youre looking at me
that way

something new

i dont want you
to think i’m standing
with just one foot
inside the door
i just dont want
to say the same
things i’ve said
to other men before

its not that
i dont think
and feel these
same things you do
i just know
that when it’s ready
it’ll come out
as something new

something that
is just for you

and i want you
to have that
something special
thats just you and me
i want
this to become
what we both
feel it could be

not that bad

today
i saw
a cloud
funnelled down
toward the
ground
stretching
thinning
the further
it went down

theres few things
that feel
as bad
as loving something
that you can
never have

reaching
for something
that you can
never touch
you’ll never
want anything
else
quite as much

but i guess
if you think about it
its not really
that bad
to lose
something
you never
really had

you tell me

you tell me
that i am thinking
too much
worrying about what if
and what could happen
and such

but i know myself better
than you know me
there are consequences
you either cant
or wont see
and right now i cant risk
my emotional stability

because whenever i was
lonely in the past
i allowed myself
to become attached
to anyone
who showed me
romantic attention
because of how badly
i craved the affection

and they
were mistakes
i’d have been better off
not making
because after
a little while
i felt like
i was faking

and i wouldn’t
want to hurt you
by leading you on
you wont
have my heart
right now
its long gone

but my heart
is sometimes tricked
even if my head
wont say so
and i don’t want
to feel hurt
if it’s you
that lets go

so it kind of feels like
a no win situation
no matter the manor
of it’s disintegration

i’d rather keep you around
in a positive way
because i like
when you’re there
at the end of my day

still with me, for now

i’m finally in that place
where i’m looking ahead
instead of agonizing over
what i would have done instead

i’ve been filling my time
with people and places
catching up with many
old familiar faces

reminding myself
of what i like about who i am
and even remembering
to be better in the ways i can

but it’s still you
in the future i see
because that is still
what feels right to me

sometimes i talk to you
as if you were right there
and i’ll start to feel
that familiar, comforting air

i keep you in my thoughts
every single day
so that you are still
with me, in a way

it makes it hard for me to decide
what i want for myself
ideas stacked like the paperbacks
lining the top bookshelf

but i’m moving on like i should
with a life that’s my own
and in some ways, already
i can see that i’ve grown

there’s still a long road ahead
believe me, i know
but at least, for now
you’re still with me
wherever i go

you loved me

i can remember
it exactly
the last time
that you told me
you loved me
it was a month ago now
but it seems longer
somehow
since that loving look
was in your eye
now when you look at me
i just want to cry
because i can see
that its missing
and i cant stop
reminiscing
back to the day
when you loved me more
than you could say
and i just cant help
but to think
youre not really trying
that you’re letting your heart
stay locked away in hiding
i think its because
youre afraid
its not going to work out
that you wont be able
to overcome your doubt
and you dont want
to go through the hurt
but you have to try
if this is going to work

everyday

i wish you
were here today
it’s the same thing
i think everyday

to see your face
in the morning
to kiss you goodbye
to hug you after work
when i feel like
i might cry

to slow dance
in the bedroom
when it starts to get dark
to see you smile
at my silly
offhanded remarks

to snuggle on the couch
during the evenings
turned cold
to stare at you and picture
you and me
when we’re old

having you there
to whisper my dream to
when i wake up in the night
to have you hold me
and kiss me
and tell me everything is alright

these day to day things
that we have to
miss out on
these sweet
little things
that help us to bond

i’m craving them
and the comfort
they bring me
the absence of which
can, at times
feel crippling

so i wish you
were here today
just like i do
everyday

flawed

i am not the pretty girl
with smooth hair
or a perfect tan
nor am i the smart girl
responsible and sure
following her plan

i guess i’m not trying
as hard as you think i could
to get from the things i do
to the things that i should

sometimes i’m short sighted
and don’t think things through
and i end up hurting someone
that i would never, ever want to

sometimes i say things
without letting them
run through my head
or i’m careless with my inflection
and it changes the meaning
of the words i’ve just said

