Fleeting Visits With Bitterness

I hope she breaks your heart again
The way that you did mine
I hope the shame she put in you
Comes back to eat at you over time
I hope your chest swells
With the terrifying kind of butterflies
The crushing kind of emptiness
That makes you feel like you could die

I hope she just up and leaves you
Without a goodbye, without an end
Like you never even mattered
Like you were never even sort-of friends

I hope she tells everyone you’re crazy
That you’re deranged, that you need help
I hope she hooks right up with a guy she told you over and over you would never have to worry about

I hope she breaks every promise
That she ever made to you
Turns around and does all the things
She specifically assured you she wouldn’t do

I hope the confusion makes you panicked
Makes you scared, makes you sick
I hope it takes you by such surprise
You don’t know how to handle it

I hope you drown yourself in tears
I hope it makes you feel pathetic
I hope it makes you afraid to sleep again
I hope you fucking regret it

Nostalgic Fantasy

Is this all I am
Is this all I’ve ever been
A nostalgic game of fantasy
To every man who has ever known me

You always ask me what Im wearing
You want me to make it sound cute
You’re thinking knee socks and spandex
Clinging to my legs
Tank top tight against these ample breasts
You want me to paint myself into
A portrait for you
Like I am just a fantasy
Here waiting for you

Well this
Is what you see
When I put down the paintbrush
And pick up a pen
This is the image of a woman
Waiting around to play fantasy for men

This is the dry mouth
That comes after all of those held breaths
This is the sound of gagging
On the resentment of expectations not met
This is the stench
Of a mountain of regret
That oozes out like pheromones
At the hint of a familiar scent

But you want that flirtatious adrenaline rush
That conversation only if you’re bored
That sexy picture when you’re stressed
That slow playful texting
About what kind of sex we like
On your oh-so-seldom lonely night

I never thought
You’d inspire me to feel this way
This, another lesson
That rose colored glasses
Grow back with time away

But you spent so many years
Agreeing to be only what I needed
Regardless of how you may have been feeling
So now I wonder if I don’t owe it to you
To play the part of your Manic Pixie Dream Girl
For a few

But I feel something die a little
With every word I say
Because fantasies flame hot
Then die out a little every day
And anything real
Burns to ashes that way

should’ve never

i should have just
kept saying no
should’ve never
let you into my home

you knew i was weak
you knew i was sad
i tried to tell you
it was going to end bad

i guess that’s the point
you just didn’t care
to you, when using people
everything was fair

you might have thought
you were helping me
to move on
but i regret not being
strong enough not to do
what i knew was wrong

cursed

i think about you
several times a day,
you see
kinda pathetic, considering
you don’t
even miss me

because you’re
happier now
i can just feel it
and you don’t regret
not being with me
one bit

i wonder if now
you think that
i was a mistake
one you wish you could
go back to
and not make

i don’t want to
love someone
who thinks they’re
too good for me
i obviously cant handle
that kind
of insecurity

but i love you
just the same
at your best and
at your worst
but you just didn’t
feel the same
so this heart of mine
feels cursed

cause what i want
i cant have
and what i’ve become
you’ll never see
our history
will prevent you
from seeing me clearly

how do you

how do you say
you’re sorry
to someone in your past
when the years
since you’ve seen them
have gone by so fast
would they even care
years later
to hear that they were right
would you even want them to know
it took you this long
to have finally
seen the light

i would always
play the victim
the one who was wronged
i’m able to see that
now that it’s been so long

i took you for granted
i always wanted more
than whatever you were offering
i was constantly standing
with one foot outside the door

i would always say
i was tired of trying
to be someone i wasnt
but that wasnt the issue
now i think
that i was just lying

that was my cop out
my shield from the blame
i didn’t see it at the time
and that really is
such a shame

how do you reconcile your mind
with what you’ve learned
and what you’ve done wrong
when you’ve casually abandoned
somewhere you know now
that you belonged

regret

most days i believe
that it’s silly to regret
because life is like a time line
that hasn’t been finished yet
all you need to do is see
that each and all the times you’ve spent
with every person you have met
has shaped the person you will be
you exist in your mind
in your memories
in your thoughts
your outlook on the issues
that the human condition may wraught

sorry

i am so sorry
that i cannot seem
to make myself be
what it is
i know you need

and i am sorry, too
that i cannot
bring myself to be
a better person
and let go of you

you may say
not to worry
as if your heart
is hard as rock
and can not get hurt

but i know better
i’ve seen through
a weakness
in your eyes
you may not know it
but you’re
telling me lies.

lies
of the mind
the ones that
toss out reasoning
and hold on tight
to whatever sounds right
to get you
whatever it may be
at the time
that feels right

my fear is that you
may begin to regret
how invested
you’ve become
through the time
that we’ve spent

more so, i fear
that i may begin
to pull back
or move on
or get bored with you, dear

i love how we laugh
and how our bodies
just fit
but i warned you
at the start
that this would be it

we would joke
and have fun
and let this course
take its run
find someplace to hide
share stories, confide

but i am not looking
to find that one
and baby,
if you were him
i’d already have run.

one less

i regret the days
i wished for
one less
the days that
i thought
just us three
would be best

i regret the unanswered invitations
and all those missed calls
the times not shared
when you were still right there
only separated by walls.

because now its just
us three
and its taken all this
to make me see
that these three
will forever be
aching to be
one more
once more