shame

its like i’ve been
seeking affirmations
in any suitable man
who is willing
then i end up
sleeping with them
out of pity
when all i really
needed to hear was
“youre pretty,
youre pretty”

its pathetic
and shameful
and to most i’d deny
that i’m just doing
anything i can
to make myself feel
like i’m still alive

because i’m scared
and i’m sad
but you’d never know it
i’m too proud
and too embarrassed
to be able to show it

so i put on my boots
and my mega watt smile
and escape by becoming
the fantasies
of the men i encounter
for a while

i’m not proud
to admit it
but i’ll tell you
this much
it beats the hell
out of crying
and whining
and such

so judge me
if you like
if thats what
floats your boat
but that says more
about you
than any of these words
about me
that i’ve wrote

i want more

i want you
to see me
to know me
to explore me
to be interested
in my opinions
and my feelings
and my story

because i want
to hear you
touch you
understand you
to share in
your passions
and your dreams
like best friends do

but youre only
half there
with your
far-away stare
and i can tell
that you
dont really care
about this girl
her future
her past
or her present
youre there
for the few seconds
she makes you feel like
youre in heaven

youre there to score
pass out
wake up
and head for the door
do you really
not expect me
to want so much more?

these days

these days
the sun sets early
and i find myself
longing
for sunshine
and warm breezes
lazy sundays
that seem to last forever
that feeling of freedom
and endless possibilities
while driving around
windows down
music loud

because these cold days
and freezing nights
make me yearn
for big cushions
and soft blankets
and a warm body
to curl up next to

this chill
makes me crave
warm drinks
and big hits
and the cutesy playfulness
of relationship bliss

a cold night
is no place
for a lonely soul
susceptible
to the warm looks
from the men lining
nearby bar stools
but i’m cold
so i seek
connections
in search
of that spark
that creates
a warmth
in my heart

regret

most days i believe
that it’s silly to regret
because life is like a time line
that hasn’t been finished yet
all you need to do is see
that each and all the times you’ve spent
with every person you have met
has shaped the person you will be
you exist in your mind
in your memories
in your thoughts
your outlook on the issues
that the human condition may wraught

falling hard

its funny how this
always seems to go
i’m falling hard
even though i know
that we’re moving to quickly
and i’m just not ready
to commit to something
this heady
this steady

it’s obvious to me
that the feeling is right
i’m craving your company
every single night
i’m sleeping in your clothes
the nights i’m in my own bed
the smell of you bringing
sweet thoughts to my head

i’m not sure
what it is about you
that makes me feel
the way that i do
but i’m hesitating
and its me – it’s not you
i know it sounds cliche
but its also true

i’m not sure what to do
with the situation we’re in
don’t want to pull back or move forward
is that such a sin?

i’m happy right now
with the way that things are
let’s just live and have fun
without looking ahead very far

me at fifteen

i wish i could talk
to myself at fifteen
tell her about the woman
that i want her to be

i wish i could tell her
how fast these years will go by
warn her about the consequences
of dating that much older guy

if i could only talk
to myself at fifteen
start her on the track
to the me i could be

i’d tell her to stop worrying
about what everyone thinks
trial and error is the only way
to work out the kinks

i’d say pay more attention
in your history classes
this knowledge becomes power
so start wearing your glasses

if i could just have some time
with me at fifteen
prepare her for the things
she is going to see

tell her that her parents
are the best things shes got
to listen to what they say
whether she likes it or not

i’d tell her its important
to just forgive her sister
i’d explain just how badly
she is going to miss her

give me just five minutes
with me at fifteen
i’m sure i could get her
to understand what i mean

no tomorrow

what if there were no
tomorrow for you
where would you go
what would you do

would you do something crazy
like jump out of a plane
blow every dollar you have
dancing downtown in your fav mary janes

would you try to make amends
to the people you’ve wronged
listen over and over again
to all your favorite songs

would you take time to yourself
spend it alone
visiting all the places
where you feel at home

would you try out your pipes
at a karaoke spot
would you hit on that girl
you always thought was so hot

would you think of your friends
how their lives could be better
write down the things you’ve never said
and send them all letters

would you gather your family
and hold them all tight
share memories and stories
and tears through the night