i would never mean to be callous
to someone that i love
or have them believe
it was their feelings
that i hadn’t thought of

because i can usually understand
all sides of an issue
and often know how one would feel
before they even do
so those times when i’m thoughtless
always deeply upset me
that isnt the person
that i try to be

so i hope you can see
how sorry i am
accept and forgive me
if you think you can

because i believe that we’re human
and that we’re all flawed
but my innocent intentions
aren’t some kind of fraud

i’m a big hearted person
whos almost always kind
i’m reasonable and understanding
and you’ll come to find
that i want the best for you
i’d do almost anything
to see you shine
and i couldn’t be more proud
that you would want me
to call you mine

waiting for friday

five o’clock in the morning
still only half alive
crying as I watch you
walk down the drive
back to your life
to that place you call home
leaving me here in my space
to face another week on my own

five days until
I get to see you again
when you’ll hug and kiss me
and ask me how I’ve been
I’ll smile and say
I’ve been doing alright
being around you
always makes me feel light

but on those weekday mornings
when I wake up alone
and the distance between us
feels like it’s grown
I cant help but be sad
throughout most of the day
without you here
to hug it away

it’s not that i
don’t think we’ll be fine
I know how we both feel
we talk all the time
but I’m missing your hands
and seeing you smile
and just being able
to feel your presence for a while

I know that you
are feeling this way too
and there isn’t anything
either of us can do
we’ll just have to make do
with long phone calls and texts
until friday night
when we get to see each other next

to jim, happy birthday

you are one of
the kindest people
that I have ever met
you’re warm,
and you’re thoughtful
and so compassionate

not often do I meet someone
who reminds me
of the kind of person
that I want to be
and I’m not used
to having someone like that
– someone like you-
love me

I feel like you get me,
like I don’t have to try
like you understand
where I’m coming from-
without asking me why

and you make me happy
by just being yourself;
you’re easy going and witty
and that’s enough in itself

but that’s just the surface
of what I love about you,
so here’s a few more things
I love that you do;

I love that you love bowling
and like to see me sweat
I don’t even mind
that you haven’t given up
rooting for the Yankees -yet

I love the words you use
and I like the way you reason
and I think its cute
the way you get all
revved up for football season

I love it that you sing to me
and I cant even describe
the way that I feel
when you look at me
with those adoring big brown eyes

I love that you kiss me in public
and always hold my hand
and I just don’t foresee
any issue being one
that naked wrestling can’t impede

I love it when you giggle
and I want you to know
that your concern for my well being
is both endearing and adorable

so I can only hope
that I can make you as happy
as you’ve already made me,
but I know I will
because deep down I feel
that this is meant to be.

closure

i know you’ve been waiting
to hear something from me
if you can keep your distance
you can have it to read

i fell in love with the man
i thought you would be
the man that i knew
not very many could see
and for a really long time
i tried ignoring the signs
that you were not at all
what i had had in mind

you were weak and needy
in way more ways than one
and i always felt too guilty
to do what i knew
needed to be done

you should have known
that something between us was wrong
when i refused to call you my boyfriend
all those months, all along
when something is right
you really want to belong

you were jealous
and insecure
you blame me
and that’s true, i’m sure
because i just
wasn’t in it
and you don’t want to,
but you knew that –
admit it

you’re a grown man
going nowhere
who pities himself
and i’m proud
that youre now a memory
getting dusty on my shelf

cause the things that i heard
that everyone told me
like that girl that you dated
remember all your innocent stories?
i no longer believe
a word that you said
because i’ve seen firsthand
the way you can get
and p.s.
having been in your bed
is something i truly regret

i will never love a man
who has disrespected me
or gets violent, especially after
knowing my history

so you can go to hell
or if i have my way – to jail
at least then
you can only stalk me by mail

i hope for your sake
someday you get your shit together
but i don’t want to hear from you
and i mean it – not ever
i will have you arrested again
if you come back around
and yes, cold is how
i want that to sound

so here it is
this is all that you get
and you should keep this
because you are a memory
that i plan to forget

quiet

those times you get quiet
and run away in your head
I wish I could hear
the words your mind has said
I need to know how you think
how you work these things through
if I’m ever going to be able
to really understand you

not sure how to react
when you get like this
I just can’t help but wonder
what it is that I missed

because I can usually see
this kind of stuff coming on
I read people well
or at least that’s what I thought

