Christmas Eve

What would it be like
to be with you one more time
for our whole family to spend
one more Christmas Eve night

You sitting there, eyes closed
legs crossed, bopping your head
singing along to mom and dad’s Grateful Dead

I’d love to see you helping B
decorate the Christmas tree
showing him how to blow the tinsel
so it falls evenly
investigating the presents with him
when mom and dad can’t see
singing our favorite carols, gleefully

Eggnog with rum and big bellied laughter
blissfully unaware of our impending never after

Staying up late to play Santa
and stuffing B’s stocking
reminiscing about our own
childhood Christmas mornings

Another one that you won’t see
except as the Angel
that tops our Christmas tree

i remember

i remember
when i used to feel her
in the breeze
on a warm day
and how it felt
like she knew
everything i wanted
to say

i remember
the way she moved
when she heard a song
she really liked
and the snort like
noises she would make
when we were having
a fight

i remember
the way her face
used to look
when she laughed
how she’d sound
during that
open-mouthed chuckle
she always had

i remember
her humor
the kind of jokes
that she liked
the pure delight
on her face
was always such
a lovely sight

someday

someday
i’ll walk
hand in hand
with my sister
i wont even
have to tell her
how much
that i’ve missed her

we’ll play
with her daughter
in a field
of bright flowers
with one
of those views
you only see
from tall towers

we’ll reflect
on the clarity
that passing on
may bring
and we’ll
cherish
the time
and all the
little things

the little things

its funny how
its the little things
you never seem to lose
the shape of her eyebrows
the size of her shoes
its sad how its the big things
i’m starting to forget
the tone of her laugh
or her biggest accomplishment
its scary to think
about how fast the years
have gone by
since i last saw her smile
since i last heard her cry
it pains me to know
that there are days
i dont think of her
that there will come a time
when i’ll have to try
to remember her
i think about her life
about what it could have been
if only she had known
how soon it was going to end

twenty years from now

twenty years from now
am i going to be thinking
that i spent all these years
doing nothing but sinking
wasting my time
doing whatever was easiest
never letting anyone
take me too serious
will i wish i spent more time
with the sun on my face
will i wish i had looked at success
like it was more of a race
will the people i love now
be the people i love then
will i still be in touch
with my dearest old friends

twenty years from now
will i be thinking
i’m happy i’ve come so far
or will i be drowning my regret
in a glass at the local bar
because life throws you curves
and it can often be cruel
the hard stuff are the things
they dont teach you in school

like death is a given
for you and everyone you know
and youre never prepared
to deal with someone’s time to go
or that sorrow is like the ocean
with tides that roll in
it moves out and gets calm
but it keeps coming back again

how much more sorrow
will i know
between now and then
is acceptance really
just a matter of when?