what if there were no
tomorrow for you

what would you do

what would you do

i am

i am a searcher
a looker for light
in the shadowed corners
of a dark night

i am a giver
a bringer of hope
to anyone in need
at the end of their rope

i am a daughter
and idealist, a friend
a product of my memories
from beginning to end

i am a lover
affectionate and kind
with a comforting way
of easing your mind

i am a dreamer
a wanderer at heart
with visions of a journey
i have yet to start

what about

she had dreams in mind
once upon a time

now shes hiding away the days
under long sleeves and makeup
running out of excuses
for looking banged up

telling herself
it isnt that bad
she just has to keep him
from getting that mad

but shouldn’t she
shouldn’t she be thinking

what about me
what about the happy family
you promised me
what about the bruises
you leave on my face
what about the blood stains
all over our place
what about the times
I beg you to stop
when you laugh and say
you’ll do whatever you want

what about the babies
you caused me lose
in one way or the other
from all your abuse
what about the crack
you cant live without
what about the changes
you’re always talking about

what about me
a wife and a mother is all
i ever wanted to be

a brighter day

yellow days
have turned to grey
and it seems like
i am constantly waiting
for a brighter day

a glowing stream of light
to help me believe
that i just might
make it through these
dark days
and be alright.

goodbye to you, gt

i’m not going to cry
over you anymore
wont let you hurt me
so you can feel
like you’re settling the score

i’m moving on
moving past all this bullshit
trying someone else on for size
you obviously didn’t fit

not going to be sad
wont give you the satisfaction
not going to act out either
just to get a reaction

gonna move around the room
and smile like i do
be appreciated by those
so much more mature than you

i don’t care if you see it
take it or leave it
learn something from it
or just throw a fit

i clearly misjudged you
right from the start
or hit some nerve on the head
with some familiar sharp dart

i’m not sure which it is
at this point i dont care
because your rude comments
are completely unfair

but hear what you want
and think what you will
you’re nothing but drama
and i’ve had my fill

so come down off your horse
and get over yourself
trying putting your resentments
up on a shelf

stop bitching and moaning
and drawing lines with our friends
go ahead treat me like a stranger
you’re good at playing pretend

it’s funny how you’d say
“when you grow up”
since i’ve been the only one of us
thats been acting like a grown up

i’m sorry you got hurt
that you feel disappointed
that it makes you assume i used you
but my intentions were poignant

we both know
what is real – what was said
at least i do
i didnt have six shots or more
clouding my head

i wish you the best
i wish you felt the same
but i know you’re weak
so you go ahead and think
i’m to blame

chills

chills in the air
in October
snow is falling
i fell still. quiet. trapped.
hands legs heart are restless
aching for feeling and movement
the warmth of warm bodies
and mingled limbs
and sweaty sheets

these cold nights
breed desire
to be close, then closer
hot breath and eager hands
on hard bodies
with greedy intents

silence brings echos
of sweet moans and quick gasps
and heightened need
desire

desire to be wanted
to be needed, to be loved
to be wrapped in longing
and eagerness and urge

i ache to be looked at
to be touched
to be devoured and consumed
by the needs of others
to be used
to be handled, controlled

my heart is hungry

fire and ice

she wants to slow dance
to silence
in the middle of the room
and she wants to sleep in
wrapped in your arms until noon
but the only time
she’ll ever commit to is “soon”

cause shes got on her mind
all the things
she hasn’t yet got to try
shes not quite ready
to commit to one guy
and her first impulse
is always to lie

can you blame her?
you just cant tame her.

