Ruins

I didn’t fall in love with how easy it was
to be around him-although it was
We really didn’t get to do that very much

I fell in love with his voice
The way he would speak
How he would question and over-think everything
How he was so much like me

I fell in love with the laughter
the nightly hours-long conversations
With what I thought was candor
With what seemed to be patience

I fell I love with a promise
That vanished while I slept
With a shrug of its shoulders
And a cock of its neck
It turned into a rumor
That whispered to its friends
Spun my confusion into crazy
My hurt into unhinged

Rumors have a way of making you question
What you thought you knew to be true
Makes you start to wonder
If you made up the good things too
Just how big were the blinders
Just how self absorbed had I been
Was he ever honest
Did I ever mean anything to him

But that’s the thing about rumors
there are no answers to find
They just linger in tiny whispers
in the back of your mind

But I’ve never cared much for rumors
It’s why I serve myself on a plate
Less need for anyone to have to speculate
Yes, I know that not everyone is like me
And maybe i’ll always be slightly naive but

I know when I’ve felt someone’s heart touch mine
I know when I’ve seen love or lust look at me from a man’s eyes
I understand motives when promises get broken
I know what I’ve heard in between the words that are spoken

He can burn all of the bridges I built
I’ll claim those ruins as mine
Have you ever noticed how ruins
become beautiful things over time

You can take a train ride
through the ruins of my past
Just keep your hands inside
So you don’t shatter them like glass
The train track is my history
There’s a station at every trauma
Ghosts move among the wreckage
play-acting out the drama
Some are quick enough to roll through
So many others take some time
I visit them all occasionally
When I get stuck inside my mind

Everyone collects something
Isn’t that what they say
I guess Im collecting the memories
Filing them away
Under the still crumbling remnants
Of what used to be
When I loved him
When he loved me

Cobwebs, Leaves and TV Screens

I sweep warning signs idly away
Like cobwebs from a doorway
Forgetting about the spiders
Who put them there in the first place

I hold onto love too long
Like a tree in an autumn breeze
Stubbornly refusing to cast off deadening leaves
Afraid of what losing those colors might mean

But worst of all
I remember like a TV screen
Everywhere I go
I see ghosts acting out the memories

inked pages

will the sum of my memories
ever hold more meaning
than this
emotions and thoughts
filling these inked pages
in long skinny lists

will my experiences
my feelings, my words
be lost, forgotten like
the millions of others’
we’ve lost in the world

one day i’ll be forgotten
when my loved ones
are generations of the past
or maybe i’ll exist
as long as these
inked pages last

memories

everyone is flawed
in their own
little ways
everyone has
their good and
their bad days

we would argue for hours
over who had got more
who’s fault it was
who had the best score
we would go back and forth
when we couldn’t be heard
and try out every
new swear word
or insult
we’d learned

you were always so
over-dramatic
in everything
that you would do
but i don’t need
to perfect your image
in my memory
to miss you

good or bad times
i miss them all
no matter how big
no matter how small

still waters

its a lamb
of a spring day
the waters are still
i soak up the sun
and study the rocks
below this grassy hill

and i think
about life
i ponder its mysteries
i fell small
so i conjure
your presence from my memories

i sit there with you
and hear symphonies
in the silence
and i can feel your smile
radiating light
full of kindness

so i close
my eyes
feel the wind on my face
content not to
feel alone
in this beautiful place

there are times

there are times
when i hear
songs you loved
growing up
and i can see you
so vividly
legs crossed
head bobbing
singing along

it brings a smile
to my face
every time

i have all these
random memories
of our lives
through the years
the happy ones
are always the ones
that bring on
the tears

regret

most days i believe
that it’s silly to regret
because life is like a time line
that hasn’t been finished yet
all you need to do is see
that each and all the times you’ve spent
with every person you have met
has shaped the person you will be
you exist in your mind
in your memories
in your thoughts
your outlook on the issues
that the human condition may wraught