Ruins

I didn’t fall in love with how easy it was
to be around him-although it was
We really didn’t get to do that very much

I fell in love with his voice
The way he would speak
How he would question and over-think everything
How he was so much like me

I fell in love with the laughter
the nightly hours-long conversations
With what I thought was candor
With what seemed to be patience

I fell I love with a promise
That vanished while I slept
With a shrug of its shoulders
And a cock of its neck
It turned into a rumor
That whispered to its friends
Spun my confusion into crazy
My hurt into unhinged

Rumors have a way of making you question
What you thought you knew to be true
Makes you start to wonder
If you made up the good things too
Just how big were the blinders
Just how self absorbed had I been
Was he ever honest
Did I ever mean anything to him

But that’s the thing about rumors
there are no answers to find
They just linger in tiny whispers
in the back of your mind

But I’ve never cared much for rumors
It’s why I serve myself on a plate
Less need for anyone to have to speculate
Yes, I know that not everyone is like me
And maybe i’ll always be slightly naive but

I know when I’ve felt someone’s heart touch mine
I know when I’ve seen love or lust look at me from a man’s eyes
I understand motives when promises get broken
I know what I’ve heard in between the words that are spoken

He can burn all of the bridges I built
I’ll claim those ruins as mine
Have you ever noticed how ruins
become beautiful things over time

You can take a train ride
through the ruins of my past
Just keep your hands inside
So you don’t shatter them like glass
The train track is my history
There’s a station at every trauma
Ghosts move among the wreckage
play-acting out the drama
Some are quick enough to roll through
So many others take some time
I visit them all occasionally
When I get stuck inside my mind

Everyone collects something
Isn’t that what they say
I guess Im collecting the memories
Filing them away
Under the still crumbling remnants
Of what used to be
When I loved him
When he loved me

Would Have

If you had really known me
you’d know I would have willingly
played the martyr
Would have swallowed my own swords
given reason
I wouldn’t have made it harder

In fact, knowing me I would have tried
to ease any guilt you might have felt
I would have reminded you
that I always respected the way you seemed to know yourself
Had I known there was something and someone else that you wanted
I wouldn’t have made it about me, I would have convinced myself to be happy for you
For taking a chance on something that I knew I couldn’t give you

Someone to lay with at the end of a long day
Someone who already knows you well enough
to know all of the right things to say
Someone to just be with, do nothing really at all
Someone to make regular new memories with in the backseat of your car
Someone you can actually touch when you’re so hard that it hurts
Not having to settle for racing home to my pictures and your hand after work
Knowing smiles, hand holding
Sleepy snuggles every morning

If you would have just told me the truth
I would have wanted to make that choice easy on you
Would have always carried a torch for this sweet, honest guy that I knew
I would have liked for that to be my memory of you

Cobwebs, Leaves and TV Screens

I sweep warning signs idly away
Like cobwebs from a doorway
Forgetting about the spiders
Who put them there in the first place

I hold onto love too long
Like a tree in an autumn breeze
Stubbornly refusing to cast off deadening leaves
Afraid of what losing those colors might mean

But worst of all
I remember like a TV screen
Everywhere I go
I see ghosts acting out the memories

Pretty Girl

Pretty Girl pretty face
Pretty Girl nice body
Pretty Girl so beautiful
Pretty Girl kind of a hottie
Pretty Girl appreciates the compliments
Pretty Girl hates them a little too
Pretty Girl doesn’t feel any prettier than you

Pretty Girl’s pretty smile is a mask
Pretty Girl engages you with her pretty blue eyes
Pretty Girl uses your reaction to fill up the emptiness she’s carrying inside

Pretty Girl’s always surrounded with people
Pretty Girl must feel so adored
Pretty Girl wants to believe what they tell her, but
Pretty Girl has heard it before

Pretty Girl must have it “so easy”
Pretty Girl dying inside
Pretty Girl falls in love too easily
Pretty Girl always surprised

Pretty Girl tells the man No
Pretty Girl knows he will try again anyway

Pretty Girl walks to her car with her keys between the fingers of her fist
Pretty Girl relieved she’s wearing her work shirt so no one can claim she was asking for it

Pretty Girl always polite
Pretty Girl wishes you knew politeness isn’t permission
Isn’t to be seen as an open ivitiation

Pretty Girl has trouble saying No
Pretty Girl wants you to like her
Pretty Girl can never fully let go
Pretty Girl’s memory is an anchor

Nostalgic Fantasy

Is this all I am
Is this all I’ve ever been
A nostalgic game of fantasy
To every man who has ever known me

You always ask me what Im wearing
You want me to make it sound cute
You’re thinking knee socks and spandex
Clinging to my legs
Tank top tight against these ample breasts
You want me to paint myself into
A portrait for you
Like I am just a fantasy
Here waiting for you