shes got one of those smiles
that lights up her eyes
and they radiate heartache
whenever she cries
you just want to hold her
tell her
you’ll make it alright
she hugs you and you think
that you really just might
do whatever it takes
to give her back that light

cause she is a carnival ride
all fire and ice
her laugh makes you stop
and think god,
thats nice

mystery to me

so now
here i am
the girl who
prides herself
on reading
the actions
of people
on seeing
the body language
and hidden expressions
that give away
whats really
going on
even while
watching
the attempts
to mask
true thoughts
with the traps
of normal conversation
but you remain
a mystery
to me

i can see
the masks you
wear
the ones you
always
try to hide
yet, somehow
i dont mind

because, somehow
i know
that whatever
the thoughts
may be
that linger low
i can sense
that there are
good intents
and i can feel
a comfort
in your gaze
and an ease
in your ways
and so
i deal
with the
awkward way
that not
being able
to read you
makes me feel

oh but if only
the stretch
of your smile
or the slant
of your eyes
would just
give you away
because
mystery
breeds curiosity
and dares me
to pursue
this wondering
and i become
a disaster
over eager
and young
in the ways
that i know
i have long since
overcome

not having
breeds wanting
then needing
if only just
to know. to see. to feel
to need.
to want. to have.
to read.

this is the package

I hope that I have not
offended you
that is never something
that I intend to do
but I have no
apologies for you
for the way that I act
or the things that I do
this is the package
like it or not
I’m giving it everything
that I’ve got

sometimes I’m sad
selfish and sarcastic
sometimes I’m sunny
funny and fantastic
I’m putting it all out there
take it or leave it
think about it even
– if you need to –
for a bit

you aren’t going to find me
pushing the issue
don’t have to worry about me
forcing myself on you

I am who I am
and I’ll be as I please
don’t make the mistake
of thinking I’m naive
because I am an observer
gaining insight is my game
that’s why every person in here
already knows my name

I look and I listen
I engage and react
move from bar stool to bar stool
then make my way back

sometimes I sing as though
my world were at stake
like ani said – you’re only as loud
as the noises you make

I’d like you to like me
I’d like everyone to
but its ok with me
if you’re not going to

because I am a pillar
I can stand on my own
I’ve learned to draw strength
from places unknown

and my strength is warm
I’m approachable and kind
but that doesn’t stop me
from speaking my mind

I wont put up with prejudice
intolerance or violence
I like to laugh and converse
I’m not big on silence

I want to connect with the music
be anything but still
I can dance without sound
and if you know me
you know I will

I’m not oblivious to the gossip
I know how it works all too well
but the people I respect
are wise enough to be able to tell
what is bullshit
and whats not
because they all can see
the good intentions I’ve got

they know that I’m honest
that I have a good heart
and if I do say so myself
that’s a good place to start

sorry

i am so sorry
that i cannot seem
to make myself be
what it is
i know you need

and i am sorry, too
that i cannot
bring myself to be
a better person
and let go of you

you may say
not to worry
as if your heart
is hard as rock
and can not get hurt

but i know better
i’ve seen through
a weakness
in your eyes
you may not know it
but you’re
telling me lies.

lies
of the mind
the ones that
toss out reasoning
and hold on tight
to whatever sounds right
to get you
whatever it may be
at the time
that feels right

my fear is that you
may begin to regret
how invested
you’ve become
through the time
that we’ve spent

more so, i fear
that i may begin
to pull back
or move on
or get bored with you, dear

i love how we laugh
and how our bodies
just fit
but i warned you
at the start
that this would be it

we would joke
and have fun
and let this course
take its run
find someplace to hide
share stories, confide

but i am not looking
to find that one
and baby,
if you were him
i’d already have run.

desire

my desire is like an ocean
but fickle like a child
flirting teasing fleeting
affection lust and coyness
in motion

my want is unyielding
it pushes out my hands arms chest
neediness
and greediness
the sweetness of feeling
the comfort of holding
the excitement of touching
of needing
to put a spark in his eye
when he looks at me
flirting teasing speaking
in unsaid language that does
not lie

down below

theres this
sinking feeling
in my gut
swirling around
bringing me
down

its fear
and its pain
that even
after laughs
and love and fun
remains

it stays
down below
the me
that you see
and tears up
my middle
trying
to get free

but i’ve been
holding off
on exploring
its depth
because the
truths
i may find there
scare me
to death

ange

i’m trying to remember
the shape of her smile
revisit the times
when we were young
for a while

been trying to recall
the tone of her laugh
you would think
it would be easy
27 years – you do the math

she used to make these faces
that were so uniquely her
sometimes i see them on her son
and my heart feels
like it just cast out a lure

sometimes i find myself
sitting in my car
or alone in an empty corner
of the local bar
talking to her
as if she were there
as if to remind her
how much i still care