I think there are things about me
that are starting to upset you
but they’ve been here all along
they are things you already knew

you’re really open minded
but you’re pretty stubborn too
when it comes to the things
that just don’t make sense to you

I know that you’re willing
to work these things through
and I know you don’t want to ask me
to change myself for you

I want to be able to tell you
that I will just do it
but I don’t want to say that
if it isn’t legit

I just wasn’t expecting
this to become an issue
and it’s not that these things
are more important to me than you

but there’s a part of me that resists
when someone wants me to change
our relationship shouldn’t be dependant
on some kind of exchange

I want you to love me for me
not just the person I can be
if I were to change the things
you think are unhealthy for me

but I know that you do
and it’s upsetting you, too
that you can’t just get over
the things that are bothering you

I love you enough
that I’m willing to do it
but I don’t think it’s a bad thing
if it takes me a bit

it’s going to take me some time
to convince myself it’s what’s best
for me and my future
and not just our relationship’s
best interest

you

i’m imagining sitting with you
under a breezy blue sky
with fingers intertwined
seeing the way you look at me
always gentle, always kind

i’m thinking about your laugh
and how it lights up your face
thinking about the way you speak to people
with warmth, and with grace

youre fantastic to know
a total delight to be around
and on top of it all
you’ve got your feet on solid ground

i respect your intelligence
and your empathy even more
your maturity is something
more people should strive for

you put me to shame
with your thoughtful ways
and i plan to make it up to you
one of these days

the lasting kind

baby, i’ve been thinking
about you and me
i’ve been thinking about how happy
i know we will be

baby, you amaze me
this swelling in my chest
does nothing but assure me
that this is so much better
than any of the rest
of the times in my life
that i thought i was happy
i dont even care
that i constantly sound
so sappy

this happiness i feel
does nothing but soothe me
i never thought
that relationships this good
could ever be this easy

and i know this is real
theres no doubt in my mind
that this love that we share
is the lasting kind

still with you

five days in a row
i dont get to see your face
five days a week
separated by so much space
i sit and stare at your photos
the days that i’m alone
thinking about how crazy it is
that your arms have become
the place i feel
most at home

two hour drive
every friday and sunday
two hours away
is where my heart will stay
because when the weekend is over
and its my time to go
i somehow find
the strength to leave
but my chest refuses
and just says, “no”
“no, i wont go”

so while you’re up there
and i’m down here
so much of me
is still with you, dear

i’m there when you laugh
and whenever you smile
so never think that you
haven’t seen me in a while
i’m there in the mirror
and in the curve of your chest
there in that place
you know i like best

men i’ve known

i’ve been thinking about love
and the men that i’ve known
the ways they all ended
the ways we’ve all grown

brad was a good guy
reliable, strong
always emotional when things
between us went wrong
it was sweet but got old
being with someone so needy
he somehow made me feel
like wanting any time away from him
made me greedy

jake was a mans man
but a cuddler too
it was one of our
top 3 favorite things to do
we loved each other fiercly
and we fought fiercly too
we both did horrible things
we never thought we’d do
we took each other for granted
like people often do
and i started thinking
that i wanted something new

corey was the cool guy
his attitude made him hot
ambitious and adorable
available he was not
we flirted daily hot and heavy
we’d spend the night
every few weeks
online i’d see pictures
of his girlfriend
of whom he would rarely speak
i felt guilty
but couldnt stop
my attraction was consuming
it slowly stopped
3 weeks became 5
and our seperate lives
just kept moving