Well this
Is what you see
When I put down the paintbrush
And pick up a pen
This is the image of a woman
Waiting around to play fantasy for men

This is the dry mouth
That comes after all of those held breaths
This is the sound of gagging
On the resentment of expectations not met
This is the stench
Of a mountain of regret
That oozes out like pheromones
At the hint of a familiar scent

But you want that flirtatious adrenaline rush
That conversation only if you’re bored
That sexy picture when you’re stressed
That slow playful texting
About what kind of sex we like
On your oh-so-seldom lonely night

I never thought
You’d inspire me to feel this way
This, another lesson
That rose colored glasses
Grow back with time away

But you spent so many years
Agreeing to be only what I needed
Regardless of how you may have been feeling
So now I wonder if I don’t owe it to you
To play the part of your Manic Pixie Dream Girl
For a few

But I feel something die a little
With every word I say
Because fantasies flame hot
Then die out a little every day
And anything real
Burns to ashes that way

One Wish

Star light, star bright
first star I see tonight
Wish I may, wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight

I’ve got this one wish, it’s like a dream
A world without petty egos and bigotry
A world where love always trumps hate
Where no one feels the need to discriminate

Where it doesn’t matter what shade of skin you’re rocking
Just the content of your words when you get to talking

Where fear doesn’t override our empathy
Where we reach for compassion, for dignity
Where we don’t sneer at basic common courtesy
Because we now consider that to be “too PC”

I’ve got this wish I’d really like to see
A return to civility, to decency
Where we celebrate the optimism found in youth
You can learn just as much from them as they can from you
To when denigrating others didn’t get us off
When we found pride in things that now just elicit scoffs

But we all learn from different people, different places
And evil takes on many forms, shapes and faces
It’s passed down in families through generations
Spreading and popping up in pockets throughout the nation

I’ve got this wish that you could call a dream
Where we encourage thoughtfulness and generosity
Where we foster intellectual curiosity
And our leaders display kindness, not animosity

the radio

I’ll be driving alone
and that song comes on the radio
Just like that, it all rushes back

Hand in hand walking down
a cute small town street
my eyes on you
your eyes on me

The wind in my hair
your lips on my face
the beat of your heart
the hole in me it replaced

The taste of sweet sweat
and the sound of your laughter
the promise of a perfect
happily ever after

Even though it’s been so long
when I hear the right song
the past is never really gone

Cause just when I think
I’ve let it all go
that song is playing on the radio

You and me in the car
open skies, summer air
singing songs and feeling like
this was something rare

You playing with the hole
in the knee of my jeans
both of us joyful
smiling incessantly

The scent of your skin
your hot breath on my neck
the endless embraces
all those playful little pecks

It’s been so long
but when that song comes on
those moments, yeah
they live on

the dreamers

i’m always drawn to the dreamers
to the under achievers
the lost souls
the ones with layers
that i can never get
to unfold

who you wish i was

am i to blame
for the version of me
you had in your mind
a glowing trophy sitting on
some pedestal way up high

who is really responsible
when i start to tumble down
is it my fault if you don’t like
the way i look on the ground

you’re in love
with who you wish i was
and that is such a shame
because
i just want to love you
imperfectly, insatiably
but it will never
be enough, because
you’re in love
with who you wish i was

i’m no angel
i haven’t earned any wings
this isn’t a fairy tale
you’re no noble king

but as the light
of this broken halo
starts to die
so does the light
that shines at me
from your eyes

i just want to love you
wholly, unconditionally

but nothing i do now
will ever be enough
because you’ll never love me
like who you wish i was

been there

he sees me
the way i used
to see you
half blinded
thinking
i’m too good
to be true
loving
desperately
but defensive
and insecure
and boy, have i
been there before
and maybe
for that
i love him
even more

i’m yours and you’re mine

if the words are there
they just wont come out
so i just kind of
give you a pout
and your smile calms me
puts me at ease
and you just say,
“tell me baby, please”
so i just put it
as simply as i can
whatever the worry
you always take my hand
tell me that everything
is going to be fine
as long as i’m yours
and as long as you’re mine

hey love

hey love
remember me?

i did everything wrong
and just hoped for the best
and man, did my pride
fail all of your tests

hey love
remember when?

back before then when we
were so fearless in our love
when we viewed it as though
the stars had aligned above

when our passions like our tempers
would burn and then simmer
until they bubbled and erupted
swept us up like a river

hey love
remember me?

the girl who you had said
loved you so much more
than any other girl
had ever loved you before

the girl who wrote you a poem
and then watched you cry
and when i asked you what was wrong
you simply replied