i’m missing you, ange
and i hope that you know
that the pain of losing you
only seems to continue to grow

missing my sister

and just
like that
she was gone
just when you think
that life
is so long
no more of
her laughter
no more of
her tears
no more inside jokes
collected
through the years

i’m just missing
my sister
wishing
i’d listened to her
longing to go back
before the attack
to tell her
i love her
that i’d be
lost without her
it kills me
to know
that it may
not have showed

something in the air

there’s something in the air
between your eyes and mine
everyone around us can see it
but you know I don’t mind

they can think what they want
assume what they will
we’ve been here before
we both know the drill

I love to be around you
you put me at ease
it’s in the little things
like your thumb
rubbing my knees

there’s nothing but comfort
and support in your eyes
no bullshit or reason
for little while lies

with you there’s no pressure
it will just go as it does
youre not waiting for me
to say “oh yeah, this is love”

most times you cant help
but to catch my smile
and then you just kind of
gaze at me for a while

you make me feel special
safe and secure
from the moment I see you
come through the door

I’m not sure why it is
just know the feeling is right
and that’s all I really need
to know for tonight

angry

i am angry
about all of the time
i thought that we had
to develop the kind
of relationship
i had always wanted
to have

i thought that we’d
get older
and learn to lean
on each others shoulders
that in time our differences
would be subdued
and we would chat
like sisters do

but we will never
get that chance
no matter what may be
the circumstance

i’m so sorry i didnt
try harder during
the time that we had
i really had
no idea
that things were that bad

now all i can do
is miss you
keep piling up
the tissues
deal with this
itching
that says something
is missing
let sorrow sedate me
and succumb to its
aching

poor girl

shes laughing
cause she thinks
you meant to be funny
and just weren’t
cause she likes you
poor girl

she lights up
when you’re around
and beefs you up
when she thinks
you might be feeling
a little down
cause she likes you
silly girl, sounds like me

you flirt with her
just enough
to give her hope
that something is there
even though she knows better
cause she likes you
poor girl, is that me?

shes leaving you
little notes
to make you smile
just because she wants
to see you happy
for a while
cause she adores you
silly girl, yes thats me

dont fall apart

i understand that it
is difficult for you
with everything
that we’ve been through
grief on top
of all the things
that the stress
of daily life can bring

but now is not the time
for us to fall apart
to surrender to the void
that exists in each of our hearts

we need to hold on
to the family we’ve still got
i need you to give support
and empathy a shot

look at each other
and try to remember
all of the reasons
that you’ve stayed together
think about
all of these years
remember all of the laughter
and yes, all of the tears

the triumphs and joys
and the pain that you’ve
been through
the times that
have shaped you
the times that
couldn’t break you

one less

i regret the days
i wished for
one less
the days that
i thought
just us three
would be best

i regret the unanswered invitations
and all those missed calls
the times not shared
when you were still right there
only separated by walls.

because now its just
us three
and its taken all this
to make me see
that these three
will forever be
aching to be
one more
once more

together forever

i’m not sure how much more
i can stand to lose
not sure how to put
this restless hollow aching
to good use

i wish i knew

i smile and tell jokes
to make things feel light
its my way of showing hope
that we’ll be alright

mommy and daddy
i just want us to be happy

i cant watch any more
of my life fall apart
not sure i can handle
another tear
on my scar laden heart

i need you to hold on
to give it some time
let the stresses of this year
clear from your mind

mommy and daddy
lets just be happy

hes a clever funny guy
but theres something
eating at him inside
she can feel it pulling him down
but its just too much
for her to be around

mommy and daddy
cant we be happy

you have been through
so much together
always battled through
the stormy weather

you two are my rock
you’re the ground that i grew from
feels like i’m losing my footing
like some earthquake is coming

mommy and daddy
i just want you to be happy
together

together forever

the last time

i wish i had known
the last time
was the last time
for so many things
the last hug
the last laugh
the last card
“love your sister”
the last christmas
the last picture
the last “called cause i miss ya”
i wish i had seen
down the path this was headed
looked beyond to see
the truth that i dreaded
i wish i could heal
the pain of so many
touched so deeply
by you
your spirit
so much bigger
than even
i knew

