memories

everyone is flawed
in their own
little ways
everyone has
their good and
their bad days

we would argue for hours
over who had got more
who’s fault it was
who had the best score
we would go back and forth
when we couldn’t be heard
and try out every
new swear word
or insult
we’d learned

you were always so
over-dramatic
in everything
that you would do
but i don’t need
to perfect your image
in my memory
to miss you

good or bad times
i miss them all
no matter how big
no matter how small

if you knew

i still remember
when we were little kids
mom would always dress us up
in those many matching outfits
and we would play together
ride our bikes or watch tv
that is until we got a little older
and you started to become
a little jealous of me
i was the one that had the friends
that mom and dad approved of
and you started seeing their approval
as a measure of their love

you were always looking
for someplace where you’d belong
somewhere that you didnt feel
like everything you did was wrong

i’m sorry i didnt try harder
to be a friend to you
to help you navigate the awkwardness
that you were going through

all that time and its only now
that i’m starting to see
that something may have happened to you
something like what happened to me

i cant explain the guilt i feel
for not knowing if its true
for not talking about these kinds of things
like normal sisters do

i only wish i could go back
and try to talk to you
tell you that youre not alone
that we went through it too

i just cant stop thinking
that if you knew
maybe it would have changed
how things ended up for you

missing my sister

and just
like that
she was gone
just when you think
that life
is so long
no more of
her laughter
no more of
her tears
no more inside jokes
collected
through the years

i’m just missing
my sister
wishing
i’d listened to her
longing to go back
before the attack
to tell her
i love her
that i’d be
lost without her
it kills me
to know
that it may
not have showed