“i’m just so happy, that’s all.
that’s why”

fiery or emotional
it was always
the same
tears of joy
or frustration
full of passion
either way

last night

last night
making love to you
i cried
a release
of the emotions
held captive
by my pride

wonderful tonight

will i always
be waiting
for love
to feel like a song
like the way
that i feel
when Wonderful Tonight
comes on

not that bad

today
i saw
a cloud
funnelled down
toward the
ground
stretching
thinning
the further
it went down

theres few things
that feel
as bad
as loving something
that you can
never have

reaching
for something
that you can
never touch
you’ll never
want anything
else
quite as much

but i guess
if you think about it
its not really
that bad
to lose
something
you never
really had

cursed

i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

high hopes and high pedastals

we came together so naturally
and fell apart so fast
kind of funny considering
we were so sure this would last
we had high hopes and high pedestals
we placed each other on
and before we knew what happened
those pedestals were gone

love like ours

loves like ours
are easy come
and easy go
or, at least-
that’s what i’m told

its
the going
i’m not
finding
so easy

funny way

you have this
really funny way
of making me aware
of every syllable i say
whenever you are in the room
my senses awake
and i become
acutely aware
of every tiny move
my body might make

it seems like every time
you turn your eyes to me
i fear that you will somehow
be able to see me breathe
that you can feel
the warmth of my cheeks
and hear as my heart
quickens it’s beats

spring

i love
the sun
the warmth
the glow,
like everything
is fine
cause mother nature
says so

whenever i think
i’m not sure how
i’ll get by,
i just stop
and turn my face
to the sky

i love
to feel
the earth
under my toes.
i love
to feel
a warm breeze
through my clothes

to see
the world
with a bright
yellow glaze,
oh, how
my heart
grows full
on these days

you think love
is either wrong or its right
but nothing is ever
that black and white
people are flawed
we’re complicated creatures
real life isn’t some kind
of fairytale Disney feature

you loved me

i can remember
it exactly
the last time
that you told me
you loved me
it was a month ago now
but it seems longer
somehow
since that loving look
was in your eye
now when you look at me
i just want to cry
because i can see
that its missing
and i cant stop
reminiscing
back to the day
when you loved me more
than you could say
and i just cant help
but to think
youre not really trying
that you’re letting your heart
stay locked away in hiding
i think its because
youre afraid
its not going to work out
that you wont be able
to overcome your doubt
and you dont want
to go through the hurt
but you have to try
if this is going to work

everyday

i wish you
were here today
it’s the same thing
i think everyday

to see your face
in the morning
to kiss you goodbye
to hug you after work
when i feel like
i might cry

to slow dance
in the bedroom
when it starts to get dark
to see you smile
at my silly
offhanded remarks

to snuggle on the couch
during the evenings
turned cold
to stare at you and picture
you and me
when we’re old

having you there
to whisper my dream to
when i wake up in the night
to have you hold me
and kiss me
and tell me everything is alright

these day to day things
that we have to
miss out on
these sweet
little things
that help us to bond

i’m craving them
and the comfort
they bring me
the absence of which
can, at times
feel crippling

so i wish you
were here today
just like i do
everyday

to jim, happy birthday

you are one of
the kindest people
that I have ever met
you’re warm,
and you’re thoughtful
and so compassionate

not often do I meet someone
who reminds me
of the kind of person
that I want to be
and I’m not used
to having someone like that
– someone like you-
love me

I feel like you get me,
like I don’t have to try
like you understand
where I’m coming from-
without asking me why

and you make me happy
by just being yourself;
you’re easy going and witty
and that’s enough in itself

but that’s just the surface
of what I love about you,
so here’s a few more things
I love that you do;

I love that you love bowling
and like to see me sweat
I don’t even mind
that you haven’t given up
rooting for the Yankees -yet

I love the words you use
and I like the way you reason
and I think its cute
the way you get all
revved up for football season

I love it that you sing to me
and I cant even describe
the way that I feel
when you look at me
with those adoring big brown eyes

I love that you kiss me in public
and always hold my hand
and I just don’t foresee
any issue being one
that naked wrestling can’t impede

I love it when you giggle
and I want you to know
that your concern for my well being
is both endearing and adorable

so I can only hope
that I can make you as happy
as you’ve already made me,
but I know I will
because deep down I feel
that this is meant to be.

quiet

those times you get quiet
and run away in your head
I wish I could hear
the words your mind has said
I need to know how you think
how you work these things through
if I’m ever going to be able
to really understand you

not sure how to react
when you get like this
I just can’t help but wonder
what it is that I missed

because I can usually see
this kind of stuff coming on
I read people well
or at least that’s what I thought

I think there are things about me
that are starting to upset you
but they’ve been here all along
they are things you already knew

you’re really open minded
but you’re pretty stubborn too
when it comes to the things
that just don’t make sense to you

I know that you’re willing
to work these things through
and I know you don’t want to ask me
to change myself for you

I want to be able to tell you
that I will just do it
but I don’t want to say that
if it isn’t legit