whats best

i’m not sure
what you want me to say
when you start
to look at me
in that way

its not like we havent
been through it all before
you know i’m giving you
what i can
and i know youre going
to be looking for more

neither one of us
really wants all this
to come to an end
but we both know
that its lurking
somewhere up
around one of these bends

i just wish
you could relax
and enjoy the moment
and stop looking for me
to make some kind
of atonement

for the state
that you fear
you’ll be left in
even as you tell me
you understand
and are absolutely
still in

i dont think
that you realize
that i can read you
like a book
i know what each
of your smiles mean
every movement
and sideways look

but you never own up
to the truth
of how youre feeling
even after i hit you with it
so i have no way
to help you
with dealing

i cant help that i’m
not having a problem with it
i’ve told you i’m just looking
to spend some time
and have fun for a bit

you have to realize
that youre pushing the issue
maybe youre subconsciously
asking me
to tell you we’re through

and you know
i dont mean it
just like i know
its true
that cutting you lose
would be whats best
for you.

everyone says

everyone says
they’re so happy
for me
that the trial
is done
that he didn’t
go free

everyone says
they’re so glad
that its over
that my family
can finally
find some closure
thank you, i say
but i can see
that now is when
the hard stuff
is going to be

because now that there
will be nothing new
missing my sister
is all i can do

a hollow dull aching
inside my chest
is all that i have
memories of times
when we were
at our best

theres never any closure
when a family member
is murdered
the thought of it
strikes me
as just a little absurd

we get to say
no goodbyes
cant take back
any lies
get to share
no more laughter
theres no
happily ever after

dreams of travels

i could stay here
just decide
to sit here
to be here
watch the water in motion
and the sky turning grey
got a job waiting for me
just up the way
but i might just stay here
blow it all off
for a while
pretend that my life
starts today
and sit and think
ahead
for a few hours

drive west til i’m out
of money for gas
camp out in the desert
with a notebook and a flask

maybe hop a train to boston
to walk the cobblestones streets
spend all night in a local pub
sharing stories
with the lonely souls
that i meet

to be free from it all
to escape in my brain
to wander on the travels
i’ve dreamed of in vain

i’d spend eight months
in le louvre
spend my days on sleek stone
amongst art and beauty
and treasures unknown
spend my nights on the hill
at le sacre coeur
marvel at the lights
of the city
stare up at the sky
and hum little ditties

some days

some days i long
to be the mystery
to smile coyly
hints of knowing
yet still searching
full of living of breathing
of being

some days i long
to be the open book
to give every thought i have
away with a look
to know i am seen
i am heard, understood.

some days i long
to be a sunshine ball
the chipper cheerfull
free for all
like in that ani song
to be bright and light
full of good cheer and delight

most days i just long
to be something, to be anything
to be noticed, to be felt
to engage with others
just to deal
with the cards i am dealt

memory of you

my memory of you
slips by quickly
like an old tape
stuck on fast forward
and my heart
breaks just a little
because oh, how i long
to revisit
each minute
in these late hours
to remember
each eager brush
of soft lips
and each adjustment
of willing hips
to retrace the path
of every shiver
that the feel of
skin on skin delivers

ogling

the way she perches
is how you can tell
perfect and still
sucked in tucked in
stretched out
and lengthened
unconsciously uncomfortable
self confidence strengthened
by knowing
that smooth edges
and long lines
draw the weary eyes
of the lonely
and longing
and the praise
of their stares
of appreciation
…or ogling

waiting

i am waiting
always waiting
to learn something
to feel something
to want anything
badly enough
to stir me to motion
to engage me enough
to be willing
willing to be scared
to start over
to trust myself
enough
enough to believe
that there is something here
something to do
and someone to be
and something simply
to say.

soon.
before this stirring
turns to sinking
as i constantly fear
it has already done
yet i am waiting

always waiting
for something
something
anything

matters of the many

feels like something
is missing
drowning or dying
or simply hiding
i search myself
and come up empty
so i turn my attentions
to the matters of the many
and i study their movements
their memories, their stories
i search for the something
that pulls at my insides
try this on for size, or that
maybe this one is wise..

