After You

I miss the feeling of warm hands on my skin
The look of greedy eyes taking it all in
Comfortably vulnerable
Blissfully trusting
Not sure I’ll let myself feel that way again

Oh, there will be hands
And lips, I’m sure
Relief from aches when I’m lonely or bored, but
I want to tingle at the touch of a finger
Connect in a way that makes the euphoria linger
When it’s scary as fuck but you don’t care one bit
When you’re fantasizing all day long about it

I can’t imagine it for long
Without getting that feeling in my chest
A heavy suction like a vacuum tube
To an oxygen-less abyss
My stomach feels sick
My hands start to shake
Never knew panic attacks
Could be brought on by heartache
But suddenly I can’t breathe
I can’t think, I can’t speak
I get overwhelmed and dizzy
My legs go numb underneath me

Heart pounding, blood rushing
Radiating heat, on fire
I lay down against the cold floor
Start tracing each tile
Keep reassuring myself
This this will stop happening after a while

But I dont really know if that’s true
Not sure that I can ever fully trust myself
After you

Nostalgic Fantasy

Is this all I am
Is this all I’ve ever been
A nostalgic game of fantasy
To every man who has ever known me

You always ask me what Im wearing
You want me to make it sound cute
You’re thinking knee socks and spandex
Clinging to my legs
Tank top tight against these ample breasts
You want me to paint myself into
A portrait for you
Like I am just a fantasy
Here waiting for you

Well this
Is what you see
When I put down the paintbrush
And pick up a pen
This is the image of a woman
Waiting around to play fantasy for men

This is the dry mouth
That comes after all of those held breaths
This is the sound of gagging
On the resentment of expectations not met
This is the stench
Of a mountain of regret
That oozes out like pheromones
At the hint of a familiar scent

But you want that flirtatious adrenaline rush
That conversation only if you’re bored
That sexy picture when you’re stressed
That slow playful texting
About what kind of sex we like
On your oh-so-seldom lonely night

I never thought
You’d inspire me to feel this way
This, another lesson
That rose colored glasses
Grow back with time away

But you spent so many years
Agreeing to be only what I needed
Regardless of how you may have been feeling
So now I wonder if I don’t owe it to you
To play the part of your Manic Pixie Dream Girl
For a few

But I feel something die a little
With every word I say
Because fantasies flame hot
Then die out a little every day
And anything real
Burns to ashes that way

Scavenger Hunts

I want to feel your arms encircling me
Want to taste your mouth as it’s devouring me
Encouraging mine to take more greedily
Matching each subtle push and pull of your body
So eagerly
I want to watch the shine in your eyes as I touch you
When our hungry hands act like lovers do
Discover each new space like a scavenger hunt
Each breathy whimper a clue to grinningly confront
As we slowly collect each moan, each shiver
Each arch of a back, each sigh of pleasure