I just wasn’t expecting
this to become an issue
and it’s not that these things
are more important to me than you

but there’s a part of me that resists
when someone wants me to change
our relationship shouldn’t be dependant
on some kind of exchange

I want you to love me for me
not just the person I can be
if I were to change the things
you think are unhealthy for me

but I know that you do
and it’s upsetting you, too
that you can’t just get over
the things that are bothering you

I love you enough
that I’m willing to do it
but I don’t think it’s a bad thing
if it takes me a bit

it’s going to take me some time
to convince myself it’s what’s best
for me and my future
and not just our relationship’s
best interest

the lasting kind

baby, i’ve been thinking
about you and me
i’ve been thinking about how happy
i know we will be

baby, you amaze me
this swelling in my chest
does nothing but assure me
that this is so much better
than any of the rest
of the times in my life
that i thought i was happy
i dont even care
that i constantly sound
so sappy

this happiness i feel
does nothing but soothe me
i never thought
that relationships this good
could ever be this easy

and i know this is real
theres no doubt in my mind
that this love that we share
is the lasting kind

still with you

five days in a row
i dont get to see your face
five days a week
separated by so much space
i sit and stare at your photos
the days that i’m alone
thinking about how crazy it is
that your arms have become
the place i feel
most at home

two hour drive
every friday and sunday
two hours away
is where my heart will stay
because when the weekend is over
and its my time to go
i somehow find
the strength to leave
but my chest refuses
and just says, “no”
“no, i wont go”

so while you’re up there
and i’m down here
so much of me
is still with you, dear

i’m there when you laugh
and whenever you smile
so never think that you
haven’t seen me in a while
i’m there in the mirror
and in the curve of your chest
there in that place
you know i like best

men i’ve known

i’ve been thinking about love
and the men that i’ve known
the ways they all ended
the ways we’ve all grown

brad was a good guy
reliable, strong
always emotional when things
between us went wrong
it was sweet but got old
being with someone so needy
he somehow made me feel
like wanting any time away from him
made me greedy

jake was a mans man
but a cuddler too
it was one of our
top 3 favorite things to do
we loved each other fiercly
and we fought fiercly too
we both did horrible things
we never thought we’d do
we took each other for granted
like people often do
and i started thinking
that i wanted something new

corey was the cool guy
his attitude made him hot
ambitious and adorable
available he was not
we flirted daily hot and heavy
we’d spend the night
every few weeks
online i’d see pictures
of his girlfriend
of whom he would rarely speak
i felt guilty
but couldnt stop
my attraction was consuming
it slowly stopped
3 weeks became 5
and our seperate lives
just kept moving

matthew was perfect
in my head anyway
he moved not long after we met
so in my head
thats how he’ll stay
he was easygoing and empathetic
we liked all of the same things
i love the chills
the thought of our first kiss
still brings
i met him online
we wrote long letters for weeks
i was cautious but curious
so i arranged for us to meet
he didnt know then
he would be leaving
but i’ll never regret
the few short weeks
that started that evening

i’ve been thinking about love
and the men that i’ve known
the ways they all ended
that left me here alone

why cant you

why cant you
put yourself
in my place
it cant
be that hard
the emotion
is written
all over my face

why does everything
have to be
about you
was changing myself
ever something
that i agreed to do?

i want to bail
but i feel guilty too
because i know
you wont believe
that i did
fall in love with you

valentines

Valentines Day of 98
was one of my
first real dates
and older guy
with romance in mind
surprised me with flowers
balloons and a monkey
at fifteen i was thinking
i was so lucky

when we were young
when the nights
seemed so long

valentines day of 99
i was yours and you were mine
you had your head in my lap
a tear in your eye
determined to give
this love your best try

you and I
we’d spend hours
driving around
with the windows down

remember that field
on that hill in your old tempo
lost in each other eyes
feeling our hearts grow

remember those days
meeting in the hallways
remember those nights
those silly high school fights

Valentines Day 2004
i was so in love
i was so sure
that that was it
that new man and I
the words he wrote me
made me cry

Valentines of 2009
the first one without
that man in my life
memories of past days
hit me like waves
and i long to know
just where did those loves go?

falling hard

its funny how this
always seems to go
i’m falling hard
even though i know
that we’re moving to quickly
and i’m just not ready
to commit to something
this heady
this steady

it’s obvious to me
that the feeling is right
i’m craving your company
every single night
i’m sleeping in your clothes
the nights i’m in my own bed
the smell of you bringing
sweet thoughts to my head

i’m not sure
what it is about you
that makes me feel
the way that i do
but i’m hesitating
and its me – it’s not you
i know it sounds cliche
but its also true

i’m not sure what to do
with the situation we’re in
don’t want to pull back or move forward
is that such a sin?

i’m happy right now
with the way that things are
let’s just live and have fun
without looking ahead very far