at first i feel saved
and amazed
at the days i feel whole
tiny changes to my outlook
on life
they unknowingly gave
i soak up the lessons they teach
and i test them to see
how far their compassion
can reach

i smile and laugh
at the jokes that they tell
always sure to make them feel
like they are coming off well
i listen and engage
and i feel their appreciation
for the ways that companionship
makes you feel wanted
respectful admiration
for my understanding
and friendly affection

robbed

each new detail they give me
puts an image in my head
and i’m piecing them together
like a mr. potato head

and i’m trying to ignore
the impending completed scene
as it plays out like a movie
or a really bad dream

the more that i know
the more helpless i feel
it leaves invisible wounds
that may never heal

because she was cheated
she was wronged
she was robbed
of her dreams
of her future
of her life
as she sobbed

what you wish for

be careful what you wish for
he said
in his eerie little tone
i just kind of nod
and think
i learned that lesson again
not so long ago

it reminds you
to remember
to pay attention
to what you’ve got
to look closer
at the little things
that go on during
the everyday connections
of the collection of people
that exist in your heart

theres always more going on
behind a smile
than a frown
a silent exchange
between two sets of eyes
reveals more
than any words spoke
between hello and goodbye

people are whats important
those important to you, anyway
its not so hard to read them
its how they move and they think
not so much what they say

it so often goes
unnoticed
its so easy to become
content
with being too busy
to notice another’s
subconscious intent

but the wonders
of the mystery of others
is enough
when you remember
that in the end
its these people
that matter

the feelings they have given you
the experiences you share
the thoughts and ideas that have shaped you
have all sprung from there

been wondering

i’ve been wondering
if you’re seeing
the truth
of how i’m feeling
is there more
underneath
this intense
physical heat
because i cant help
but to like you
to want to
get inside you
kinda like you’ve
been inside me
only this time
a little more deep
into your dreams
your hopes
and even your passions
not just the ones
of a sexual fashion
the ones that
touch you
that move you
have shaped you
the ones that you share
with only
a select few

everything to everyone

its not that
i don’t want to be
all of the things
i could be
to all of the people
who mean something
to me

its just that
i dont know how
to be
everything
to everyone
without losing track
of me

i guess that
i’m tired
and wearing
a little thin
theres no bounce
in my step
no more glow
under my skin

i think that
i’ve been
searching
for something
to spark me
from within
all the while
the light
that i already had
has slowly
been getting
more and more
dim

all the things

if i could
i would be
all of the things
you may have wanted
but will never have
the chance
to become

it would help me
to feel
like you were
still here
like a little part of you
would get to be
all of the things
you ever dreamed

you will never
get to see
the beautiful boy
your son
has turned out to be
but i will be sure
to remind him
that he
has a connection
to you
and how proud
you would be

how did i get here

they move mindlessly
around the kitchen
in opposite
like some choreographed routine
busying themselves
with this and that
not speaking or touching
or even looking
at each other
isn’t that sad?

she fixes to eat
while he showers
she stares at the TV
while he gets in bed
but when she hears
that bedroom door close
she turns her head

and she thinks
how did i get here
what have i been doing
year after year
god, how did i get here?

he pretends to listen
as she talks about her day
nods along and looks away
and just wants to say

how did i get here
what have i been doing
year after year
god, how did i get here?

how they say

you know how they say
everything happens for a reason
what a cruel cruel thing to say
like sorrow is just a wave
that rolls in and out
like the seasons
and you know how they say
that time heals every pain
what a heartbreaking
way to say
that you have no
real comfort to bring
no soothing thought
to try to tame
the temper of currents
that race through my brain

constant contradiction

i am constant contradiction

i have the thoughts
of a wise old soul
compassion and understanding
of truths untold

i have the desires of a child
attention, affection and
a need to run wild

i have the heart of a dreamer
wandering and free
but the brain of a damned man
held still and on fire
drowning in need

bright and light
broody and moody
what would you like me to be?
sweet and polite
or maybe mean and bitchy
is more your cup of tea

i can be whatever you like

i can play any part
and i’ll do it with a smile
if i’m gonna go down
i’m gonna do it in style