matthew was perfect
in my head anyway
he moved not long after we met
so in my head
thats how he’ll stay
he was easygoing and empathetic
we liked all of the same things
i love the chills
the thought of our first kiss
still brings
i met him online
we wrote long letters for weeks
i was cautious but curious
so i arranged for us to meet
he didnt know then
he would be leaving
but i’ll never regret
the few short weeks
that started that evening

i’ve been thinking about love
and the men that i’ve known
the ways they all ended
that left me here alone

parting ways

i need to take some time
away from this whole deal
to try and figure out
exactly how i feel
i dont mean to be selfish
but i hope you would agree
that i need to make a choice
about whats best for me

life is a journey
a path you walk down
and you share parts of it
with others you’ve found
and often those paths
part ways down the line
and this fork may be
the end of yours and mine

maybe those paths
will merge once again
maybe we can even
somehow still be friends
but i’m on my way
this journey is my own
i’m looking for someone
who wants to help me to grow
but right now thats not you
and you know it’s so

argue

i dont want to argue
but i’m tired
of backing down
i have respect for myself
so i’m standing
my ground

i’m sick of waiting
til later
for you to admit
that i was right
cant you just
swallow your pride
so we can skip
this whole fight

i know you dont understand
how easily i see
through your lies
i tell you its like
when you smile
with your mouth
but not your eyes

apologies

i dont want to hear
your apologies anymore
i’m shaking them off
heading for the door
i’m sick of this nonsense
that much i know for sure

you tell me you love me
while your tears fall to the floor
i say i guess you
should’ve thought about that
before

cause i wont be stifled
or kept in a cage
i’m too young for that
maybe you should go looking
for someone your own age

cause i know youre thoughtful
but you dont act that way
and i’m not naive enough
to think you’ll start to someday

youre an old dog
full of old tricks
and the stories of all
of the wounds
that you’ve licked

i’m sorry wont cut it
it’s just not enough
go ahead play the victim
as i gather my stuff

push

you dont want me
to be myself
you want me to be
what you need
you dont
see the difference
but it’s pretty clear
to me

you cant rely on me
to give you the happiness
you seek
its too much pressure
maybe you’ve noticed
i havent been any good at it
these past several weeks

i feed off of others
and you’ve been
bringing me down
and please dont
go turning
my meaning around
i dont blame you
for my plight
i want to be here
to make sure
youre all right
but if you keep trying
to push me away
you should know
that you just might

why cant you

why cant you
put yourself
in my place
it cant
be that hard
the emotion
is written
all over my face

why does everything
have to be
about you
was changing myself
ever something
that i agreed to do?

i want to bail
but i feel guilty too
because i know
you wont believe
that i did
fall in love with you

without you

i know i was the one
who said we were done
who threw in the towel
and started to run

well what can i say
baby, you know me
illusions of greener grass
swept me off my feet

i didn’t know
who i was
without you as half of me
i just knew
i needed to see

i was scared
of being stuck behind
a constant back and forth
that left me numb inside

cause you were it
you were all that i had
and i don’t know why
but it made me mad

cause i didn’t know
who i was
if you weren’t half of me
i just knew
i wanted to see

but right now
looking at you
i cant help but remember
how in spite of it all
you could see
how happy we were

and now here i am
trying to understand
who i am without you
i wish i could tell you
that i knew

now here i am
trying to understand
how i can live without you
i only wish
that i knew

cause i didn’t know
who i was
without you as half of me
and now i am
and i’m not sure
i like what i see

what will never be

i have this
one picture
of you and me
a glimpse of what
will never be
it makes me sad
to know that you
don’t look at me
the same way
i look at you
so this photo
is going to have to do

my eyes are drawn
to you like glue
from somewhere over
across the room
i just wish
there was a way
to hear the things
you cant seem to say
to help me keep
these fantasies at bay

cause i have this
one picture
of you and me
a perfect little glimpse
of what will
never be